Out of the Closet: Living Large and Transgender In Public
You’ve only got this one life, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. What are you waiting for?
“Stepping out into a public place can be humiliating, just knowing yourself that most people observing you will notice that you are really a man and not a cis woman.”
That’s an excerpt from a post I recently read, written by a member of my transgender support group, the River City Gems. It’s referencing the difficulty that emerging transwomen sometimes have with going out in public, dressed in femme mode, and presenting as women.
I’d like to contribute my somewhat different opinion on this observation, a point of view derived from having lived full-time as a transwoman since June 2016.
It’s actually been a little longer than that. I started shopping for groceries, clothes, and going to movies and restaurants in full femme mode in March 2016, right after the River City Gems “Femme Friday” dinner that month.
I left that event wearing a knit skirt, a very pretty, lace-trimmed purple and lavender knit blouse, 3" espadrille wedge sandals, and a medium length wig. On the way home, I stopped at a Wal-Mart and spent two hours wandering the store, so deep in the “Pink Fog” — that feeling of euphoric happiness that many newly emerging transwomen exist in — that it’s amazing I didn’t drown.
This was my first time alone in public, en femme, and no one looked askance at me. At checkout, the cashier actually complimented my nails, which I had just had done — a full set of acrylics — that afternoon.
If you read my last piece, “Do you feel Gay?”, you might know that I am in no way “passable.” I’m 6'-2" tall in flats, I weigh 300 pounds, and I have an unmistakably male baritone voice. There’s nothing I can really do to change any of my physical attributes (except that I could lose the excess weight, of course). But I would still be too tall, too broad-shouldered, and just overall too “bulky” to ever pass as a born-female woman.
Yet, I still live every day as I am. I have to interact with strangers at every turn, every time I go anywhere or do anything in public. Knowing how big I am and how rough I look (see the recent photo of me at the end), it’s hard for me to believe, but I hardly ever get misgendered. And when I do, it’s usually by someone with an obviously foreign accent, which leads me to assume they’re from a country or culture in which gender pronouns are different, or not as clearly defined as they are in American English. Anyway, when I do get misgendered under these circumstances, it usually doesn’t feel malicious or transphobic.
The point I am trying to make is that I disagree somewhat with the statement quoted above, in that I don’t think most strangers observing me are clocking me as trans, or as a “man in a dress.” Even when I do get read as trans by random strangers, they seem more likely to either ignore the fact that I am transgender, or to see it as being irrelevant. I think most people (at least adults) are far too busy with their own concerns to bother with harassing strangers — even transgender ones.
In these three years that I have been living full-time as a transwoman, every time that I have been clocked and approached, it has been to share something nice; often, they have a family member or friend who is trans, or I get complimented on my nails or my outfit, or they ask where I bought my handbag.
These are positive interactions, in other words. They are not sneers, ugly laughs, or transphobic insults or threats.
In three years of living “out,” I have been laughed at once by a teenage girl in a grocery store, and glared at once by an elderly woman in a shopping mall — I assume she clocked me and didn’t like it that I am transgender. Or maybe she thought I was a “man in a dress.” That’s it, just two bad experiences out of many hundreds of interactions with people I encountered who didn’t know me.
Men hold doors open for me, I’m usually addressed as “ma’am”, and when I drop in at Lane Bryant or Torrid to look at the latest offerings, I get treated exactly the same as any other customer. In fact, sometimes I get the impression that the sales associates at these stores are in fact clocking me as trans, and that they’re actively going out of their way to make me feel extra-welcome in their stores.
I’ve often thought that maybe employees of these stores receive diversity training. Or, maybe it’s just that women in general are better able to accept the validity of LGBTQ community members — transwomen, in particular — than are men, for various reasons of culture and human nature.
I’ve been saying this for years, but it bears repeating: you don’t have to be afraid to go out in public presenting as a transwoman. At least here, in Sacramento, California, it’s safe enough. I wouldn’t do something patently stupid like shoving my way into a biker bar and shouting “Hey! I’m transgender! Anyone here got an issue with that?” But I’ve found that if you just dress conservatively, and in age-appropriate fashion, you can have a wonderful time being trans-femme in public.
“I stopped at a Wal-Mart and spent two hours wandering the store, so deep in the ‘Pink Fog’ — that feeling of euphoric happiness that many newly emerging transwomen exist in — that it’s amazing I didn’t drown.”
