#WhatIWantedToWear: Auntiji
Here’s the thing: being fabulous doesn’t protect you. Compliments don’t keep you safe. The thing about being a transfeminine person is that everyone always remarks on how “fierce” or “fabulous” you are, but few people ask how you are getting home. Every day I look at my closet I have to ask myself how I’m getting home. Every day I look at my closet I have to ask myself how I’m feeling that day. Am I ready to endure constant street harrassment? Am I ready to be gawked at? Am I ready to have people take photos of me without their consent? Am I coming home late?
I hate how our society evaluates peoples’ gender identities based off of what they look like. If I had it my way I would dress femme every single day. But I don’t, because I can’t. Often I’m too afraid. Often I’m too tired. When I look at people on the subway I try to think about all of the outfits that they would have worn, could have worn, how they could have fashioned their bodies if we lived in a world where being different is demonized.
Today I had a photo shoot in my house. What I love about being at home is that I can wear whatever the hell I want! I’m that girl who will call you over for tea and be wearing the most extravagant outfit. People will ask: “Where are you going?” I wonder: Why do we have to be leaving somewhere to be dressed up? Being at home makes me feel most safe.
When I left the house after the shoot I decided to wear the outfit on the right. I knew that people would probably read me as a gay man. But I knew that would probably get me home without being followed. Sometimes that feels like enough.
**I use the gender neutral pronouns “they/them**
Feeling deep ambivalence about how we dress is something the trans and gender non-conforming communities experience acutely, but it’s not just about us. We’d love to hear from everybody about how they navigate self presentation each day.
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