Virtue and Sin
I remember it started with suicide-or at least that was the beginning, suicide. I was there in the room when it happened, standing. Just standing-watching, weak to do anything; I’ve decided this won’t have anything to do with me. Zora Giovanni Perch died the day she realized she’d never walk she committed suicide a few days later. You see Zora Giovanni Perch, pretty as she was, had an indistinguishable appetite to be alive. She loved to live, and was increasingly apprehensive and worn out by everyone. Whatever may be said about the dead at least one thing is true, while alive, she always gave them a fair chance. Zora Giovanni Perch had a mother who loved literature and how all eyes watched God. Zora Giovanni Perch had a father who loved poetry and a lady going by the name of Nikki. So October 15th, the year is not important, a girl was birthed Zora Giovanni Perch and everyone but the baby cried, having figured tragedy is a possible end.
If still alive Zora would deny being infatuated with Bibi and sickeningly in love with Toby; in the original, my mind, it actually said: If still alive Zora would deny being in love with Bibi and Toby. However thinking about it and knowing her so completely I know I would have been saying it solely for myself. She did not love Bibi. She simply needed Bibi. Bibi did not love her. Bibi was tremendously fond of her. Bibi was in a relationship for the long haul. Bibi also was the sort who believed you could be in love with two people at the same time. The day Bibi shared this theory Zora had been crying but smiled when she heard that and laughed. Back when she had legs she was always laughing at Bibi. It was because she knew she could always get away, she could escape. When Bibi came to the hospital she did not laugh, she had no legs, she was trapped. Instead she cursed Bibi even when the term, “You’re my girl, you’ll always be my girl,” came up. Hearing it made her weep and when Bibi tried to hold her she pushed and pushed till she fell out of bed. This is where she first got the idea to kill herself.
Bibi’s relationship was based on full trust. Bibi’s relationship understood Bibi’s deep need to pay attention to Zora. For Bibi there had never been one as fascinating as Zora. Bibi’s relationship knew that. Bibi’s relationship didn’t seem to mind. Bibi’s relationship was for the long haul. Bibi did not love Zora: Zora did not love Bibi.
One time Bibi was drunk and Zora was not and Bibi said that the relationship allowed for her too. Amused Zora smiled and inquired if Bibi wanted it that way. Bibi did if Zora did. She laughed and said she’d think about it. A few days later Zora found herself crying in Bibi’s house where the latter answered her question on whether or not one could be in love with two people at once. This was not the cause of the tears merely a curious mind romping. At a party Zora got tired, dreaded what she wore, tried not to think of the word anxiety, gave up and told Bibi she was going. Bibi didn’t want that so Zora became playful and said she’d had enough with people, and could Bibi walk her out? Bibi could. In the hall Zora asked if they could hold hands, Bibi’s hands were cold Zora’s was soft. They made small talk of nothing of importance because Zora was concentrating on the hand. At the door, when safely on the other side and looking at Bibi through the screen, did she tell Bibi to kiss her. They put their lips to the screen. Bibi became tremendously fond of Zora. Bibi’s relationship didn’t seem to mind. Bibi’s relationship was for the long haul.
On accident, forgetting their sweet bit, and running tongue faster than joke, Bibi told some that there was a great deal of love for Zora, that she was “my girl”. Zora was there sitting so close their knees were touching, she liked being near Bibi because Bibi was the only one to figure out how she liked to play. In fact she had already been playing when Bibi realized what was said and looked at her. They said a lot in a glance before Zora smirked while lowering her head and trying to dig finger nails into Bibi’s leg. She said to the some, “Bibi’s in love with me so what can I do? Bibi also tells lies.” The some laughed so no one, but Zora, knew that Bibi had told the truth.
Zora remained winning their game until Bibi moved away and they hadn’t physically seen each other in a year. Drunk yet in a calm shock at what her fingers were doing she found herself calling Bibi. Bibi answered as if they always called each other. Maybe a memory flashed on the brain when the phone revealed Zora’s name. This is where Zora stopped winning and they came to a tie. She took a deep breath and said, “I miss you. I’ll never repeat it again, but I really do.” A pause; Bibi was honored. Bibi always thought Zora cared deeply for a lot of things but never said it. But she told him so Bibi knew another layer flaked off. They talked about things and had a verbal play. Bibi did not love Zora: Zora did not love Bibi: If still alive Zora would deny being infatuated with Bibi and sickeningly in love with Toby.