That said, if you’re going out in public en femme, and you’re trying to avoid being clocked, then I do suggest the following:
1. Shave off (or cover up) obvious body hair.
You can’t go out en femme, in public, with your arms and legs looking like you borrowed them from a grizzly bear, and a forest of chest hair peeking up through the neckline of your clothing, and expect this to be ignored. If you have a lot of arm hair, you should at least wear long sleeves. I’m aware of the fact that, for many of you, shaving off your body hair is not something you can do, for a variety of reasons, but you can at least make sure it isn’t showing.
2. If you’re past age 50, go easy on the makeup.
If you look around at random ciswomen, for example in a shopping mall, restaurant, or supermarket, you won’t see many older women wearing glam makeup. And especially not for something like a casual dinner, going to a movie, or grocery shopping. In doing your makeup, “less is more.” You want to look nice, but not “made up,” especially in daytime. This was one of the most difficult things I had to learn about being a woman, especially one going through a second puberty at age 60.
3. For heaven’s sake, if you are past age 50, or significantly overweight, please “just say no” to mini skirts, 7" heels, and fishnets.
If you wear a dress or a skirt, it should at least be knee-length, or mid-calf if you can stand to wear a skirt that long in this hot summer weather. Save your inner teenager for Halloween parties; you’ll attract less unwanted attention if you dress your age for going out to dinner, taking in a movie, or pushing a trolley around a grocery store.
4. If you wear breast forms, try for the middle ground on sizing them: a “C” cup.
Huge breast forms will draw a lot of attention to you, and you want to be as unremarkable as possible if you are trying to avoid being clocked. I rarely wear forms at all anymore, even though I am only an “A” cup, and I’m unlikely to ever grow any more breast tissue at my age, no matter how much estradiol I take. I hardly have any boobs at all, which is not typical for a woman with my body mass index, but I figure I am less noticeable this way than if I wore size 14 forms, which weigh nearly 9 pounds a pair and would give me a “D” cup size. Plus, it’s a lot more comfortable — silicone breast forms in summer weather are miserably hot and sweaty.
Also, beware of cheap silicone forms. They don’t hold up very well. If you paid less than about $170 for a pair of medium-size forms, you got poor-quality forms that will likely break down in less than 3 years, even with only occasional wear on weekends.
The best quality breast forms I’ve ever owned are from Amoena. They are mastectomy forms for breast cancer patients, and while they are very expensive, you get forms that will hold up to daily wear for many years.
5. Avoid overly long or unnaturally “bright” colored wigs.
They draw attention to you. Most women over age 50 wear their hair no more than shoulder length. Save the long, beautiful hair for major holiday events or parties. If your wig says “age 25” but a close look at your face or hands says “age 60,” you’re going to get clocked if you haven’t already been.
Here’s another tip: spend the bucks and get real human hair. It is much easier to care for than Kanekelon acrylic fiber, and it can be shampooed and conditioned with the same products you use on your own hair. It also doesn’t kink as badly when you comb it out. You’ll pay 2 to 3 times more than you will for a synthetic wig, but you’ll find it much easier to care for and keep in good condition.
6. Less jewelry is better than a lot.
If you should happen to fall into a swimming pool, you probably don’t want to be so loaded down with necklaces and bracelets that you get dragged to the bottom and drowned.
7. Most important of all: Attitude.
You must believe in yourself, own who you are as a transgender woman, and project for all the world to see that you have every right to be out in public en femme.
It is my personal belief that, whether you are part-time, as are most of my transwomen friends in the River City Gems, or full-time like myself, we are all equally transgender women. I can’t figure any other explanation for why we all do what we do, i.e., go out in public en femme, march in Trans parades, attend Pride festivals.
Considering the relentless social pressure that is placed on male children and teenagers in our society to “man up,” ask yourself: what force could drive a guy to go out in public dressed in women’s clothing, a long wig, makeup and breast forms, and to go by a woman’s name?
That force has a name: gender dysphoria. And it’s powerful enough to drive about 45% of trans kids that are in unsupportive families to attempt suicide at some point in their lives.
If you are AMAB (assigned male at birth) but identity as female, I submit that there is something in every one of us, an “inner girl” if you will, that has been crying for release since we were kids. She will never go away on her own, at least not permanently. There’s no medicine you can take to erase gender dysphoria, except for the estrogen and testosterone blockers, and the components of hormone replacement therapy that most transgender women will eventually undergo.
