What does Masculinity mean to me?
I went to the Philly Trans Health Conference this year and in one of the genderqueer/non-binary workshops we were given a piece of paper with ten blank lines and a crayon. I sat in a packed room and listened to the host of the workshop explain how they were going to ask us ten questions and we had to write whatever instinctually came to mind. We were going to have very little time to think about our answers. So the exercise begins with the host saying, “First question, Who am I?” I write down, Marika. “Second question, Who am I?” I write down, Gender non-conforming boy. “Third question, Who am I?” I write down, daughter. After we went through all ten questions — which I’m sure you realize what the remaining seven questions were — we were asked to cross out three of those answers. Again given very little time to ponder our decisions. Then we were asked to cross out three more answers. And finally three more. We were left with only one answer still showing. My answers spanned from my gender identity to my occupation to my twinness (I have a cis twin brother); but to my pleasant surprise, the answer still showing was my name, Marika.
This exercise felt significant for me for a few reasons.
1) I realized how in a safe space I could identify with these parts of me that I had shunned due to my own insecurity surrounding my gender expression. Example- I am a daughter. I’m happy about that. I don’t need another word for that. When I think about my dad picking me up as a little girl and talking to me to try and calm me down from whatever tizzy I was in- I feel like his daughter.
2) Luckily I have a pretty unique name- in other cultures it is considered feminine; however, I don’t have those cultural associations with it, nor do my peers because most people I interact with don’t know another Marika. So there was something very validating and comforting knowing that no matter what other words I have used, and will use, to describe myself, my name feels like a solid through line.
3) Lastly, and probably most importantly, in this safe space I wrote down ten different things that define me. This list would probably read as very confusing for most people in our society. I listed all things that felt true for me with no regard to the gender binary or societal perception. I do feel like a gender non-comforming boy and I do feel like a daughter; and it felt transcendent and liberating to own those identities simultaneously.
The question, ‘What is masculinity?’ sometimes makes my brain want to blow a fuse from being fed too many inputs and not knowing how to organize them all into a rational output. First off, this is a completely subjective question. My definition is not going to be the same as my twin brother’s nor the same as the woman’s who I passed on the street this morning. I’m not trying to author a dictionary, I’m just trying to work this shit out in a way that makes sense for my life. I think for now I’ve concluded that masculinity is completely about appearance for me. I feel the most confident and comfortable when presenting as masculine as my hips and baby face will allow. I should note my masculine style choices are pretty in line with what’s considered acceptable in our society- muscular, no frills, hard lines, GQ dapper and so on. I think if I could stand in front of the mirror in my room and pass as male within my four walls I’d feel high as hell on life; however, I don’t necessarily want to pass outside in the real world. I feel masculine pride in the way I look, but emotionally and intellectually I have no kinship with the idea of masculinity or living as male in our society. My thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my being have no gender. My brain has no association with either side of the female/male binary. These characteristics that have been assigned to gender are all things that I possess or do, but they’re never assigned to a gender in my head when I’m doing them.
I wanted to share this photo with this piece because it’s just one visual that communicates how I feel about masculinity. For people who know me, know that I’ve had top surgery and don’t “need to cover up”. For people who don’t know me they might look at this photo and see androgyny, but a female-bodied person, and visualize what’s under the censor bar. Either way, both spectators will hopefully, even if it’s subconsciously, question the imagery that we’ve come to accept in our society as female/male/feminine/masculine.
I believe in language and having the ability to identify certain traits or characteristics with a certain word; but I think our culture has taken that too far. Today it feels like it’s more about a standard to judge by than a tool for communication. Individual expression is a priceless commodity that gets bashed not for what it actually is, but rather because it threatens the accepted paradigm. So many people, including myself at times, live in fear of acting outside of these man-made boundaries that when their presented with a situation that challenges these very boundaries they disrespect and demean them due to their own insecurities. The very notion of masculinity (and femininity, but that’s not what this piece is focusing on) feels synthetic. We hide within this fabricated idea of ‘I’m a man and therefore should act masculine’ or ‘I’m seen as masculine-presenting in society and therefore need to act accordingly’ instead of proudly standing out for our individualism whatever that might mean. We’re stunting ourselves before we even have the chance to flourish into the person we could become. As a society, and as parents to new life coming into this world, we’ve lost sight of the significance of living out our honest truths. We’re scared to stand out. We’re scared to support our children in standing out. We conform to what’s already been said, and written, and done in fear of getting bullied; and so the cycle continues.
When I think about what masculinity is I feel almost overwhemled by the pinball-like opinions in my head around nature vs. nurture. So what is it exactly? I still don’t really know. What I do know is that I am Marika and I feel sexy in a suit and tie. And whatever masculinity is, why let it rule over our thoughts about how that stranger seems ‘different’, or let it hinder our personal discoveries about ourselves, or allow it to suppress our children's desires to learn about themselves and their world? Right now I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain looking down on the gender binary just observing all the ways we’ve been chained by it. To every reader who reached this point in this piece, come up here with me and take a long, deep breath. Don’t be scared. I think what we might discover up here could expand our hearts, our minds, and our soul in a way that we are rarely shown is possible.
