I Was Born A Girl In A Boy’s Body

Let me introduce myself: My name is Pooya, and I was born a girl in a boy’s body, many years before it was fashionable to talk about or even acknowledge that such a thing existed. Most people seem to have slight confusion about transgender individuals.

We, as trans people, aren’t necessarily confused — or at least most of us aren’t. We are very aware of who we are from early on. It is the “trying” to meet the expectations of the outside world that creates turmoil, confusion, self hate, and doubt.

It’s the pressure from this said world — be it from our parents, teachers, friends, neighbors or whomever — that forces us to question what is so natural to us, and pushes us to hide and try very hard to conform, to blend in, to become invisible.

Growing up in Iran in the 1980s, I had no problem playing with other girls or with girl toys, but as I grew older I became aware of how other people perceived me. I started feeling the looks of disapproval and hearing the whispers. I started to hide and pretended to be something I wasn’t. Trying to be a boy was an act I couldn’t pull off. I did that for too long.

Can you imagine how many children and young adults hide their true selves just because they are different?

Trans kids are treated like freaks, felons and lepers, only because they don’t fit society’s idea of black and white gender roles. Don’t you think it’s a shame to sacrifice even one soul by burdening them with DOUBT: doubt in who they are and where they belong in society; doubt in whether they are worthy of love and respect as they are; doubt in whether or not they deserve to live, just because of they are transgender?

Iran was a world where trans people didn’t exist; no one talked about them (and I mean not a single physical manifestation of a trans individual). I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt different. I was this outsider, I might as well have been from Mars! I felt so alone. Like many of my trans brothers and sisters, I tried to commit suicide…many times. I saw no life, no future, and no purpose of an existence that seemed to cause anything but heartache.

I always felt like the way I talked, the things I’d say, my thoughts, and my dreams made the people around me look at me as thought I had brought them a plate of poop. Then can you blame me and people like me for seeing no other way but to take our own lives and rid the world around us? Ridding ourselves of the world that can’t accept us for who we are.

As I have grown and moved from my homeland, I’ve left behind friends and memories, a way of life and an identity that took 18 years to form. Since starting a new adventure in New York, I see the pain of those around me, who are still lost and afraid.

I have come to terms with my past, mostly with the people who were less than kind, due to their ignorance.

As a transgender person there are many decisions that need to be made, but one very important decision stands out for me: The choice to decide whether I want to lower myself to the level of hate, ignorance, and bigotry of those who have wronged me through life, or if I want to rise above and see everyone as products of our surroundings and blame to the lack of education about transgender individuals.

When I first came to New York City, I didn’t have the right clothes gender-wise to transition. I was a ‘fresh’ immigrant — money wasn’t readily available. Please understand that in no way do I think this problem would only apply to an immigrant. I’ve seen many LGBT youth who have either run away from home or have been kicked out by their families and have very limited access to resources.

I had so many questions; how do I present myself at work? What do I wear? Makeup? Too much makeup?

Most people take it for granted that we learn our adult behaviors from the role models around us — most trans people have none. At least not when I first came to the U.S. We have to find our own way through life and grow up in a very different way than cis-gender people. It’s unfortunate that transgender people, very rarely, receive affirmation in regards to who they truly are.

Then there’s dating; who, where, how? This is an entirely separate topic, because in many ways the most basic rules of dating for trans individuals are different from Cis and LGB individuals. There is so much violence attached to the trans community; Especially for trans women, which makes the adventure of dating and finding a partner a dangerous one for most.

I want to end this by saying that life as a trans person is an adventure filled with doubt, fear, guilt and hopefully in 2015, a lot of hope.

I say goodbye for now with the wish that the trans individuals of tomorrow will no longer feel like they can only exist in the shadows, but know that they are just another beautiful part of the human family.

With love and gratitude,

Pooya