TikTok Helped Me Discover My Gender Identity
And it’s the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt
I used to be one of those people who called themselves super skeptical. I was supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but I wasn’t a big fan of all those “made-up” gender identities. I knew I was a straight woman, and that was enough. Or so I thought.
Then, I turned 15 and started questioning my sexuality. I don’t know what caused it, but I did know that being straight was not who I was. Once I figured out I was bisexual, the next crisis started: gender. Suddenly, I realized that I’d been dressing tomboy-ish a lot, and thought that maybe, just maybe, I could be genderfluid. I only let a close friend know and experimented a bit with clothing and names till I decided that I was a cis woman after all.
Over the years, I got to know a lot of interesting people. When I started studying Philosophy in 2017, the majority of my class was queer, and I learned so many things about preferences, identities, and anarchist points of view. Somehow, those are always connected. I also met my now-fiancé who, coincidentally, is a cis straight white man.
Before diving deeper into the story, I think I must let you know that I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health ever since I turned 16. From a doctor that didn’t take me seriously because I was “just a teen” to an anxiety and depression diagnosis to alexithymia and autism. One of the things I had issues with was allowing myself to splurge on clothes I liked, so I mainly wore basic colours, basic items, etc. I was afraid of judgment from others, especially from my family, so I tried to be the “perfect” girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, friend, anyone. I have 4 small tattoos, but it gave me so much stress when I got them. These are all things that affected my personal growth.
Fast forward to 2020: I’m 22 years old and just downloaded TikTok after seeing a lot of the app’s videos online. I wasn’t aware that the algorithm showed you content based on your interests/likes, so I was quite surprised when I ended up in the non-binary part of the app.
My mental health has its ups and downs, and I found that mindlessly scrolling through videos on TikTok helped me calm down and prevent a meltdown. So, that’s what I did every day. Not for hours, just a few short moments whenever I found the time. And something started growing inside of me. However, I wasn’t aware of what it was yet.
I saw videos of people wearing amazing goth and alternative clothes I dreamt of when I was a young teen. I saw people in gorgeous dresses with brightly coloured hair, laying in a meadow. I saw people talking about the struggles they had with their mental health, and I found so much comfort in knowing that I was not alone.
A little while later, I talked to my therapist about wanting to be authentic, but being afraid of judgment. I didn’t even know what my style was; I just wanted to experiment. She asked me what I would regret more at age 99, doing whatever I thought was expected of me, or choosing to be authentic and living the life I wanted. I answered that I would regret not being myself, and she encouraged me to do that.
At first, I went shopping like crazy. Buying as many alternative clothing items and shoes as I could afford. I wanted a few tattoos too, but since the pandemic was (and is) still going strong, I decided to wait for a safer moment. The sudden change in my life came with a negative side-effect, though: I had meltdowns. So many meltdowns. I felt lost and liberated at the same time, or, as my therapist likes to call it: I hit my “second puberty.”
Somewhere during those weeks, I had a dream where I told my partner I was non-binary. Not having expected this random dream, I told my fiancé about it, and we laughed, joking about how TikTok was getting to me. But it actually was. I recognized myself in the videos made by non-binary people, and I felt comforted, seeing how their followers used the pronouns those people preferred.
That dream caused me to question my gender and sexuality all over again. I thought I’d always felt comfortable being a woman, but the more I thought about it, the more unsure I became. In the meantime, I was still figuring out my style, and I made a big decision: I cut off my hair.
I had wanted this ever since I was a teen but never dared to do it in fear of looking weird. But this was the right time, so I did it. Together with my best friend, we went to a hairdresser I like, and I asked him for a short cut. He LOVED the idea but kept making sure throughout the session if I actually wanted it. In the end, the results were amazing, but they did something else as well.
Having such an androgynous haircut only made things clearer for me: I am non-binary. The first week after the cut, my partner remarked that I looked so happy and confident. I got comments on my Instagram from people telling me I looked so happy, even my grandparents adored the new style. I think it took me about a week to a week and a half before I came out to my partner, to which he replied that he would start calling me his partner from now on, rather than calling me his girlfriend.
The reason I never questioned my gender was that I never felt much dysphoria, a sign I thought people had to have in order to question their gender. However, I learned that isn’t necessary. I love my breasts, my hips, and my butt, but I also love my defined back muscles, my strong arms, and my deep-set eyes. I do not identify with feeling masculine, but I do not feel comfortable calling myself a woman either. Some days I feel more androgynous than others, and other days I feel hyper-feminine, and that’s okay.
I currently go by she/they pronouns, but that may change in the future. My Twitter friends, real-life friends, my sister and my partner know I’m an enby, but seeing as I post most of my published works on Facebook and LinkedIn, my family will soon know, too.
I feel more comfortable expressing myself, my preferences, and my ideals. I still have a fear of being judged, but I choose to ignore that and focus on what I want (only after having thought it through!). I’m glad I’ve learned so much, and that I have the environment in which I can experiment with my gender identity freely. It’s given me a boost in my confidence, and it’s helping me grow every day. I’m very thankful for that.
I’d hope that if my younger self could see me now, they would let go of the restricted “made-up gender” views, and embrace who they are and who they want to be. It would be so enriching.
