LGBTQIA
Sebastian Walks: The Voice Has A Name #001
A mini-story about a gender-fluid girl, named JaQ, who discovers their voice.
A mini-story about a gender-fluid girl, named JaQ, who discovers their dominant voice — Sebastian. Each story starts with a question and sometimes ends with an answer.
01 — The Voice Has A Name
JaQ’s submissive voice: Were you always there, inside, as a part of me?
My days seem more straightforward before I noticed you in those early days, where I could just — be. Maybe, you were always there, and we co-existed. Were you? But somehow, I began to notice you and attributed my unhappiness to you suddenly. That’s when things got hard. I became disconnected — off-balance, offbeat, off…just off.
Things became complicated. Even disorienting. So, you do understand, right? Why I did what I did? Why I left you. I purposely hid you. It was just easier to erase — you know.
I was the one my parents praised. Not you! You were the reason the kids, my friends,…the church bullied and shamed me. I hated you for that because I had to endure it all. Not you! You never felt what it was like when they vomited their hurtful words about, like a bludgeoning device, cracking my spirit. They called you an abomination. And, I wasn’t going to hell for you.
So you had to go.
When I let you play freely, the onslaught of stares and hushed murmurs soon emerged. I hated the kind of attention you attracted; too intense. Your play always made me feel devious. Shameful. So I ran from you. Far…away. I erased your influence and imprints from my behavior codes. I methodically suppressed your movement in me.
For years, I forgot about you.
I guess I pissed you off. One day, out of nowhere, I felt you running back in my life. This time you forcefully wielded your strength. The new force of your presence, in me, compelled me to strip clean of the opaque masks and fake put-ons, I juggled for so many years.
We argued. We shouted. We wrestled.
Who will stand forward in the light?
Who will be the rightful face of my agency? My free will. My thoughts. My voice.
We tugged until I was no longer able to hold on.
Until the clothes, the makeup, the hair, and stress of it all fell off my frame on to the ground.
I stood naked.
As you — Sebastian.
As all of me.
Thanks for reading.
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Shay lives in Virginia Beach. She currently serves in the U.S. Army by day and devotes the evenings and weekends to writing, videography, and podcasting. Shay is also a fitness addict and loves spending time with family.
