Having difficult conversations: boost your skills to reduce stress
The amount of stress we have in our lives influences not only our health and well-being, but also how we behave, how we relate to people, and how we resolve conflict. Additionally, conflict in our lives can increase our stress. If both conflict and stress continue to grow they can feed each other with very negative consequences. However, managing conflict effectively can be helpful in combating stress, keeping us healthy and strengthening our relationships.
If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.
— Cheryl Richardson
One important aspect of managing conflict effectively is our ability to speak up respectfully and engage in dialogue with someone when there are differences of opinion about something that is important to each of us. Although speaking up may be something you are very comfortable doing, sometimes, a particular subject or person may present a challenge to you, which can make you dread what you are sure will be a difficult conversation.
What makes a conversation difficult or uncomfortable for us depends or various factors including:
- Our experience and history
- Our skills and confidence in having these kinds of conversations
- The relationship that we have with the person we need to talk to
- How our larger priorities, hopes, values, concerns and fears fit into the particular context of this conversation
Possible difficult conversations at work include:
- An employee wanting to let their manager know that the deadline is impossible to meet with the current work load and expectations
- A manager wanting to address performance concerns with an employee
- An employee wanting to share with a colleague the impact of their disruptive behaviour or unwelcome comments
- A team lead wanting to talk to a fellow team lead about how their two teams can work more collaboratively after a missed deadline and some tense interactions between team members.
The benefits of having a difficult conversation
Most people overestimate the cost of having difficult conversations and underestimate the effect of unresolved conflict on their health, well-being and relationships. As a result, many of us avoid having difficult conversations altogether.
Although having these conversations may feel uncomfortable in the short-term –especially when emotions are running high, it is important to keep the long-term positive gains in mind. When these conversations are done well, they can help resolve issues that will not go away on their own.
We often fear that if we speak up, we will hurt the other party or the relationship. But the truth is that by raising our concerns effectively and truly listening to the other person to better understand their concerns; we can build a strong working relationship.
Other advantages of having the conversation are:
- clearing up misunderstandings
- gaining a better understanding of the other party’s perspective, needs and concerns
- allowing your concerns to be understood
- potentially finding creative solutions that will make the situation better for both of you
Here are some tips for each of the 3 stages of the conversation; preparing, having and ending the conversation. These tips can help to make difficult conversations more effective and less stressful — no matter what your position is or the topic of your conversation:
1. Preparing for the Conversation
Clarify your intention: What do you want to accomplish? What can both parties potentially gain by having the conversation? Being able to see the big picture will:
- make the conversation easier
- allow you to approach the conversation positively
Improve your objectivity: Be aware of any language you may be using that could come across as being insulting, blaming or accusing. Also be aware of the assumptions you’re making. As human beings, we excel at filling in gaps and making assumptions.
The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand.” Everything else follows from that. . . .
Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Be mindful of how you invite the person to have a conversation: Make sure that the location is comfortable and private. Find a time that is convenient and suitable, and allow more time than you think you’ll need. Remember, a conversation in person is always better than one by email, as it allows each party to hear each other’s tone of voice and interpret non-verbal cues.
2. Having the Conversation
After sharing your positive intention for having the conversation, make sure you establish a safe space. When we feel safe, we can talk about anything. Without safety, we lapse into a defensive flight, flight or freeze mode, making it impossible to engage in a dialogue.
When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning — period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both of these reactions — to fight and to take flight — are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attack or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.
— Patterson, Grenny McMillan & Switzler, Crucial Conversations (p.49)
To establish safety:
Show Respect: Show that you respect the other person and that you care about them and what is important to them
Stay calm, present and authentic
Manage emotions
- re-establish safety if either party becomes defensive
- remind the other party: of your positive intention; that you want to find a solution that will work for both of you; that you are not there to attack, blame or insult
- have a pause strategy if emotions start to get in the way of dialogue: ask for time to get your thoughts together before you continue with the conversation
Strive for mutual understanding: Be curious, ask open questions, and acknowledge the information and feelings the other party communicates.
Speak from your own perspective: Be clear about what is important to you and the effect that the situation is having on you. Use language that’s neutral and factual.
3. Ending the conversation
- Make sure that next steps are clear for both of you.
- Thank the other party for their time.
- Build a follow-up into the conversation. Most important conversations are really a series of conversations that need to take place.
The Government of Canada’s Informal Conflict Management System
Every employee of the Government of Canada’s core public administration can get coaching to help them prepare for difficult conversations. Coaching is available from the Informal Conflict Management System (ICMS).
All ICMS services are confidential, voluntary, impartial and neutral. They include:
- one-on-one coaching and consultation
- facilitated conversations
- mediation
- group interventions
- training
To learn about ICMS services available to you:
- consult the Government of Canada’s web page https://www.canada.ca/en/treasury-board-secretariat/services/healthy-workplace/informal-conflict-management-system.html
- explore your department’s or agency’s intranet to see what your organization has to offer
Your Employee Assistance Program is another resource that can help employees manage aspects of stress.
The Deputy Ministers Task Force on Public Sector Innovation, mandated to play an action-oriented role in experimenting with emerging tools and approaches, has identified workplace well-being as a key priority project for the Government of Canada Entrepreneurs. With the support of the Task Force, GC Entrepreneurs are exploring how technology-based solutions can be used to promote workplace well-being. Learn more
References
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High. McGraw-Hill, 2002
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books, 1999