Zora was in love with Toby-though the exact date she was struck down with the blow remains to be seen. Toby had ten fingers and ten toes, one nose, two ears with two eyes, all teeth, lips over, a single chin, hair at top, hair on the middle, hair down below; he had two legs, two arms, and a pair of hands and feet. Overall Toby was a boy so Zora, if looking at it this way, couldn’t have helped herself even if she wanted to. Where Toby was feminine Zora was masculine so neither realized what they lacked, and could only admire what they themselves could not do. The circumstance of their friendship is tricky and, fortunate for the rhyme, a fair bit sticky. But together they drank; together they parted. Together they slept: Together they sorrowed. And when together they bathed, fought, argued, and booed, Zora finally understood the benefits of one and one finding two.
When discovering the fact she found out it was not dramatic like the books promised it to be. In fact she was calm and thought it was funny. She wrote it down somewhere to prove it to herself. It became her favorite joke, she would say to herself, “I love Toby, isn’t it funny?” and laugh. Zora, who so liked being alive, when she saw Toby come into her hospital room, knowing what they all knew, she turned away from him. By this time the joke, having read all the same books as Zora, turned bitter, and the inevitable despair of silent pain turned to grief. So sometimes it made her cry. Toby, who knew her soul perfectly despite everything, was hurt by this gesture. Zora never lied to him but he told lies to her, being as she was the one person he couldn’t bare to hurt. Their bond was a close one so Zora knew that, it’s why sometimes she tried to hurt him. But Zora was not a pointless girl the fact that suicide crossed her mind had nothing to do with romance. If Toby got hurt in the process then it was his own fault. So sometimes Zora was selfish;
At the sight of watching Zora turn her head from him Toby knew at this time he could not lie to her. He saw Bibi in the hall who told him he had tried. Bibi was trying not to cry because Bibi did not love Zora. Bibi was in a relationship for the long haul. Bibi also believed you could love two people at once. First Toby sat on the bed then he laid on the bed and Zora’s eyes watered because for an instance she thought she felt his feet touch hers. She tried to concentrate on that moment but it was gone, she felt nothing. Open tragedy had never struck them before. Toby’s only solution was to slide down and put his head on her shoulder. They sat in long silence. The moon was quiet the stars hidden.
Then in a low voice resolute and final Zora suddenly said, “I’m going to kill myself.”
She sounded so sure that all Toby could do was turn his face into her shoulder and shed all of his tears. He cried because he knew the joke had gone bitter. He cried because he was angry that there was even a joke to begin with. But mostly he cried because he knew how honest Zora’s feelings for him were, and though he didn’t know how to return them and knew he wasn’t good enough, it made him happy to know someone cared deep enough for him. So sometimes Toby was selfish too; He thought maybe if he had been in love with her too then she would have never lost her legs. Only sometimes thinking that way upset him because wasn’t it clear that Bibi, whose relationship understood everything, loved Zora so completely? Was it his fault Bibi loved more? No. What did Zora even know about it (love) anyway? Was it not she who took Bibi’s calls at all hours? Was it not she who told Toby himself that Bibi, while cooking together, put her in a headlock because she kept misbehaving and it so pleased her that she had wanted very badly to kiss the mouth but reframed? Did this not prove she was in love with Bibi and disprove that she was in love with Toby? With his own eyes had he not seen, of course while his own mouth was being pressed upon, Zora standing then gracefully tilting her chin down so that Bibi would kiss the lips? Did that not mean love?
…And yet…
Zora could be outright mean to Toby, harsh and stubborn, unforgiveable when the mood struck her. Her silence was mean, her face could be cruel. And yet, Zora could smile and really mean it, capable of making laughter felt. Toby liked that no matter where he was he knew they were always laughing at the same joke. He liked that when she suffered from doubt she’d tell him all her truths over everything she ever thought or felt from the last time she wanted a human to know her exactly. What lacks in the rest of the world, thus inflicted Zora constantly, was this deep need of camaraderie, this drastic need to know no living thing searches for itself in its shadow alone. This one honesty about her, Toby thought none but she had-and she really did want to mean well though she sometimes acted out against it.
Eventually Toby left. Zora was glad to be left alone with her useless legs, they were useless now. In a book she read once, something with the word death in it, the main character had cancer and a hole with a flap of his flesh on the back of his head to remove it. When the character grew weary of being sick he slammed his head into the railing of his hospital bed and died. Zora didn’t have a hole at the back of her head, but if cancer could rupture surely a neck could snap. This was her thought when she hoisted herself up then down again. It didn’t work, she only managed to hit right above the neck and produce a headache. She told herself that was practice for the real thing. Again she tried with all her might, really wanting to end it this time and succeeded. And as life drained from the eyes of someone who really wanted to be alive, Zora saw, with her head limp, that her legs had risen up. Death was quick but slow enough for Zora Giovanni Perch to realize patience is a virtue, and lack of faith the number one sin.
