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Living Amongst The Burnt Walls And Ashes
While not knowing whether to move or rebuild.
I awoke this morning to find a new Medium post from a lovely friend. Her post was about her realization that she, like her ex-wife, is a trans-widow. Both she and her ex-wife have had to grieve the loss of their marriage. Her wife and their two young adult children are not the only casualties. Coming to terms with being trans and finally giving in to the inevitability of having to live your true identity at the cost of ending a marriage and breaking up a family is not an easy road to travel. There will be collateral damage, and much of the blame will fall on the trans person who needs to transition to have a chance to live a better life.
The trans person, like the cheating spouse, will always be at fault. Unlike the cheating spouse, the trans person didn’t have much choice. Both people in the marriage have the right to be happy; one shouldn’t have to give up their happiness for the sake of the marriage. Of course, that doesn’t stop people from trying to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children or the illness of a spouse. We tend to appreciate and give emotional rewards to people who sacrifice their happiness for the sake of their children or their spouse’s illness. Never mind the toll it takes on everybody in the family.
My spouse and I are legally married and still live together. I told her I was trans on our third date back in 2001. When we decided to get married in 2003, we agreed that if I ever decided to transition, the marriage would be over. Back in 2003, transition was not in my future, or so I thought. At the time, I thought being trans was one part of who I was, a part I could express and control. By 2017 there was no denying that being trans was not a part of who I am but who I am. I knew transitioning meant ending the marriage.
Telling her that Sunday morning in April 2017 that I would be transitioning was the spark that lit the flame that would burn down this house we called our marriage. It took months for the fire to burn out; it seemed like a new fire ignited daily. We lived amongst the burnt walls and ashes for the first couple of years, not knowing whether to move or rebuild.
