Building My Bridge As I Walk Across It
An exploration of the ghosts of trans past, present, and future.
I know that the answer is going to be “yes,” but if you’re trans and reading this, have you ever just looked back on your life and been like, “Ohhhh that thing I did makes way more sense now knowing that I’m trans.” For some of us, I know that the memories that made the most impact gender-wise can be traumatic and therefore closed off to the brain.
However, there are so many mundane events that made me think, “Why didn’t I realize this earlier??” I’ve seen plenty of people talk about this, but the consequences of it are much deeper than having a laugh about being an un-cracked egg (trans person who didn’t realize they’re trans). By recontextualizing my past, it made it much harder to apply it to the future.
Firstly, it started off with little flashes of memories that just felt weird and uncomfortable. It was as if every flashback was at the bottom of the uncanny valley. Memories that used to be happy felt odd and uncomfortable. Once it hit me that I was trans, that lens was finally lifted and I could come to terms with those moments that just were indecipherable before. For example, I had lots of girl friends in high school, and getting split from them on an overnight trip because I was a boy didn’t feel right. At first…