So own yourself! Own your trans-ness fully, and be happy with who you are. Put on your “girl” clothes and go out to lunch at a favorite restaurant, then head for the mall and browse to your heart’s content. Go to Lane Bryant and ask for a bra fitting. The sales associate is probably going to know you’re trans, and she won’t care! She will respect that you are in her store asking for help, and she will respect you for having the courage to be there. Go into Torrid, pick out a cute bathing suit and try it on. At 5:00pm, head for a restaurant and have dinner, and you’ll still have time to take in a movie afterwards.
If you are too apprehensive to try this yourself, alone, then put together a GNO, and go out with some friends.
“There is something in every one of us, an ‘inner girl’ if you will, that has been crying for release since we were kids. She will never go away on her own, at least not permanently.
Owning yourself means accepting that your identity as a transwoman is just as valid as that of any ciswoman who was born “assigned female.” Your womanhood is just as valid, even if you are part-time and you can only release your inner girl for few hours a month. Owning and accepting this will induce the change in attitude I’m talking about here: you will cease being apprehensive, feeling “guilty,” or thinking that everyone else in the place is staring at you.
I have news for you: no one is looking at you, except for maybe some small children; I have actually been asked a couple of times by curious 4-year-olds “are you a boy or a girl?” I always answer “I’m a girl, but I have a deep voice, and I’m taller than most other girls.” At age 4, kids aren’t usually ready to absorb the more truthful — but vastly more complicated — details of who transgender women actually are, and how we got to be the way we are.
Anyway, I digress, so back to owning yourself:
You’ll relax and enjoy your girl time more fully, and you’ll have a lot more fun. You’ll walk tall and proud to be who you are. You’ll actively seek out store clerks, and ask for that bra fitting, with a sparkle in your eye and a smile of happy anticipation on your face. You will come to regard nail salon appointments as all-too-brief periods of ultimate relaxation and fun, even if you can only indulge in them a couple times a year.
You have absolutely no obligation to feel guilty, or imagine yourself to be an object of ridicule when you go out in public presenting as a woman. I submit that “transwomen are women, full stop.”
A lot of people would argue with me on this point, especially if the disagreement involves part-time vs full-time life, or having gender re-assignment surgery vs no surgery, but I believe that whatever it was that led us all to expressing in accordance with our gender identity in the first place is the same thing, whether an individual part-time cross-dresser does or does not eventually transition to full-time and legally change name and gender.
For some of us, our gender dysphoria was more severe than for others. If our circumstances allowed it, we transitioned, especially when that was the only thing we could do to find peace and happiness in our lives. Most part-time cross-dressers won’t ever be driven to transition. For some, having deep emotional support from their spouses and other family members is enough.
But that all of us in the trans-femme community are “transwomen” (or bi-gender in the case of a few of us), and that we are all here because of medically diagnosable gender dysphoria, I have no doubt. We are not crazy. We are not transgender because we were bored with our lives as men and were looking for a “lifestyle” change.
Your happiness is important, and it affects every aspect of your life. Unhappy people suffer more illnesses, are less productive at work, their marriages don’t work as well as they might, and their kids suffer, too. In this one aspect of your life — your gender identity — I am trying to put it out there that you don’t have to be unhappy. You can indulge your inner girl out in public a few hours a month, safely, even if you are not considering full-time transition.
We are not crazy. We are not transgender because we were bored with our lives as men and were looking for a “lifestyle” change.
You’ve only got this one life, and if for some unknown reason your body anatomy, your spirit, and your gender identity don’t all synchronize “perfectly,” that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It isn’t “your fault” or “your choice” that you were born transgender, and no one should want you to have to suffer for it.
I think that in some ways, being transgender is an extraordinary gift; born as males, we are being given a glimpse into both the external and internal lives of “the other half.” So be yourself in joy.
If being a transwoman is to have a soul made from a framework of rats and snails and puppy-dog tails, layered with an admixture of sugar, spice, and everything nice, like sheetrock on the 2x4’s in the walls of your house, then so be it. Live in joy however you can, and take pride in being fully who you are, in every aspect of your life. (And by all means, try on a really cute one-piece women’s bathing suit sometime, if you haven’t already; they feel really nice!)
Hugs!
Laura-Ann Charlot
Sacramento, CA
Laura-Ann Charlot (she, her) is a retired civil engineering and land survey technician, a native Californian, a transgender woman, a proud parent, and an SJW when need be.
