The Truth About Gays
No matter what you know, this will surprise you
Many straight Evangelical Protestants believe that any male who self-identifies as “gay” admits to promiscuous anal intercourse and defiance against God.
Many secular gays believe that being a “gay Christian” is both an oxymoron and a moron.
Most people — straight and gay — hold a narrow stereotypical view of people outside their tribe.
So, what follows are the naked truths about people who are gay.
Note: I make no judgments in this article about any person’s sexual attraction, sexual identity, homoerotic touch, relationship, and religious faith. I inform the reader from a morally neutral position. I implore you to likewise read with nonjudgmental eyes.
Sexual Attraction
One of the simplest and most accurate definitions of “gay” is:
“A male who instinctively, pervasively, and frequently experiences erotic and romantic attraction to certain males.”
That definition emphasizes gay as being, foremost, an attraction.
Gay males can sense when they are erotically attracted to another male. Typically, the gay male holds his breath, stares, and experiences an increased heart rate. And all of this arousal happens in a split second!
A gay male’s erotic attraction varies according to the object’s race, body form, facial features, hairiness, height, weight, and many other variables. Erotic attraction “is in the eye of the beholder” — and he certainly can recognize sexiness when he sees it!
Gay males are also attracted to romantic purposes; they seek a potential life mate. This person may lack the raw erotic appeal but hits a home run on the partnership scale. Viewing a male as “friendly” or “outstanding character” differs from rating his sexiness.
Each gay male generally has a certain “type” of attraction — and he notices his type more quickly and intensely than others. While I may find Brad Pitt sexy, others may think he is too old. Relatedly, others tell me how handsome Zac Efron is, but he ranks as a meh to me.
It truly is simple and yet infinitely complex: gay males have both erotic and romantic attractions to certain males — just like straight males have toward certain women. Both gays and straights are the same regarding sexual attraction. The only difference is the direction of the attraction.
Sexual Identity
A gay male may take pride in calling himself “gay” — or that term may repulse him.
And some males may lose their job or even be imprisoned simply for calling themselves gay!
Conservative gays generally use a sexual identity of “I struggle with same-sex attraction.” Liberal gays refer to themselves as “gay.”
For the purpose of ease within this article, I will address both the conservative and the liberal person as “gay.”
Many gays come from a conservative (usually religiously pious) background. They believe — from the teachings of a parent or a sacred book — that having a homoromantic or homoerotic attraction is a sin, a disorder. Thus, such gays are ashamed to acknowledge their internal same-sex attraction and may stay closeted.
Sometimes the conservative gay will reveal his sexuality to his religious leader, parent, or employer. It is sadly common (especially in the past) for the gay to then receive some very harsh treatment.
Sometimes conservative gays undergo conversion therapy to “become straight.” Conversion therapy is usually a very long process wherein the gay man attempts various remedies to eliminate his same-sex attraction and acquire opposite-sex attraction. I have met with hundreds of gay men who underwent conversion therapy — and none ever lost their attraction to men!
On the opposite side are males who take pride in publicly identifying as gay. Such males see nothing wrong with being gay.
“Out and proud” gay males are likely to attend a Gay Pride celebration and are also likely to proclaim they are part of the universal LGBTQ+ community.
Additionally, some gay males have a private identity (i.e., gay) different from their public identity (i.e., straight). For example, some gays may publically try to “pass” as straight — out of fear that they will be harmed if they ever come out. I know of many closeted gays who cannot come out without ruining their professional careers or family relationships. Typically such closeted males experience tremendous shame and fear — guilt over what God thinks of them, fear over being outed.
For other gay males, their private sexual identity is the same as their public identity. Such congruence is often stress reducing and healthy.
Erotic Sight and Touch
Sight. Most gays are immediately attracted to the nudity of attractive men.
In the bad old days, males were forced to shower with other males in the school or sports setting. This open showering is a very arousing experience for many adolescents — fraught with anxiety over whether an embarrassing erection will occur.
Naturally, then, most gays are attracted to male pornography. In today’s society, it is often simple to access gay porn. Most gays view pornography — including those who believe it is sinful. Such is likewise true for straights.
Relatedly, virtually every gay male masturbates to homoerotic thoughts and images (as straights do with female images). Pornography, of course, is a natural pairing with masturbation.
Conservative gay males are likely to feel shame over viewing male nudity and the subsequent masturbation. However, these conservative (often closeted) gays can only repress themselves for so long — and then they often binge on pornography, masturbation, and even hookups.
After such binging events, the conservative male promises God that he will never engage in such behavior again — that is, until the next time he is repressed. This cycle of repression, binging, shame, and promises is a recipe for sexual addiction — which is why so many closeted gays are secretly sexually addicted.
Other gay males consider viewing nude males as a harmless fulfillment of a natural desire. Likewise, more progressive gays (and straights) view masturbation as a healthy outlet (e.g., to avoid prostate cancer, supposedly).
Touch. The human touch is extremely valuable. Babies who are deprived of contact die. And adults who never feel or provide touch are similarly deficient in a life-enhancing need.
The issue for gay males concerns the morality of engaging in erotic touch. Some view it as sinful and violating God’s will. Others consider it a natural desire and expression.
Very conservative gay males may believe it is wrong to hug or hold hands with another male. Such hesitancy is because the physical touch may produce arousing feelings for the conservative gay male. Subsequently, the male may then experience shame — believing that he has just sinned.
