My gender identity

In which I sort of “come out” as genderqueer. Open minds and hearts, please.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And I’ve really come to terms with how I identify when it comes to gender. I’ve done a lot of reading on gender identities, as well as the very construct of gender. After spending a good amount of time thinking and searching within myself, I’ve finally been able to name my gender identity: I am genderqueer.

Now, if you don’t know what genderqueer is, I highly encourage you to read this and this. Google it if you’d like to read more about it, though these links should be pretty helpful. I’m not really going to define genderqueer on this post because I don’t feel that it’s necessary when you can easily do a quick search. I am, however, going to delve deeper into my gender identity and how I express and experience it.

I identify as genderqueer because the more I think about the gender binary, the more annoyed I get. I strongly dislike this binary in which many of us tend to falsely believe. I feel that thinking about gender in terms of binary is really restricting. There are so many stereotypes, roles, and expectations for males and females. In identifying as a male, I found myself pressured to meet these standards and norms. When buying clothing, I tended to focus on only men’s clothing. Sometimes I’d wear women’s clothing, but never really obviously, I guess you could say. While I put on a front of not caring about what people thought of me, but I still found myself thinking in this binary and trying to keep myself in the norms of what males should be. When wearing makeup, I’d keep it to a minimum because I didn’t really want to be judged for it. I wanted to still keep my “maleness.”

But once I really looked into myself, I realized that’s not what I want. That’s not who I am at all. I don’t feel that I really fit into the mold of “male.” I don’t like to restrict myself to being certain things based on how I experience gender. And that’s exactly what was happening before. I’m sick of it. While I’m aware that it’s possible to identify as a male while still breaking out of gender roles, I just don’t really feel like that’s me. I don’t identify with that as much. And I can’t say that I fully identify with an identity that is either male or female. It’s not possible for me. After really thinking about it, I’ve come to realize how much I really identify with being genderqueer.

If you follow me on Twitter, this should be of no shock to you. I’ve been tweeting my thought stream about it for a couple of days now and sort of thinking out loud on there. I’ve gotten nothing but love and support from the wonderful people on Twitter, and I am so grateful for that. So if you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, please know how much I appreciate you and your ongoing support. (And if you don’t follow me on Twitter you should)

Queering Gender

So, what does this really mean as far as who I am and how I act/present myself? Well, it doesn’t really change much to be honest. I’m really just coming to terms with who I am, and putting the correct label to it, for me at least. This is more comfortable to me. It makes more sense to me.

I’m not going to change much. My genderqueer is still pretty masculine, and I do “pass” as a male. However, I just don’t fully identify with being male. I refuse to stick to norms and expectations for being male. I’m going to present myself as I see fit. I’m not so worried about whether clothing and makeup is for men or women; I’m more worried about whether or not I think I look good in it and that’s what matters. I’m not trying to please anyone or be anyone but myself. So if I decide to wear makeup or “women’s” clothes one day, I will. Other days I may not. I will definitely mix them up. I’m just doing what makes me happy. I’m being myself, and not worrying about that defying my “male” appearance or identity.

In short, I’m just queering my own gender. I’ve identified as queer for a few months as my sexual orientation, but now that’s applying to my gender as well. This is who I am. This is what makes me happy. This is me. And I really hope that I am able to count on and receive the love and support of those close to me and those who claim to accept me. If not, that’s unfortunate. Those who do not accept me can leave my life. To quote my favorite singer, “I just wanna be free; I just wanna be me.” That’s exactly what I intend to do. And I don’t give a damn whether or not you’re comfortable with it.

That’s kind of my New Year’s resolution: become more comfortable with who I am and fully expressing it with no remorse. I intend to make 2014 the year I really show who I am, what I like, and how few fucks I give. I will do whatever makes me happy (without harming others through any kind of oppressive behavior, of course).

Happy New Year, everyone. I look forward to it.