What Will You Do? Looking back on Leelah Alcorn
THE BACKGROUND
One year ago on December 28th, Leelah Alcorn committed suicide. The 17-year trans old girl named Leelah Alcorn came out to her family and faced severe rejection. She had been through Christian conversion therapy, and wrote in her suicide note that she couldn’t see a future for herself or others like her. Trans Lifeline, a crisis line by and for the trans community that had only existed for a month at the time received 300 calls in the days after Leelah’s suicide note went viral. Maddie Martinez, a Trans Lifeline volunteer operator took 16 hours of calls that week. There was an overwhelming need for this crucial work, and the trans community stepped up to the challenge. These are Maddie’s reflections on that time, and the work Trans Lifeline has done since.
’TIS THE SEASON
Tensions were high as the holiday seasoned rolled around and for many of the trans individuals who called the lifeline, these days were depressing. I had barely been a volunteer operator for a month, but that didn’t matter to the people whom I was helping to find answer to their problems, lending an ear to listen or showcasing that it is possible to live a life that truly makes us happy.
I heard many different stories and from many different people, but most of them all had the same underlying issues: Families didn’t want to support them or see them, their employment wasn’t going well, feelings of being lonely, lost, confused and misunderstood. Most of these conversations ended in positive notes where the caller was able to learn that there are people out there just like them and that it doesn’t all end bad. But some of the calls were sad and devastating for both of us. These callers were in such dark places and seemed to have such bad luck in their experiences that they felt like there was no way out. It was hard trying to convince them that they needed not to hurt themselves and that they were adding a permanent solution to temporary problems. I had to intervene with my story many times and how I had survived a bunch of different situations in not only growing up, but being trans. It hurt to have to relive those moments over and over again, but sometimes it was worth it to make that sacrifice to ensure that these callers knew that there was something out there other than despair.
Leading up to Christmas was intense. It was hard, but a lot of us got through it. I was glad that I was able to give support to our community and that I was able to help some of the individuals realize that not everything was lost just because they were not being accepted for who they were. I knew that Christmas would not be the end of the calls, that we still had to brace for the New Year and what that was going to bring in. Even though the calls were taking their toll, the feeling of knowing that I helped someone were far too great to give up. I had no idea that a storm of callers would be pouring in lead by the tears of Leelah Alcorn.
THAT DAY
That day had started out rough for me with on onset of headaches that I experience every now and then, but it left me with a bunch to time available to offer to the lifeline later in the afternoon. Because I didn’t spend any time finding out what was going in the world, I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I went on call that day.
As soon as I signed on callers started pouring in from all over the U.S. grieving the lose of Leelah, feeling so connected with her that they felt that they had no other choice in ending up like her. They needed someone to talk to because it is truly messed up the way that our society treats transgender individuals. I was not fully aware of the impact that she had created. When I finally found out after chatting with people ignorantly, I knew that things were about to get rough for each and every one of us volunteer operators.
I had no idea how much Leelah’s life would affect the rest of the world. She was plastered all over the media and her note made to be a centerpiece in the cry for help that many of the trans community desperately wanted to say. I connected with her because at around the same age I made that same awful decision that she did. I was luckily able to survive the attempt that I took on my life. I was devastated by the outcome of her choice. At the same time, I knew that at some points in our lives we find ourselves in positions that we think there are no ways out and make decisions that are not truly best for us.
That whole week was hard. I talked to many suicidal kids, teens and adults. I worked hard to convince a lot of them that life was worth living, that we can make our lives whatever it is that we want them to be, that even though we might be stuck in shit now it does not last that way for ever. I had to dig in deep and tell them my story, my childhood, my suicide attempts, my hardships and that I am a survivor. I am able to say to them that I am more comfortable in my life now as I ever been and I owe it to living true to myself.
TODAY
Even though as sad as it is to say, Leelah did make a difference. She reached people who needed to be reached and she opened many doors that were previously shut to our community. Even though a lot of the trans community experience her pain, not all of them see as dark a light on the world. I do not know how many people I talked to or how many of them I brought back from considering suicide. I do know that even at times I had to take breaks and deal with my own puzzle pieces that seemed to be falling apart. Re-opening issues that I thought were over definitely brought a toll on me that I was not expecting. Even some of the calls that I went through ended up being just as beneficial for me as it was for the caller. It was a rough experience, but in the end I was glad to be a part of it because it just showed how much services like the lifeline were needed and that even though I could not go out and personally take care of each one of the callers that I received, that I was able to make a difference in a least a few people’s lives.
If there was anything that I learned that week, it was that people need support in all instances of life. I am glad for the trans lifeline and I am glad to say that I try to do my part to keep our community intact. Today there are hundreds of volunteers dedicating their time and knowledge to Trans Lifeline. We are not dong it for glory or for monetary compensation. We are all doing it to help make a difference and to help save lives like Leelah who feel like they have no one else to turn to. We exist because the need for our existence is vital.
