My Failure as a Mexican Wife

The Affects of Cultural Oppression, and The Desire of Honor

I never thought deeply into the wounds that I have experienced as a woman, nor did I ever think I would be able express my pain in words and nevertheless publicize what I had to say. I come from a Mexican family, and living up to my culture was always my “goal”. I was taught how to be the perfect wife. I was taught to cook and clean at a young age and I was led to believe that my role was to serve the men in my home and as Bell Hooks mentions in her journal Theory as Liberatory Practice the men in my life had ultimate authority. I learned to practically be a servant, to be cautious of what the men needed or wanted since in our family the men ate first as the woman watched and heated there food and made sure they had everything they needed to enjoy their meal. Sooner than later this took a tole on my life and made me lose myself.

I got married to my high school sweetheart and I started a family. Everything was perfect — or so I thought. I severed and attended my husband the way I was taught to. I was in my second year of college when I had my son and everything after that became a snowball affect. My culture had taught me to serve and take care of my husband, and as a result I lived through a nightmare. In my life as a child I was never allowed to express my feelings or my thoughts I was taught to obey. Particularly to men, it was never accepted to challenge what a man had to say. In an article “On Being a Mexican American, Joe I Mendoza states “ before a man can become macho, it takes a woman to make him so”, men learn to become the dominant spouse and learn from their mothers as well as their father. In my culture my little brothers are not allowed to cry they are immediately redirected that trying is for “viejas” meaning woman.

In my marriage I was the same way, showing obedience to what my husband said out of respect, practice does not make perfect it makes permanent. I did not have a voice in the choices that were made about anything. The few times I did speak my opinion it only led to a storm without an end. The more days passed by, the more I lost myself and my education. I reached out to my mother in hopes for “healing words” as hooks describes. I talked to her about the verbal abuse that soon led to physical abuse, and I was told I was doing something wrong. Its not unusual for domestic abuse to happen in my culture and often times woman who are beat by there husbands are blamed for provoking the man. An article titled: Husbands and Wives in a Mexican Village: A Sudy of Role Conflict by Oscar Lewis talks about the roles of men and woman in a Mexican village, where:

“the wife is expected to be submissive, faithful, devoted and respectful toward her husband. She should seek his advise and obtain his permission before undertaking any but the most minor activities. A wife should be industrious and frugal and should manage to save money no matter how little her husband’s income. A good wife should not be critical, curious, or jealous of her husband’s activities outside the home”

This makes things even harder in today’s woman who not only attend the home but make the choice to pursue and education and also have a job of their own.My mother always told me if one day my husband decided to leave me that I was the only one to blame because I was “letting myself go”. I was told that I needed to wear makeup and dress nicely so when my husband got home I looked “put together”. I worked, cooked, cleaned, took care of our child, and went to school, and yet my mother still told me I wasn’t enough. This is similar to how Hooks wrote, that her mom stated, “I don’t know where I got you from, but I sure wish I could give you back”. My mother practically told me just that, that I was a failure as a wife. After living this day by day I began to lose interest in things I wanted to do, and in the goals I wanted to pursue for myself. The goal of marriage I once had as a little girl was killing me inside and as stated in the journal by Bell Hooks , “I was desperately trying to discover the place of my belonging”. I gave everything I had and sacrificed everything I was achieving to be a perfect wife, but I was fighting a battle by myself and soon I lost the battle, but years later I won the war.

I believe that culture is a beautiful aspect of a person’s life. I know that the blessing and acceptance to make our parents happy is a goal. However, I do not think that a culture should ever make anyone feel dehumanized. No one should feel oppressed in a marriage, relationship or in a friendship. Woman have the right to be individuals and have goals and shouldn’t be stopped with the excuse that they need to be at home caring for the children. Bell Hooks journal helps woman like my mother see the inequalities that woman go through and understand the importance of making a stand and letting your voice be heard.