Surreal Screenwriter Needed. Apply Within.
Having reached a certain age, I thought I might write my memoir, but quickly realized I’d have to (mostly) tell the truth which might be inconvenient for me and unnamed others, never a good thing if they are still alive and may be armed.
So, I considered a novel. At least I could change the most dangerous names and embarrassing facts. But my life has been chaotic and it’s difficult to carve a narrative from chaos; besides chaos is more fragile than people think and I wouldn’t want to do it harm.
So that leaves a movie. Movies can be as screwy and cut loose from reality as you want them to be. The perfect form for my biopic. But I’ll need help.
No doubt I’ll entice Fellini back from the grave to direct. No other choice is possible. I’ll need his clarity. I’ll hire Bergman to consult, for laughs..
That leaves casting. Obviously I am too old to play myself, so who then? The actors I would choose are all dead and that will make it hard to deal with them. But actors’ egos are huge, even when dead. We’ll do lunch; make a deal.
Of course, I would pick Steve McQueen first, not because we looked alike, (well, perhaps a tad…) but he was the coolest man who ever acted.
After that it’s hard to say. Gary Cooper, James Dean (as the young me) or maybe Dennis Hopper because we shared a certain disdain for everything conventional. Choices are limited.
I understand my young readers will not know most of these guys, but to me most current movie stars look a little bit too girly, and after all it is my life.
For the women in my life? No brainer: Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Kim Novak and Audrey Hepburn. Physical accuracy is not an issue. I’m into elegance.
As for me, I think I’ll just stick to poetry. That way I can order the fragments of my life in any way I like, which is pretty much how I’ve lived it.
So I really need a scriptwriter. I chose Hunter Thompson, but he refused, being too busy with target practice. That means the job is available. It could be yours. Projects like this don’t come along often.
Here’s the deal: you write the life I’ve lived and keep the inevitable Oscar.
You know where to find me. Please get busy. Write that screenplay from hell.
I can’t wait to see who I’ve been.
