How Will I Be a Parent as a Nonbinary Person?
Parenting seems hard enough when you’re cisgender.
From the time I was old enough to become pregnant, I knew that I didn’t want kids.
I have type 1 diabetes and celiac disease and depression and anxiety and autism and ADHD. Living with just one of those conditions is hell on earth, but all of them? My life can be downright miserable at times. And I sure as hell don’t want to take the risk of passing down even one of those conditions to an innocent child.
So, I came to the decision that I never wanted to be pregnant.
But did that necessarily mean I don’t want kids?
Because of my aversion to pregnancy, I defaulted to the idea of not wanting children. Not to mention, I’m not great with them. I’m pretty awkward around everybody, but especially tiny humans. I never quite know what to say or do in front of them.
My girlfriend, D, on the other hand, is a natural when it comes to kids. She always seems to know just what to say to engage them in conversation and keep them interested. Meanwhile, I’m always standing in the corner, awkwardly watching them.
Naturally, D wants to have kids. However, because she is a trans woman, she cannot physically bear children. As a result, she has mentioned adoption as a possible option for us, somewhere down the line.
I had been dead set on not having kids before, but D wants them so badly that she might just change my mind. She might convince me to adopt a couple of little ones. After we get married and buy a house, of course. At the moment, we don’t even live in the same state.
If I still identified as a cisgender woman, then I would likely have no problem with my adoptive kids calling me “Mommy.” But since I’ve realized that I’m actually nonbinary, I have no idea how I would want the little tykes to refer to me.
I have an aunt who’s a lesbian. She has been in a relationship with her partner, Penny, for longer than I have been alive. Twelve years ago, my aunt got pregnant via donor and gave birth to my baby cousin. That cousin calls my aunt “Mom” and Penny by her name. He always has.
I think I would probably do something similar with my children. D would probably want our kids to call her Mommy, and I would like to just be called Ellie.
I think I would be called my kid’s parent instead of their mother or father. Since I’m more masculine than my girlfriend, I suppose I would take on the role of the father figure. But I’m not a father, per se, because I’m not a man. I don’t really have a gender at all.
I heard one theory that posited that nonbinary parents could be called “Ren” or “Renny,” as in short for “parent.” I thought it was cute, but I think I would rather just be called by my name.
Of course, I don’t really need to be worrying about this right now. First, my girlfriend has to move down to physically be with me. With the coronavirus going on, that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen any time soon. And I want to get married before I have kids. That’s just a personal choice.
Parenting seems like a monumental enough task when you’re straight and cisgender and your gender roles are already sort of laid out for you. You already know what your children will call you and what things each of you will teach your kids to do, generally speaking. Since I’m in both a gay and a trans relationship, parenting seems incredibly daunting to me.
I just hope it’s worth it.