Celibate gay males view hugging, holding hands, platonic kissing, and cuddling as healthy outlets. Some celibacy men’s groups may encourage such physical expression — knowing it is better than repression. I know of many celibate gay males who are thriving partly because of having a harmless outlet for physical touch.
That said, it seems to be the rare celibate gay male who has never had an ejaculation experience with another gay male. For many celibates, this is viewed as a “one-off” experience; no harm, no foul. However, the ejaculation event produces enormous guilt and shame for other celibate males — believing they violated their promise to God to remain sexually chaste.
Many gay males regularly engage in erotic touch with other gays. Mutual masturbation is considered relatively tame. Oral sex between two gay men is very common in the worldwide gay community — and is more prevalent than anal intercourse. Many gays (and straights) view oral sex as simply a form of foreplay, albeit a very arousing form of foreplay.
Anal intercourse is viewed as the natural culmination of the gay couple’s erotic progression. Some gays prefer the “top” position; others enjoy being in the “bottom” role. It might be accurate to say that anal sex is to gays as vaginal sex is to straights — an exceedingly common, enjoyable part of being human.
For example, on any Friday or Saturday night, we would expect many straight cowboys to be at a cowboy bar — drinking, dancing, picking up a woman, and engaging in vaginal intercourse. The same is true for gays: a gay club, drinks, pickup up a man, and culminate in anal intercourse.
Some gay men engage in erotic touch with hundreds of men (often anonymously). And some gays believe in — and enjoy — polyamorous sexual relationships.
Conversely, some gay men have committed themselves to a gay partner, enjoying monogamous sex.
Relatedly, some gay males view having anal intercourse as a natural moral behavior — as long as it is mutually agreeable and that one’s sexual infections are made clear in advance. In reverse, other gay males view anal intercourse as always wrong — in any circumstances.
Relationships
Humans seem born to crave relationships (“It is not good for man to be alone”). Gays are no different than straights in this area.
A gay friend once told me he categorizes his relationships into four distinct boxes. First are the strangers with whom he has anonymous sexual hookups. Second are his friends whom he likes but are those with whom he has no sexual attraction. Third are his friends with whom he enjoys sexual encounters (“friends with favors”). And finally, the fourth are friends with whom he is pursuing a long-term relationship (potentially marriage).
Many gays utilize gay dating apps (e.g., Grindr) to find potential sexual partners in the local area. The hookups are initially simply for their pleasure, yet sometimes, these encounters could lead to a long-term relationship.
Similarly, many gays utilize dating apps to find potential friends. The initial meeting is not specifically intended to produce an erotic touch. Rather, the two males may meet at a neutral site (e.g., a coffee shop) as a first “date.” These first dates are identical to a straight person’s first date: a safe way to get to know someone’s personality, values, etc.
A smaller number of gays utilize “friendship groups,” which may be online (i.e., Facebook) or a group meeting in person (perhaps at a local site). These friendship groups seem to fit gays intending to be celibate or remain in the closet.
An even smaller number of gays find friendship through straight members of their local church. Such gays usually are celibate, believing they can attain all the benefits of a company with like-minded religious people while staying true to their celibacy.
Some gay males choose celibacy. Celibacy seems to be a special gifting. Some people thrive in celibacy — and many do not.
Many gays, though, are seeking a life partner, perhaps through marriage.
Conversely, many gays eschew the institution of marriage. It is a fact is that in American culture only a small percentage of gays are married. One would expect gay marriages to increase with time now that such relationships are legal in America.
An interesting fact: in America (according to some scientific research), gay marriages are twice as likely to succeed compared to straight marriages. Very interesting indeed.
As you can see, relationships are a vital part of being gay (or straight, for that matter). The purpose of the relationship may vary, but its significance is always important.
Religious Values
When many people think about “gays and religion,” they picture an epic, eternal conflict between secular, promiscuous gays and judgmental, straight Evangelicals. Well, religious values are much, much broader than that pairing.
Let’s look at many of the varieties of religion. After all, many religious people believe their relationship with a Higher Power is one of their most important goals to get right. Many gays (and straights) believe you don’t want to piss off God!
First, there are many gays (and straights) who are atheists or agnostic. Such people do not factor an invisible Power into their life decisions. It may be shocking to some Evangelicals that atheists and agnostics may be more “Christlike” in their loving actions than some pious Evangelicals.
Second, there are many gays whose religion is other than Christianity (e.g., Hindu, Muslim, Jewish). Such religions attempt to live by their own code — which may or may not approve of gay relationships.
Third, there are many gay Christians who are not Protestant Evangelicals. Catholics are still the majority Christian denomination in America — and Catholics currently experience tension between accepting or rejecting gay relationships — ditto for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Finally, there are some gay Christians who are themselves Evangelical. Some Evangelical gays believe that the Bible’s contextual meaning endorses gay marriages. Others believe that sexual and marital relationships are specifically banned in the Bible. Evangelical gays are likely to be closeted or celibate.
Conclusion
Some people acknowledge that they know nothing about gayness. Conversely, some people (gay and straight) believe they “know it all” about gayness.
But there is so much to know about gayness that no one person is truly a savant on the subject.
This article hopes to shed new light for some people; reaffirm knowledge for others.
And in closing, remember this: gays are as individually unique as snowflakes.
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the creator and editor of GAYoda, plus a writer for Backyard Church. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
