“My Teen Age Son Just Told Me He Is Gay”
“Now what?”
Your first response to your gay son will never be forgotten.
You are surprised. No, maybe shocked.
Your precious son has just informed you that he is gay.
“How can this be? After all, we raised him to be a Christian.” He goes to church with you. He has read the Bible. Shoot, he has even memorized key verses. He went to a Christian summer camp, where he gave his life to Jesus.
I hear this all the time.
Please breath. Deeply. Because you are standing on thin ice that can crack at any moment. You may drown. Your son may drown. That is, if you take the wrong first step.
This article is for you.
1. “Son, I love you.”
Your first immediate reaction in front of your son is to look him in the eye, smile, and hug him silently. Hold him for as long as he needs to be held. His body will tell you when it’s time to release.
The first words out of your mouth must be, “Son, I love you. And I always will.”
2. Let him talk.
This is the time for you to listen. Take whatever time your son needs to tell you, whatever he will say to you.
Do not interrupt. Do not look away. Smile. Communicate with your face that you deeply love your son and that he can safely talk to you.
Do not say any of the following.
· “This can’t be true.”
· “Just give this some time.”
· “This is against God’s will.”
Your son has been dealing with his same-sex attractions for a long time. He has been waiting nervously for the right time to tell you. And it has taken him tremendous courage to come out to you! Believe it or not, at this point, your son knows more about his sexuality than you do.
3. “We can explore this together.”
Your son may have read some materials about being gay. But reassure him that you are together on this journey. A journey of exploration and understanding.
Buys books for him to read. In fact, buy two sets of books so that you can read the same stuff simultaneously. Here are some essential books for you and your son to read together.
· Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones
This is the most essential rescue book for parents. Moreover, when your son reads this book, he will be confident that you know your stuff! Extremely compassionate and knowledgeable, this book must be purchased and read first.
How should a person who believes the Bible and loves Jesus respond when their romantic desires go against what they’ve been taught?
· Torn
Justin Lee, a gay man and devout Christian, bridges the gaps between his faith and sexuality in this insightful and touching memoir.
The biblical case in support of same-sex relationships.
· GAYoda
Today’s global magazine for gay Christians. Over one hundred articles specifically written for Christians who experience same-sex attraction.
4. Visit a “Gay Affirming” Church
Some Christian churches spew hate about gays. Some churches do not touch the subject. Some churches pretend to be “gay friendly” to get you into their doors, but then they do a “bait-and-switch” of their message into one of conversion, celibacy, or limited rights within their church. Finally, some churches will actually show love and support for gays.
Your son must experience a church that is loving toward gay people.
5. Surround your son with others who support him.
As a parent, it is not your decision to out your son to anyone. It is always the son’s decision! That said, encourage your son to surround himself with people who will affirm his dignity and show unconditional love. The initial journey as a gay person is hard enough without undergoing harsh condemnation or indifference from others! People who can be empathetic and avoid “steering” your son will be the best supporters. Such people are always more interested in your son’s well-being than in forcing an agenda onto him.
In conclusion, your gay son can lead a thriving life — full of joy and contentment. As the parent, your goal is to gently assist your son in the ways described above.
My heart goes out to you and your son.
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the creator and editor of GAYoda, plus a writer for Backyard Church. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
