How Theorizing helped me Described what Femininity Means to Me.
Before I started taking a gender theory class and learning about bell hooks, I was unconsciously doing something she did as a child.
Bell hooks would use theory to put her childhood pain away and while I cannot relate to having a childhood pain, I do relate to having pain. The pain comes from the definition of femininity that has been placed in society by the patriarchal structure that shapes pretty much everything.
When you look up the definition of femininity lots of pink, makeup, princesses, flowers, and high heels references come up. However to me that is only the patriarchal definition. A definition that was causing pain to me growing up.
Maybe as a little girl I was more of a tomboy because I didn’t really cared what society thought of me. Growing up; however, that changed. Dressing more “girly” and wearing makeup became a thing; I would even do my hair. And all this because I wanted to fit into the definition that our patriarchal society has for femininity.
If you ask me when did it all change for me and when did I decided that I needed a new definition for femininity I will answer you: “when I got to college.”It was when I realized that I had an opportunity to express myself however way I wanted that I started to do just that.
The word feminine comes from the Latin word “femina” which means female, so to me as long as my identifying pronoun is “she” I will be feminine (In my own definition, of course).
As a Latina, trying to attain your own definition of femininity can be quiet hard. Defying the stereotypes of womanhood is the first thing that most be tackled. The idea that women belong in the house because it is their duty to do the housework was long dead for me. Now, although I still cook or clean doesn’t mean that I do it because I am a female. I do it because it has to be done, otherwise I will be hungry and leaving in a messy house. Looking always beautiful for the possible courtship of a man was also a thing. And, maybe it was not only the courtship thing, but the idea that a woman must always look nice that I was not looking forward to.
But to stay at home to look after my family is not an option I contemplate. I aspire to be a strong, smart, independent woman. And to me that is femininity. Not depending on a man because I am a fragile, poor female is what I strive for; yet, those where not the values I was raised with.
So in all my theorizing, to help me cope with the patriarchal definition I was raised with, I began to do many of the things that would be seen as less feminine. I began go natural because the beauty is within and as cheesy as that sounds, it is true. When I started to love myself for how I am instead of for how beautiful others want me to look, I began to defined MY femininity.
“I found a place of sanctuary in ‘theorizing,’ in making sense out of what was happening. I found a place where I could imagine possible futures, a place where life could be lived differently.” — bell hooks
It was liberating to define what to me is being a woman. To become the feminine woman I wanted to be I became that little girl again, as ironic as it sounds, that didn’t care much about defining her femininity through appearances. I began to wear more comfortable clothes and shoes, and I began to sleep more and go au natural.
To my mother this was shocking because I was dressing not as appealing as before and as she would have liked me to, but I did not let that stop me from practicing my theory. I will confess that trying to define my femininity the way I want to, does not mean that I have stopped wearing dresses or makeup, it just means I wear them only when required.
I started to become more independent. This independence came out of my idea that women are strong and not just fragile, docile beings. I aspire to be dependent on my efforts and not on a man. However, in no way I am a man hating woman.
I am still working on my definition of femininity. If I may be honest, I did resorted to feminism to help me shape my views. However, the feminism ideas I use come from the non-distorted one, not the feminism we have today. And while many may disagree (or agree) with my definition of femininity, I will continue to theorize on what femininity means to me and I won’t stop until the pain is gone. After all, everybody is entitled to their own opinion.
