Don’t Pretend Your Pronouns Don’t Matter
Societal generalizations and stereotypes hurt people. When we cease to see the person in front of us as they are, and see them solely as a projection of a sociological category, we are not honoring their wholeness. This idea is related to Harry Hay’s concept of subject-subject consciousness, in which we relate to others as the shifting, evolving being that we are. If you refuse to see me other than an American, or queer, or white, then you will engage with me purely as a combination of your ideas about those socially constructed categories and some more specific details that you might glean from a conversation with me.
Our culture is undeniably heteronormative, and even moreso, cisnormative. Cisnormativity is the erasure of the spectrum of gender identity undeniable in humans. The gender binary, and its enforcement, is the direct manifestation of that which exists strongly in the English language, Romance languages, and many others. It is ingrained in the very fabric of socializing children and the utilization and occupation of public spaces (think clothing stores, public bathrooms, toy stores, driver licenses.) The society at large puts us on 1 of 2 tracks of identity depending on what a doctor assigns us at birth. Most people don’t question this male versus female track, but many of us do. And, many of us recognize that this boy or girl track was never a shoe that fully fit. For me, this comparison of how misogynist and cisnormative the late 20th century conception of an Italian American man/boy should/is supposed to be — and who I really am. And who I have always been.
The idea of the penis and its use and symbology represents the enforcement of behavioral norms that are not representative of the inner experience of all (if any) penis bearers. Because just because I have a penis, does not mean I am a man. And likewise, not all men have penises. It was this society that labeled me that — but I never did, at least until I realized there was an alternative. My preferred gender pronouns, my genders, fall outside of male. And sometimes, when it’s necessary, a male-feeling energy moves through my body, and drives my action. It’s vital and worthy of acknowledgement but it’s not dominant. In me, the feminine, the mother spirit, rules.
When I meet you for the first time, I find it important you allow the space for this to be a possibility. That I can occupy femininity and masculinity and ‘other’ with my single body. And that I value your acknowledgment of them, communicated through respecting my pronouns. Your intention may not be overtly aggressive, but by dismissing the importance of stating your pronoun you are communicating that acknowledgment of gender does not matter. It is aggressive for you to belittle or minimize personal gender pronouns, stating that to you, it doesn’t matter.
Maybe for you, your gender is not a common point of process and review. Maybe for you, the laws of gender don’t influence you in any way. But, even this I doubt.. And maybe this is the way you enter the conversation. Denying the importance of the question, “what are your pronouns?” and giving a flippant answer reinforces cisnormativity more so than cis identifying people clearly and respectfully stating their preferred gender pronouns. So next time, don’t pretend your pronouns don’t matter. Just answer the damn question.
