Who Let The Unicorn Out — When and How to Come Out at Work

Unicorns have an instant recognition as being a mythical, magical creature. In fact, Dictionary.com defines a unicorn as:

1. a mythical creature resembling a horse, with a single horn in the center of its forehead: often symbolic of chastity or purity.
2. a heraldic representation of this animal, in the form of a horse with a lion’s tail and with a long, straight, and spirally twisted horn.
3. (initial capital letter) Genetics. The constellation Monoceros.
4. an animal mentioned in the Bible, Deut. 33:17: now believed by some to be a description of a wild ox or rhinoceros.
5. a former gold coin of Scotland, first issued by James III in 1486, having an obverse bearing the figure of a unicorn.
6. Finance. A relatively new company, usually less than ten years old that is valued at $1 billion or more by public or private investors.

The first two definitions align with the mythical vision of a unicorn, but as is apparent, the unicorn can mean many other things in our society. Aside from the finance definition above, the idea of spotting a unicorn (no matter the meaning) is rare. We can fantasize on how unicorn could exist (think as recent as the Harry Potter series with their use of unicorns) but seeing would be a rare sight indeed, no matter how hard you look for it. But, if this ever did happen, imagine the total wonder and fascination it would spark!

When we consider the “coming out” of a person in the workplace, I like to think of it as their unicorn moment. It is still rare in some companies and parts of the country, and when it does happen, it should be treated with respect and dignity.

IS COMING OUT STILL RARE?

The evolution of diversity and inclusion (D&I) programs has exponentially grown over the past couple of decades. The investment and visibility companies provide for D&I has attracted talented employees and garnered customer loyalty. There are many benefits of establishing a D&I program, and the associated employee resource groups (ERGs) that foster an environment of authenticity and safety. Most organizations with a D&I program will include an LGBTQA ERG that provides the right environment (if done right) for the natural and organic coming out of individuals. But is it that common?

Assuming that employees will, and want to, come out just because the company establishes an LGBTQA ERG is as wishful as hoping to spot a unicorn just because you set out rainbow marshmallows (assuming unicorns eat rainbow marshmallows.) There are many strategies and resources an LGBTQA ERG can establish to encourage employees to come out, but as I have found in my lengthy career in creating two separate LGBTQA ERGs, I can work and wish all I want…the unicorn moment for each person is different and can’t be forced.

A recent Gallup poll reports:

• 10 million American adults identify as LGBT (4.1%)
• LGBT millennials up from 5.8% in 2012 to 7.3% in 2016
• LGBT identification higher among women

Though these numbers are on the rise, statistics on percentages of “out” employees in the workplace are still difficult to ascertain, due to many factors, including company culture and policies, company location, individual preferences, local/national laws, and access to local resources (I.e., LGBTQ Centers.) Though many more companies are offering medical benefits and assurances of non-discriminatory treatment, coming out at work remains a personal choice that involves an environment of not only welcome and safety, but proof that the promises are real and tangible.

ALLIES ARE COMING OUT!

Coming out is not just for LGBTQ individuals. Our allies are coming out as well, and their unicorn moment is just as critical, if not more so. As an ally, they provide the equality factor we strive to achieve. Their presence and visibility add to the influential voice demanding that LGBTQ people be seen, acknowledged and granted access to opportunities an ally would have.

The reasons for allies coming out are just as diverse as an LGBTQ person. An ally may have an LGBTQ relative, daughter/son, friend or colleague. They typically have a strong liberal moral compass that drives their choice to be an out ally. Whatever the reason, the opportunity for LGBTQA ERGs is significant if they engage with allies in many ways. I have seen many allies become confused after joining an LGBTQA ERG as they are not sure what they should do, or if they even should ask to be in any leadership role.

The best way to engage and involve allies is to ask and ask often. Host open forum discussions that provide opportunities for them to ask any questions they have. Offer personal talks for those preferring to ask questions in a private environment. Most often providing allies the simple assurance that any leadership or contribution they can offer to the ERG is enough for them to step up and be active.

WHEN IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO COME OUT?

Coming out as LGBTQA is different for each person. There is no “expiration date” on when a person should come out. Factors such as culture, workplace environment, personal/family support, and personality are just a few factors determining when someone comes out.

Rather than wonder when a person is coming out, consider why they may not be out. Addressing these concerns, to the extent an ERG can, provides the proper environment for an individual to choose to come out. You can not force someone to come out, nor should you ever. Pressure, even with good intentions, is not welcome. Focusing on providing resources and education that address their fears of coming out should be the priority of an LGBTQA ERG.

WHO SHOULD OUT WHO?

Let’s repeat what we just covered directly above. NEVER out someone. Leave that choice to the individual coming out. Period.

HOW TO OUT WITHOUT DOUBT

You are now wondering what exactly can you do to foster the safe environment for LGBTQA individuals to come out. There is a wide range of programs, resources and activities an ERG can develop and offer that range from simple online articles to hosted events. We will cover the topic of coming out activities in a separate article. For now, let’s discuss the basic approaches you should take that will help you decide which activities and resources you choose to build.

• Welcome Approach — With the welcome approach, your ERG would develop resources and activities that welcome the individual to participate. The message should be focused on “optional.” Develop ways that individuals can choose how they access the information or event the respects their privacy. For example, when you have one article that links to external resources (I.e., Local LGBTQ Centers, national LGBTQ organizations) be sure to offer a bit.ly address link (abbreviated Web link code that is easy to notate) or provide a QR code that they can easily scan with their smartphone for personal viewing. For in-person or live events (I.e., Mixers, webinars, etc.), offer opportunities for private sessions or record the webinar so the individual can view on their own time.
• Resource Approach — Building from the welcome approach above, the resource approach focuses on what you are offering ERG members. Consider establishing a wide variety of resources, such as articles on LGBTQ history, interviews with LGBTQA leaders in your company and the community. Facilitating events that provide a networking opportunity with LGBTQA leaders, hosting webinars featuring guest speakers (I.e., HRC, PFLAG, etc.) that share specific information and insights, and publish lists of LGBTQ terminology and proper coming out etiquette. A great deal of this content is free and available for your company to repurpose (a separate article on content will feature this in detail). Focusing on providing a wide array of educational and networking resources will set the right environment for individuals to come out.
• Story Approach — With the story approach, it is a specific resource that provides a more personal connection with employees. We all love stories. A good story can not only move the heart but can also move the mind. If an employee reads an article your ERG publishes that features the coming out story of a senior executive, this provides a “hey, they are like me” moment of LGBTQA individuals. Sharing stories, no matter what title the employee has humanizes the invitation to come out. It reinforces the message that we are more than an employee, we are people brought together to “work” but can also share our authentic selves, which leads to more productive and happy employees.

Remember, respect the choice of individuals “unicorn moment” by following when one of the three approaches above will foster a safe environment for all LGBTQA employees.