#MakeYourOwnDamnSandwich
I will never forget how one of my closest friendships ended a while back. I had met him at my university, and ironically this is where the situation took place. This was two years ago now and it still really confuses me. More than when it happened, actually. And this is not because I didn’t understand what took place, but because I am now better able to comprehend it.
About two years ago, a friend and I were getting lunch and discussing sports when our discussion quickly shifted and turned to “manhood” and gender roles basically after an incredibly inappropriate, abrupt comment of this nature — “women are designed to stay at home and take care of things there.” Aside from misogyny, let’s talk about all of the various gender role implications here. At least he didn’t say women are supposed to be the cooks of the household while the men do the real work, I assured myself. Or so I thought… I immediately denounced this statement of his and I still today refuse to accept anything of the sort. These beliefs are just not okay, because they often times turn into actions. He got upset with me and said “no, women are not as worthy or valuable as men. The men are the essential people while the women just need to stay at home and cook. That is just how it is and how it should be.” Aside from the gender roles, the very prevalent and prominent deep-rooted misogyny, there is a major superiority complex here that desperately needs to be dismantled. Why is it that men think cooking makes them female or invokes some level of femininity in them? And why on earth is being “seen as female” something less than desired?! Women are badass beings and cooking is something everyone should learn. Seriously. Learn how to make your own damn food. It is quite a necessary skill if you wish to survive. And liberating. Trust me on this one!
Is this a “radical” or otherwise “odd” statement? The only reason for that assumption would be lack of understanding and familiarity with the notion. You see, the thing is: we need sustenance to survive. Right? We need food. A lot of people will attempt to create a counter argument for this by exclaiming something along the lines of “you can just buy food from a store!” As in: previously prepared food. However, the issue here is corporate capital and corporate capitalism. Purchasing food items and other life necessities from a company means supporting capitalism. Many people are capitalists and may not necessarily see an issue with this, although a few are certainly present and have very real, very prevalent societal impacts. A central one is the method in which the corporation(s) all of a sudden becomes the provider — for the individual and for the society alike. That corporation is now your hunter and gatherer, your sole provider, and a massive parental figure. This is hugely problematic because of corporate personhood and this notion that corporations deserve equal and equivalent treatment to human beings and other creatures on our earth.
That former friend whose name will remain unspoken for as long as I shall live had the audacity to make a very horrific remark which will plague me for a very long time. He said women “are not good for anything but working in the kitchen and maybe someday moving on up in society and into the workforce.” If one is not able to see all of the various issues with this, they are unquestionably part of the problem. Dexter Thomas, PhD candidate and writer/reporter, very successfully points out the damaging effects of masculinity in his article about #MasculinitySoFragile; from an interview he did — “‘When you challenge masculinity, it hits a nerve,” Williams said in a phone interview with The Times. “It makes some men nervous. But violence against women is a result of the fragility of masculinity. A woman can say ‘no’ to a man on a date, and she could end up dead. That’s what women have to deal with. And we as men have to recognize that.” Men need to recognize that their “manhood” and “toughness” is literally killing women. And men.
Patriarchal dominance and violence aside, it is just simply rude to claim that you matter more than someone else and to try and claim that your existence and life has a deeper, more significant value. It is rude and incredibly destructive. And this is where heteronormative masculinity and hyper-masculinity come into play. We used to have this conversation and center it around hyper-masculinity specifically but I think it has evolved to include the concept of masculinity in a much more general sense. Why is this idea that men matter more than women so damn recurring and why do people consistently buy it? My immediate thought is patriarchy; but then we must ask the essential question of why deconstructing and eradicating patriarchy seems near impossible? I think capitalism and social heteronormativity are powerful, key components in that they perpetuate the concept of masculinity and it has become seriously damaging and just outright harmful. Boys grow up thinking if they are mean to a girl, they are showing that they like them. And girls are taught to BELIEVE THIS. I honestly believed it when I was younger. Sadly. The current discourse really needs to change if we ever hope to make progress as humanity.
