LGBTQIA
Do Parents Always React Negatively to Hearing Their Child Is Gay?
An observation of my mother’s reaction and feelings to my coming out
What does a parent go through when they learn that their child is gay? It never really occurred to me what my mom was experiencing when I came out to her. But it makes me wonder and think back to the shifting moment of truth.
As I slowly prompted my mother through selective childhood memories, her eyes froze when I stated matter-of-factly, “Mom, I’m gay.”
She barely even blinked. As if she was still processing what she heard and trying to match it with what she knew to be true. Or so she thought. The waitress walked over and asked if we were finished with our plates. “Thank you,” I responded as I helped pass the empty dishware to open hands.
Mom was staring off into the window, watching more guests enter the restaurant. Soft chatter filled the hanging conversations along with the occasional sound of clanging dishes and soft whistling in the distance.
“Mom, are you okay?” I offered to break the silence. This gesture caught her attention and brought her back into the conversation.
I could only guess what went through her mind. Even today, I still wonder what is going through her mind?
I wouldn’t say it was something to cheer about or even laugh with glee. It was more a somber type of feeling. One of loss, disappointment, or confusion. It's hard to explain. But mom seemed concerned. Deeply.
Did she likely wonder if the world would harm or hurt me? She, like most mothers, wanted what was best for her child. She could never fathom a life that attracted danger, hate, or even worse, a lost position in heaven. These were her words. I can’t deny her feelings or fears.
“Are you sure?” she retorted. I didn’t take offense.
I’m nearly 32 years old, so I had a long time to think about it. I don’t think this is going away. “Yes, Ma. I’m gay,” I responded.
Was it shock? Was she processing this sudden injection of striking news? A loss for words was an understatement.
As she locked eyes with me, I could see and feel how much she wanted to protect me at that moment. As if I were hanging over a cliff by the thread of my shirt, and she was not able to help. She did not know where to look for help — or even know that help existed.
My mother was broadsided, like a car rounding a blind spot. This moment seemingly came out of nowhere, any clues escaping her. It caught her off guard.
When I revealed who I was, this moment vanished the old paper machete version of me she believed to be. This was a shift. It was a fissure to her old understanding and beliefs: a distortion or a glitch. I could see her waiting, even holding her breath, as if to say, “Wait, this can not be. This is not real.” She was under panic.
I’m guessing a bit. But I read body language quite well. At this moment, she sat stiff, straight up with unfocused and darting eyes and occasional shallow breathing. It looked as if my mom was clamoring to hold on to the dissipating picture of perfection.
If she could just find the right syllables to utter something — a string of words to comfort, a pile of punctuations to sigh her disgust, a singular phrase that she was present…with me. But the growing fear and uncertainty kept her cautious. The fear grew.
As we gingerly zigged and zagged our way through the awkward dance of conversation, this new subject about my new identity was a shift for us both.
Not once did I second guess my mother’s love.
I knew she simply needed time.
I needed time.
For in this shift, we both would miraculously transform.
A new study, Effects of Family Demographics and the Passage of Time on Parents’ Difficulty with Their Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual Youth’s Sexual Orientation, conducted by researchers at George Washington University, found that most parents of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth have difficulty adjusting after their kids come out. This study also confirms that parents’ negative reactions tend to ease over time, with the first two years being the hardest. So, how do we ease the first two years?
Indigo Journey takes the challenge to ease these first two years to help parents of LGBT youth better negotiate this journey with their child. Parents will find a safe, supportive, and judgment-free environment of educational resources and small support groups geared to help you reconnect with your child.
Thank you for reading!
Shay D. Potter currently serves in the U.S. Army by day and devotes the evenings and weekends to writing, videography, and podcasting. Follow Shay on Instagram, Twitter, or YouTube. Shay is an up-and-coming podcaster of the new story podcast, Crack This ShXt Open! Listen today.
