The “Indoctrination” of a Trans Child
We are stewards, teaching our children how to find ways to be authentic, safe, and happy in a world that has forgotten how to truly live.
As an affirming parent of a younger trans child, I have often heard opponents of trans rights offer the misinformed hypothesis that we as parents have somehow manufactured our child’s trans identity — that we have pushed an agenda or indoctrinated our child to believe they are something they are not.
My husband and I have always laughed at these accusations — they are so far from what is true for our family. But it is true, we share specific values with our child that allowed her to tell us from a very young age that she felt she was trans. I shared these values purposely, so you could even call it an agenda.
Here are some of those scary values I indoctrinated into my child:
You were perfectly created by the Divine. Nothing about you is a mistake.
Whatever you believe for your spirituality is deeply personal and your choice. But whoever that Divine is — whether it is Goddess, God, Universe, or just nature — you are EXACTLY as you should be. Who you are is meant to serve a purpose in this world and if you do not accept who you are (no matter what it means), you cannot fulfill this important purpose. Too many adults walk around trying to be something that they are not and they are miserable. We want you to be happy and fulfilled because this is YOUR life.
Listen to your feelings and reactions to things — those messages are the wisdom in your body telling you who you are.
As we grew older, we learned to block and disengage from feelings that did not align with other people’s expectations. When you block a feeling, it only becomes stronger and often leads to physical and mental health problems over time. We want you to be as physically and mentally healthy as possible.
You never need to pretend to be something you are not with your parents. We love you as you are.
We grew up wearing masks, pretending to be things we were not to avoid the disappointment and/or fear in our parents’ eyes or overt societal punishment. Wearing those masks over time causes you to fracture and to forget who you truly are.
Your body is yours — no one gets to force you to do anything that you do not wish to do with your body.
Consent is important. We grew up in a society that did not respect people’s different boundaries or normalize that people cannot just use you or your body as they wish without permission. That has led to many problems in our society — particularly for women. We respect the sanctity of your consent and teach you to respect others’ consent and boundaries as well.
What you wear and how you dress should feel good to you.
Clothing and expression are such a sacred way of expressing what is in your heart, soul, and mind. We do not decide what that looks like for you — you do.
A penis, vagina, and all genitals are simply body parts that should not carry any more shame or stigma than an elbow or knee. It is simply part of you.
No one can determine who you are based upon your genitals — that idea is simply ludicrous. Your body should carry no shame — your body and everything about it are sacred.
Your voice is important to us — tell us how you feel and what you think…often.
We grew up not being seen or heard — our parents’ generation valued quiet, compliant children and did not think that children were truly smart or could even know themselves. We know that is not true.
We would rather you tell us the truth, even if you think it will get you into trouble. In fact, telling us the truth will ensure you WON’T get into trouble.
We grew up being adept at telling lies because many of the adults in our lives did not always want to hear the truth. We want to hear your truth always.
If we make a mistake and assume something that is not true, tell us.
We grew up thinking we needed to be perfect. We never wanted to face mistakes we made, which impaired our ability to learn — mistakes are an important part of learning and everyone makes mistakes.
If you think that mommy and daddy are acting not in line with our values, tell us.
We will talk about it and you may be right! We do not always realize how we have internalized harmful values from our childhood. Our parents always acted as if they knew the “right” way to do things, but life is much more complex than that. What is right for one person, can be wrong for another.
Being different is not a curse, it is a blessing.
We are all “different” in some way — diversity is important for humanity’s survival — even if our current society tries to make us all fit into the same boxes. We are stronger together, as we are.
You may be misunderstood and shamed for being different — that is not your fault; it is society’s shame.
We always want you to respect others’ boundaries, but we never want you to change who you are to make someone else more comfortable or happy — and that includes us, as your parents.
Being yourself in this world is HARD, sometimes dangerous, and that can get in your head and in your heart. The way that we have found to keep ourselves authentic in a world that does not celebrate our differences is to find your group of weirdos that will love you unconditionally and remind you not to compromise yourself for the benefit of others who do not even truly love you. Keep those fabulous people with you in spaces where you may not be as safe, and remember you are always safe with us — even when the world is not.
So, if you are reading this because you feel that something I did led to my child being trans, I want to ask you this — which value did you teach your children differently and why? What did you communicate to your child about how free they really are to express to you things you may not wish to hear?
Our values and parenting practices are about letting our children freely express to us what they are experiencing and who they are. One child has told us that they are trans, and our other has been able to embrace their high sensitivity. If our “indoctrination” led them to be something specific, then they should both be the same. But, those identities are just the tip of a very large iceberg — our children share their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to everything — and they are vastly different from each other.
We do not own our children, their minds, or their bodies. We do not force our will or anyone else’s on them. We are stewards — teaching them how the world works and how to find ways to be authentic, safe, and happy in our world that has forgotten how to truly live. We will not now, nor will we ever, prescribe for them who they should be, manipulate them, or shame them to be more palatable for us or anyone else. And that is and always will be our agenda.
