5 Most Important Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Came Out
Coming out is a difficult and personal subject when it comes to being trans. I know that when I was deciding on whether I would come out as an openly trans male two years ago, it was terrifying. For the longest time I wanted to shove it down and ignore it, thinking this feeling of being imprisoned in a body that wasn’t mine would magically disappear.
It didn’t.
I tried everything from drugs and alcohol to self-harm to distract me from who I really was instead of facing the truth. Nothing I did changed the reality that I was born into a body that wasn’t “mine.”
When I came out, I went about it the wrong way. I didn’t have any guides or anyone holding my hand and encouraging me.
Although I did have a few close friends and my girlfriend who knew I am trans — I hadn’t come out to my family or to people I knew in my town.
Coming out in the manner that I did was destructive and had consequences that I wasn’t prepared for. Although I don’t regret coming out, I do wish I had thought about it more instead of coming out due to anger during an argument with my family and later in a reply to a post on Facebook.
I am hoping that by sharing my experience and these 5 things I wish I had known before I came out, I can help not only give you an idea of what to expect, but also help you from rushing into something you aren’t ready for.
It’s important to note that not every individual or family/support group is the same. My paternal family didn’t take the news well and are still unsupportive of me transitioning. My “friends” on Facebook turned out to not be my “friends” at all and I ended up having to delete my Facebook due to the harassment and backlash that I received. However, some people have a supportive network of family and friends. This is my hope for all of you out there who are reading this.
1. How You Come Out Matters
This is the most important thing on the list and I am giving it to you first because I want you to realize its importance. I came out as a result of anger, almost as an insult to my Grandparents because I knew it would piss them off. Although I am trans, I came out for the wrong reason. I have battled myself most of my life, but I let things bottle up until it went too far and I exploded.
Coming out should never be negative, especially on your part if possible. It should be for the right reasons, at the time you feel most comfortable and accepted.
When I came out on social media, someone had written something about parents of transgender children who support their transition. It made me angry and therefore I felt compelled to give the person a piece of my mind in a way that outed my gender. Soon, people I thought were my friends were jumping in and commenting hateful things to me, I was being harassed and threatened on my account. It got so bad that I deleted my Facebook account in order to escape the ridicule and threats.
Try to be mindful of how you come out. Make sure that you are in the right state of mind, that you are in a positive environment, and you are fully comfortable with who you are.
2. The People Who Matter Won’t Care About Your Gender
I lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends when I came out. One girl who was supposedly my best friend was in on the harassment and threats. She liked the replies that were most violent towards me and when confronted, she got verbal with me.
However, when my other best friend heard what had happened, she was quick to jump in and tell me that it was okay to be who I am and that she was proud of me for being strong. She even calls me by my pronouns, even though she occasionally slips.
Even though my paternal family did not accept the news with open arms, my maternal family accepted me with open arms. My brother on my mother’s side even said “So I have a brother? Awesome!” That is the most validating thing anyone has ever said to me. My Uncle, whom I had never met, even showed support for the big news.
3. It’s Going to Take a While for People to Get Used to Things
Nothing happens overnight. When I came out, it took a while for some people to remember my chosen name and pronouns. Some people still slip, and some still call me by my given name. Sometimes, you have to give it time and stay persistent in a calm and constructive manner. Explain to people how important it is that they refer to your pronouns as well as your name. Politely remind others, but don’t be too forceful. Don’t give up, even when you get discouraged.
4. There Are Support Groups for Transgender Adults and Youth That Can Provide Support
Although I have been on the internet since 2000, one of the things I’ve failed to utilize are support forums and groups. There are groups for all people, and if you are looking for advice or to make friends who will help guide and support you on your journey, they are where you should look first. This is helpful if you are scared or are having problems coping. A good place for finding support groups, advocacy groups, hotlines, and other resources is Glaad.org
5. Self-Acceptance Should Come First
I am a believer that you have to be comfortable with yourself before others can be comfortable with you too. I had problems with accepting who I am and facing my situation that caused me to run from myself for years. It’s taken 26 years, but I’ve finally learned how to accept myself thanks to soul-searching and the support I have received from the people who stuck around even when shit hit the fan. If you can’t accept yourself, you should wait until you can. Trust me, it’s worth it. Self-acceptance is the most valuable form of acceptance.
In Closing
I hope by sharing my experience and these 5 things that I wish I had known before I came out, that you will be able to make the right decision when coming out and not be as ill-prepared as I was. You are beautiful the way that you are, and you should never stop being or run from yourself. I wish you the very best on your journey.
