Observations of my Marriage to my Wife — and to my Husband
Similarities & Differences
If anyone could describe what it is like for a gay Christian man to be married to a woman — and then to a man — it would be me.
People keep telling me, “Mike, you have lived the most unusual gay Christian life ever!” Indeed, there are not many gay Christians who have been married to both a wife and a husband.
This article shares my observations of life with my wife and then life with my husband. There are some profound similarities and differences.
No two people — and no relationships — are identical. Certainly, my two marriages experienced very different conditions.
My Life with My Wife
I was married to my wife at age 23, back in 1976. That was a very different American culture than it is today.
The Air Force employed me, then I was with Focus on the Family, next as a phone coach, and finally back with the Air Force again. We moved ten times; we experienced professional joys and sadness.
We raised a son and daughter through cholic infancy until their adult independence. I absolutely loved being a dad — and still do! My wife enjoyed her “stay-at-home mom” position while I thrived as the “breadwinner.”
My wife and I were graced with eight grandkids — another pure joy in my life!
The first eight years of our marriage were pure bliss. It seemed as though we were in the Garden of Eden. We deeply loved each other and were each other’s best friends.
However, we both were Evangelicals — and that proved to later be the source of our immense strain and pain.
I did not identify as a “homosexual” until age 31 — eight years into our marriage, plus two very young children. My wife’s connotation of homosexuality was that it is a sin. She believed I was in a perpetual state of sin unless my homosexual attractions could be extinguished. She lost all trust in me — never to be regained. And yet, I was sexually faithful to her for our entire marriage.
I tried my hardest to lose all of my same-sex attractions. I went through conversion therapy for two years — resulting in me still having the same predominant same-sex attractions.
Our relationship grew to be “cooperative.” We helped each other and went out on dates, but our relationship lacked all of the trust we once had.
Near the end of our relationship, I became a “dead man walking” — not wanting to kill myself, but just wishing that Jesus would “take me home.”
Instead, after 41 years of marriage, my wife died of cancer.
As a result of our marriage, I will forever be grateful for having a partner to share life with, a companion during the storms, my wife’s unique personality and exhaustive efforts, and now having two married kids and eight grandkids. My wife gave her very best in dealing with a difficult situation that she never wanted to be in.
Our first eight years, pre-coming out, were heavenly. My remaining 33 years were not.
My Life with My Husband
I married my husband in 2022 at age 68. Today’s American culture is much more accepting of gays than “the bad old days” with my wife.
I fully retired during the years of my marriage to my husband. Accordingly, we do not deal with my job distress. We have never moved, and we are blessed with sufficient income. In contrast, my husband has a good career and is employed full-time. I am now the “stay-at-home” person in the relationship.
My husband does not have any children. He does a marvelous job accepting my kids and grandkids — but it is complicated.
Since my husband is likewise gay, we embrace our gay sexual identity and are thrilled to be married to each other!
Both of us are now “exvangelicals.”
We have found a wonderful church home that is very affirming of our gay marriage. Being in a supportive church is an advantage to our marriage.
We go on several dates each week and enjoy vacation trips away from home.
My marriage once again feels like bliss. I have been graciously invited back into Eden but with a different partner. We have very few arguments, and life feels easy.
I am elated!
Similarities
1. Relationship Blueprint. God seems to have a blueprint for how relationships exist and thrive. First, the two people are attracted to each other. Then, they date and explore what they have in common and in differences. Eventually, the two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together. Thus, they form a union, and the two become one.
Such a blueprint was true in my relationship with my wife. I found her extremely attractive (and she felt the same toward me). We dated for two years, seeing each other regularly. Eventually, we mutually felt that we wanted to spend our lifetime together, and thus were married.
Such a pattern was likewise true of my husband and me. I found him extremely handsome (and he felt the same about me) and wholesome. We dated for six months and then were married.
I have learned that love is love. The only difference between straight love and gay love is the direction of the attraction.
2. Commitment. When my wife and I married, we intended it to last “until death do us part.” We both were adamant that we opposed divorce. Thus, despite our eventual sour relationship, we refused to give divorce any credence. I promised God I would always be there for my wife.
And I kept my promise to her.
Similarly, my husband and I consider our marriage permanent — until only death breaks the bond. Neither of us entertains any thoughts of being sexual with another man; such is simply against our ethics. I want to continue to grow old “in the arms of my love.” Our health will certainly erode with time — but we will aid and comfort each other until one of us passes.
I can certainly admit that commitment was the glue that held my wife and me together. And commitment will keep my husband and I together — through the good and the bad.
Differences
1. Trust. My wife could never consider my attractions anything other than “wrong.” She held no empathy for me nor appreciation of my efforts to change my orientation. While I think my wife was an amazingly wonderful person, her attitude toward my homosexuality was horrid. I felt shamed. And there was nothing I could do to change her opinion of me — for as long as I continued to possess same-sex attraction.
Marriage, at times, was very frustrating to both of us. It felt like a “Greek tragedy” — a condition that could never be satisfactorily resolved for both of us, despite our deep love for each other.
In stark contrast, my husband naturally embraces my gay identity. He fully understands that there is nothing wrong with being gay.
We trust each other in ways that my wife and I never could. And trust is a really big deal in marriage!
2. Self Confidence. I did not feel truly confident in how to please my wife sexually. It always felt to me to be dutifully following an inherently unnatural script. Try as I might, I did not feel confident I could meet her sexual needs.
Such is not so for my husband. I am perfectly confident in what pleases him sexually — and sex is a spontaneous joy! I am relaxed as we proceed; my husband is similarly comfortable. We both know how to bring full pleasure to the other person. And I thank God for now having this confidence and capability.
Conclusion
I will always be grateful for my marriage to my wife. She was my life companion and best friend. We both excelled as a parenting team. The world is a much better place because of our marriage.
Such is also true for my marriage to my husband. We love well, trust well, and serve each other in Christlike ways. We are a very good match for each other — and the world is likewise a better place as a result of our marriage.
People often ask me what I would have done differently now that I know what I know.
First, mixed-orientation marriages (such as what my wife and I had) can be a true blessing to each other. It all depends upon trust and mutually meeting each other’s needs, where possible.
Second, I believe some gay Christians will thrive by staying celibate. Several of my celibate friends are truly happy and flourishing in their singleness and sexual abstinence. On the other hand, I know of far too many gay Christians who falsely believe they must be celibate (i.e., they oppose gay marriages) — and who are miserable. Celibacy is clearly not for every gay Christian.
So, Mike, what would you do differently if you were age 18, knowing what you know now?
I would embrace a gay identity and fully believe Jesus loves me exactly as I am.
I would also embrace gay dating. I would wait for “Mr. Right” — believing God rejoices in every gay marriage. And I would hope my husband shares my same zeal about having children and hopefully grandchildren.
There you have it — my “two cents” about what my marriage to my wife was like, plus my candid sharing of life with my husband.
And I thank God for both marriages!
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the creator and editor of GAYoda, plus a writer for Backyard Church. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
