Finding My Truth
An Identity Evolution
CW: Sexually explicit language, internalized transphobia, outdated language (I'm going to use the language that was in use at the time)
This is a story that I’ve been wanting to write for over a year now, but if I hadn’t updated it and kept a journal of my evolution, it wouldn’t have been accurate. I may have forgotten some things — a hazard due to the TBI (traumatic brain injury) in my history — but I think it’s best that I didn’t write this earlier; while I am completely allowing myself to change in the future, I’ve been stable in my identity for 6 months now. And 6 months of (nearly) complete gender euphoria tells me that I’m most likely at the destination of my journey.
I thank the Gender from the Trenches editor, Martie Sirois, for her call for submissions, which provided me the impetus to write this — for both myself, and anyone questioning, for whom it may help discover their authentic self.
These are my experiences, my story, my gender discovery, which cannot be assumed the same for any other trans person. They each have their own truths.
I'm Drew-Marie Chase Lewis, and my pronouns are they/them/theirs. I chose this name a few weeks after I began transitioning. “Drew” was my nickname for 30 years, and, since it's at least somewhat gender neutral (think Drew Barrymore), it would help keep long-time friends from deadnaming me.
The addition of “Marie” gives it a feminine flavor — appropriate, as I'm on the feminine side of the gender spectrum. I have always thought Marie was a totally cute name, and it shares 3 letters with my dead middle name. The name “Chase” is gender neutral, and was the name that popped out most to me when I was researching gender neutral names.
The short version of how I identify is Femme Fluid Demigirl.
A picture of a tattoo, with a Transfeminine symbol combined with the Demigirl symbol in the colors of the Transfeminine Pride flag. My left arm.
My 'full' gender identity is included in my list of all my identities: I'm a Queer Polyamorous Pansexual Nonbinary GenderQueer GenderFluid Transfeminine Demigirl Dyke, a GenXer, a geek, a rivethead/punk riot grrrl, and an intersectional socialist feminist.
It's been a lifelong journey getting to this point, I suppose, although once I discovered the language, things moved along quickly.
Image of a tattoo, the Trans symbol combined with the Nonbinary symbol, colored in the GenderFluid Pride flag colors. My right arm.
I have a history of Queer activism, followed by many years of quiescence. When I was 19 (1989), I realized that I was bisexual. I was fairly active on a bi listserv, and got to know other bi people, mostly of college age. I moved to Boston in 1990, where I became active in the Boston Bisexual Men's Network, ACT-UP, and Queer Nation. I went to Pride in Boston, New York, and a few times in DC when I moved back to the DC area (where I grew up).
All my political activism other than the occasional march against the Iraq war went dormant until the Trump era. The very first political thing I did after about 15 years was going to the Trump Tower DC the night after the election. I've since become much more active. (That's not what this story is about; just giving a little background).
In December 2017 and January 2018 I was dating a trans woman. She was not the first trans person that I had known personally. I met my first transsexual woman in 1990, and my first trans man around 2001. But she was the one I actually got to know, and the one who got me interested in researching gender identity. So, in January 2018, I was exposed to many words and definitions that I'd never heard (or at least, hadn’t paid attention to) before. That's when I learned that nonbinary was a thing.
Over the next few months, probably every article, and many of the personal accounts that I read were causing old memories to resurface, and often, bells ringing in my head.
One of the strongest memories that resurfaced and became powerful mental imagery was from when I was about 21.5, bi male-identified, dating a bi woman. We were both writers, and discussed working on a story together, where the main characters were a polyamorous M/F couple who were both telepaths. They could be in each other’s heads when their partner was with another lover, feeling the senations they felt. They could 'switch' bodies (temporarily) when they were having sex together, actually taking their partner’s role and being able to do the penetration/be penetrated.
But as far as I knew, only binary genders existed. I was also operating under the cissexist assumption that genitals determined gender.
I knew that (at least most of the time) I liked my penis, so while I would most definitely like to experience what a vagina felt like, I didn’t want to “trade in” what I had. So, I couldn’t be transsexual.
There were many memories that came back to me from childhood, like: having more girls as friends than boys, liking to play dress up with the girls, not being the slightest bit comfortable with the roughhousing that boys would do, and experiencing bullying because I didn't act “male enough.”
This (along with academic achievement) actually led to me going to a small private school, which provided a good education, but not the most common type of socialization. In college I realized that, in my social development, I was several years behind folks who had a more traditional high school experience. But it was a good experience, and helped give me the tools that I needed to ask why, and to research things for myself later in life.
The author at an Warped Tour concert, wearing a tank top that says "Trans Punks * Smash the Cis-tem" surrounding the transfeminist symbol. Photo by Emily Bulen.
By May 2018, I realized that nonbinary was an accurate description of how I experienced a gendered world. I embraced a nonbinary identity, and began using they/them pronouns.
Facebook discussion groups became more important than articles for further education, although I was still reading quite a lot. In June I had begun painting my nails like the nonbinary flag, and occasionally wearing a skirt. By July, right around my birthday, I added “GenderQueer” to my identity. In August, I found a local consent-focused play party for queer and trans people, and thought that would be a very cool thing to go to. It became a regular thing. I embraced both the positive energy, and seeing bodies of all shapes and sizes celebrated as being sexy.
Sometime that summer I learned the definition of trans, that nonbinary was definitely under that umbrella, that no physical transition was required, and that it simply meant that your gender identity did not match the sex you were assigned at birth.
During August and September, I discovered that I enjoyed being femme, wearing makeup and skirts more, but that I sometimes still felt masc, and added “GenderFluid” to my identity.
I kept reading and learning. I found the website gender.wikia.org, and began reading about individual genders, trying to drill down further into where my gender might be. I discovered that “demigirl” felt the most 'right' to me, and added that to my list of identities.
By August, I’d learned that for federal employees, in addition to sexual orientation, gender identity and expression were protected classes. So, I came out as nonbinary, used they/them pronouns with my team, and included my pronouns in my email signature.
Since identifying as nonbinary in May 2018, I’ve had experiences of gender euphoria, which became more intense when I added “Demigirl” to my identity in December 2018. I then made the decision to transition, and added “Transfeminine” in January 2019.
While I was on furlough I made the decision to go on HRT and socially transition to being Femme presenting. I made an appointment at a DC clinic, had the informed consent/what to expect discussion, and began HRT in February. I began the process of getting my name and gender marker changed, which is now finally complete.
It’s now been 23 weeks, and I’ve experienced almost constant gender euphoria.
Being misgendered happens most often on the phone. Testosterone exposure gave my voice a low register. My voice is my biggest source of dysphoria; it's what I hate most about my body. I'm signed up to begin a voice clinic for trans folks in September, and I'm definitely looking forward to that.
I am definitely a trans advocate and activist now, and I try to help educate cis and questioning people, paying forward the help that was given to me during my education, discovery, and evolution process. I try to help work for the day when every American has the basic protections that I am privileged to have as a white federal employee, living in an urban area with a thriving Queer community.
#BlackTransLivesMatter
A red t-shirt that says "Black Trans Lives Matter"
