Stop Asking Trans People If They’ve Had “The Surgery”
Trans folks don’t need to undergo medical procedures in order to be valid.
A few years before I fully realized I was trans, a close friend of mine came out as trans. We were twenty at the time, and I had known her as a “guy” since middle school.
Of course, it took a while to adjust to her new name and pronouns, but she was still the same person at heart. She didn’t even look that different from before, with the exception that she now had long hair and had developed breasts as a result of being on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for several months.
Still, before I invited her over for my birthday party, I thought I would let my parents know about the change, just so they didn’t accidentally say or do anything offensive.
My parents are generally supportive of LGBTQ+ folks, so they took it pretty well when I told them that one of my longtime “guy” friends was actually a girl.
Or, at least, my mom did. My dad, however, immediately asked, “Has she had the surgery?” To me, it seemed as though he asked this question as a kind of qualifier. As if someone was not really trans unless they had had The Surgery.
At the time, I knew that this question was problematic, but I couldn’t quite articulate how. I just mentioned the basics of how HRT had given my friend breasts, but she didn’t have the money for any surgeries at the moment. He let it be and has since been supportive of my friend and of trans people in general.
However, something about the fact that that question was the first one that popped into his mind upon learning a person he knew was trans rubbed me the wrong way. Five years later, I think I know why.
First things first, asking a trans person if they’ve had “The Surgery” is just factually incorrect.
As trans activist, writer, and YouTuber Jackson Bird said in his wonderful Ted Talk, “How to talk (and listen) to transgender people,”
Now, listen, if there were one magical surgery that could turn me into a tall, muscular, societally perfect image of a man overnight, I’d sign up in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple. There are dozens of different gender-affirming surgeries, from chest surgeries to bottom surgeries to facial feminization and man-sculpting. Many trans people will only ever undergo one procedure in their lifetime, if that.
There is no singular gender-affirming surgery that trans people get. We may decide to undergo procedures on various areas of our bodies, depending on the type of appearance we’d like to have, as well as our financial situations.
As much as I’d like to go under the knife and wake up a couple of hours later with a flat chest, broad shoulders, and another six inches of height, that’s not how gender-affirming surgeries work. That’s not how transitioning works. It’s calling transitioning because the very definition of the word evokes a gradual process, not an instantaneous change.
The question of whether trans people have had “The Surgery” also comes across as rather personal simply due to the nature of said surgeries. They’re typically performed on areas of the body that only a romantic or sexual partner would see, making them invasive by their very nature.
Think of it this way — If I’d recently gotten a root canal, I wouldn’t be offended if you were to ask me how my procedure went. My tooth is not a personal, private body part. In fact, anyone who sees my smile can also see my tooth.
But if I were to have surgery on a part of my body that only my partner would normally see, I feel as if the only people who should know the details of that surgery would be me, my partner, and my doctor.
This line of questioning just feels deeply personal, invasive, and downright rude. Typically, these are questions that no one would ever ask a cis person.
Asking someone you don’t know very well about a surgery they had on a private part of their body is weird at best and violating at worst. If they’re a close friend, partner, or maybe even a family member, sure. They might be okay with that. But it’s best to err on the side of not asking at all rather than asking too much.
Lastly (and possibly most importantly), the answer to the question of whether a trans person has had “The Surgery” does not affect whether they’re “actually trans.”
Yes, many trans people suffer from gender dysphoria and wish to surgically alter parts of themselves to change how others perceive them. For instance, I want to get top surgery to achieve a flat chest, as my breasts are often the main aspect of myself that immediately gives away the fact that I was assigned female at birth.
I recognize that it’s going to be difficult for me, though. I highly doubt that my health insurance will cover any portion of the procedure. I have type 1 diabetes, which can make surgery riskier for me than for many other people.
That said, I know it’s something I want to do. Something I need to do in order to live a truly happy life where I’m not viewed as someone I’m not.
However, just because I want to undergo gender-affirming surgery doesn’t mean every single trans person does as well.
Plenty of trans folks never plan on having surgery. Again, financial or medical restrictions can make it difficult, or even impossible.
But the point I really want to hammer home is this — trans people don’t need to have a single surgery, or even undergo HRT, in order to be valid.
We’re trans whether or not we decide to go under the knife. We’re trans whether or not we take hormones. We’re trans whether or not we change our legal names and gender markers, update our wardrobes, or even come out to a single person.
Surgery does not make anyone trans. The only thing that makes a person trans is if they identify as a different gender than the one assigned to them at birth.
All that to say, stop asking trans people if we’ve had “The Surgery.” It’s none of your business, and even if it were, it doesn't make us any more or less trans.
