When Coming Out Costs You Everything
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
If you are ~age 22 or younger, coming out as gay may not have been such a painful experience. However, if you are 50+, your admission may have caused you to lose EVERYTHING.
What follows is a little history lesson, plus some very painful scenarios.
Definitions
First, I want to provide some simple definitions so that you and I are viewing the coming out phenomena through the same lens.
“Coming Out” is the act of declaring yourself gay (i.e., possessing predominant and automatic attraction to your same gender). Coming out is not an admission of having engaged in homoromantic or homoerotic behaviors with someone of your same gender. Likewise, it is not an admission of belonging to a particular religion or political party. Coming out is simply an admission of your sexual identity.
“Cost you everything” is a supreme, significant loss of something important, with an unlikelihood of ever regaining it. Examples include loss of family relationships, loss of church opportunities, and loss of professional jobs.
Please appreciate that coming out is a verbal expression of your inner self-identity. You may behave exactly the same way as before you came out. Still, people frequently begin viewing you as disordered, sinister, and unequal — simply because of your coming out.
In the first half of the Twentieth Century, abusers were stereotypically those who were hyper-masculine types and those who were ignorant bullies. Such are not the primary pain inflictors of today. Often, the people who abuse us today when we come out are members of a conservative religion (i.e., with a traditionalist biblical worldview). Examples include evangelical Protestants, the Catholic Church, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS).
Loss
The loss of family relationships is an unspeakable tragedy. Our family is supposed to be the bedrock, safe institution of support. Can you imagine the intense pain of when the person who comes out to his family is then judged and shunned?
For example, I know of a man (currently living in America) whose family members live in India. When this man informed his parents that he would marry a man, the parents refused to attend the marriage ceremony. They ostracized him from their family of origin. Today, he “has no parents, brothers or sisters.” Such examples of banishment likewise exist for American families. Horrific!
Can you grasp the emotional anguish of deciding whether you want to be authentic versus the punishment of losing one’s mom, dad, brothers, sisters, and extended family members? No wonder such gay people remain closeted and hidden from their family members.
Loss of church opportunities is another deterrent to coming out. Conservative churches expect their gay members to abstain from homoerotic and homoromantic activity and mute them from calling themselves “gay.”
For example, let me tell you the tragic story of Pastor Greg Johnson. He is the lead pastor of a Presbyterian Church in America (PCA). The PCA has paradoxically gained a reputation as one of the more traditionalist Evangelical denominations — while simultaneously accused of “going liberally rogue.” Pastor Greg Johnson of Memorial Presbyterian Church in St. Louis is largely responsible for the progressiveness.
As background, a cultural shift within evangelicalism became known as “Side B gay Christians.” Such Evangelicals ascribe to all of the major Evangelical tenants, plus show amazing sexual restraint. Each member intends to remain celibate for their lifetime. Given that Side B is extraordinarily traditionalist and conservative, why would the PCA be enraged over Pastor Johnson and the Side B community?
Because Pastor Johnson et al. have the temerity to call themselves “gay Christians.”
And boy-oh-boy, the PCA will have no such nonsense!
At the 2022 annual PCA pow-wow of their principal leaders, a 55–45 majority voted that people like Greg Johnson should be banned from holding any leadership position within the PCA community. Here is the PCA’s exact referendum:
“Men who describe themselves as homosexual, even those who describe themselves as homosexual and claim to practice celibacy by refraining from homosexual conduct, are disqualified from holding office in the Presbyterian Church in America.”
Please allow me to elaborate if this injustice escaped you at first glance. Men who merely call themselves as “homosexual” (not to mention the more “egregious” term of “gay”) are unqualified and barred from “holding office” (i.e., a position of leadership) within the PCA.
Furthermore, even if a self-described homosexual/gay man is absolutely pure in his sexual conduct, he is unqualified to lead in the PCA!
Talk about an unwelcoming church denomination. I can hear it now:
“You are welcome to attend our PCA church. But because you are authentic in describing your sexuality as homosexual/gay, you are a lesser-than-Christian — and can never hold a leadership position amongst us.”
As for me, I consider Greg Johnson not only to be a modern-day saint, but he is also my hero.
Loss of professional jobs and salary is another punishment for those gay individuals who dare to come out. Such a penalty has an extreme impact on the gay man — making him think long and hard about whether he wants to come out. I want to tell you about my own life, as an example.
I was a very successful Air Force officer: a former fighter pilot and commander. I was promoted ahead of 95% of my peers. I was also a closeted gay. I had daily homoerotic thoughts and attractions to men but repressed expressing them to anyone. And for a good reason. I served in the Air Force before the “Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell” policy. In my heyday, if anyone even suspected I was gay, I would have been kicked out of the Air Force that very day! My life was akin to being a spy in an enemy camp: one slip up, and I would be executed! I would lose my Air Force retirement benefits and immediately become unemployed. Fortunately, no one in the Air Force ever learned of my gayness.
In my next career, I was vice president of Focus on the Family — one of the leading institutions for “stopping the gay rights movement.” When I eventually gained confidence in my sexual identity, I came out to the president of Focus on the Family. In a mutual decision, I lost my job as their vice president.
Outing myself definitely cost me something of immense importance.
Authenticity
With these negative consequences, it is reasonable to ask, “Why would anyone ever come out?” One primary reason is that authentic living “out in the open” has major psychological benefits. Instead of being closeted, fearful, and self-loathing, the gay person may come to develop a very strong sense of self-esteem.
The gay man who is “out and proud” may have acquired inner peace and psychological strength. Rather than fearing the worst, the out gay person may view his status as precious and loved by God. Relatedly, the gay Christian who is out may experience being “his best possible self” — a person deeply loved by Jesus, “just as I am.”
Such is certainly true for me.
Martyrdom
However, choosing to come out publicly may not result in only positivity. Coming out may still result in ostracization, physical harm, and loss of everything.
For such gay people, they have become martyrs.
Despite the terrible, forever punishment, their courage in coming out helps the culture learn more about gayness. Being gay has become more normalized. And each generation is subsequently treated with more kindness and respect.
Conclusion
If you are age 22 and can acknowledge that your coming out story was “not so bad,” then perhaps you need to give some 50-year-old gay person a great big hug of thanks!
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder/author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with nine years of counseling and mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. Please read the complete set of his articles here. You may contact Dr. Rosebush at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
