Strings of Fear
Fear is such a complicated emotion. A powerful one. It can grip us by the heart and soul and squeeze so tight that we can barley breathe.
I remember as a kid I was convinced that the bogey man lived in the attic. I was sure of it. I was so sure of it that I would not leave the safety of my bed if it was dark outside. The fear was that strong. Today I know that there is no such thing as the bogey man yet I am still a little leery about going into attics. A touch of that stifling panic still lives in my mind.
As the wife of a transgender person I’ve had to face many fears. Fears that gripped me and at times had me paralyzed. But like the bogey man I couldn’t let these fears consume me. I am not five years old anymore waiting for the safety of sunlight.
When my partner first started transitioning I was filled with fear. There were little fears as well as fears so great it felt impossible to take another step. I My mind was not my own and I just followed the moves of the fear. The only way through it was to keep walking towards it with head held high. I had to cut and snip away at the strings with grace and dignity. And slowly but surely I walked through it. Today as I look back, the fears that seemed so sure and so real, didn’t exist at all. At the time though they were very real.
Here’s just a couple of fears I had that were huge and so powerful that they were attached to me, manipulate me and directed me just like strings on a puppet. I’ve had to work very hard to cut these strings.
The strongest fear of course was our boys. They are young men in their mid-20’s. We have raised them to be open-minded and if any two kids were going to be accepting it would be them. Yet they are mine and my mama bear gut response is to protect them. That string of fear was cut the day we told them. They looked their father straight in the eye and said all they wanted for her was to be happy. That nothing will ever change the fact that she has been, still is and always will be their Dad.
Another fear was the direction of our marriage. It never entered my mind to end the marriage, but I was unsure of what direction we would be going in. The questions can be overwhelming. Everything from the legalities such as bank accounts, health insurance and ownership of property to silly yet still important things such as who’s going to make dinner and who drives the car now. This fear was confronted by simply taking action. Getting a lawyer, making phone calls, filling out paperwork. And as for the silly yet important things… we just wing it. I’m no longer afraid of what direction our marriage is going in because I know for sure that it’s not the course that matters, only that my partner and I take it together.
Fear sneaks up on this trans gentle wife. Will people think I’m weird? Does this make me a lesbian? What if she wants to be with a man? Am I still attractive? Do I still have sex appeal? What if I can’t fix a leaky toilet? If we get lost who’s going to ask for directions? ……and it goes on and on and on.
That bogey man will live up in the attic if I believe that he’s there. If I believe that he’s bigger than I am. And while I know he doesn’t really exist, I do at times get scared of him and want to stay in bed where its safe and warm and wait for the safety of daylight. The last couple of years have taught me that I’m bigger than the bogey man.
That I don’t need to have fear take over my life.
