Sex: A Genderqueer Edition
One “do”, one “don’t”, and one solid “yes” when having sex with a genderqueer person
In general, sex is a very liberating experience. This especially for Queer people who experience sexual attraction. Whether Queer or not, individual self-discovery is also a common product of sexual encounters. I can confidently say that sex has played a big role in terms of my realization and continued embracement of my Queer identity. While learning more about myself through sex, I continue to have experiences where those I have sex with gain a further understanding of LGBTQ+ lives specifically due to my genderqueer identity.
A wide range of differently connotated events have occurred during the sex I’ve had that directly relate to the fact that I’m a genderqueer person. For my non-genderqueer readers, I want to share some personal examples of a “do”, a “don’t”, and ultimately a “yes” when romantically and/or sexually engaging with a genderqueer person that have personally happened with me.
All names mentioned have been changed to respect the privacy of the mentioned individuals. However, all mentioned, regardless if they are associated with a “do” or “don’t” are genuinely kind and loving people. A few just needed a little more…. knowledge than others.
Tom, the Outdoorsy Millennial — a “Do”
I had some of the best sex I’ve ever had with Tom. I was visiting their home state at the time, and I went over to their literal log cabin three nights in a row. I know, sounds a little sketchy. Why am I going over to a stranger’s cabin in a rural area? Don’t worry, I did all the necessary precautions and checks with Tom. Also, I’m here writing this, so clearly I’m fine.
I also have to mention that this was a very modern/chic log cabin. Yes, Tom chops their own wood for their wood stove heater, but you could tell all of it came from family money. They are muscley in the swimmer’s body sense, so chopping wood was the extent of the manual labor for them; which is totally fine. Tom is super hot. I’m thin/skinny and find mowing the lawn to be a drag, and I love my body type. Tom holds none of the typical upper-class douchey qualities at all. They are very socially and politically aware and make you feel very comfortable in their presence. Tom matches this with being very intimate and passionate during sex. They made me feel really special. The sex was a full-body experience.
I actually don’t have much more to add to this. In our prior Tinder conversations before I went over to their place, I did happen to mention that I’m genderqueer and go by They/He/She pronouns. Maybe it was because Tom is nonbinary themselves, going by They/He pronouns, which made my genderqueer identity not phase them even remotely. They fully acknowledged this part of me while also not negatively changing the way they were already interacting with me before now knowing about this part of me.
Simply because of this maintained level of normalcy, upliftment, and respect that Tom held with me, clearly holding a firm understanding of the difference between gender identity and sex assigned at birth, this is a great example of a “do” when having sex with a genderqueer person. Also, Tom is the dom top people dream of.
Finn, the Frat Boy — a “Don’t”
I feel like the “frat boy” association already gives a pretty solid impression of Finn, but he honestly just happens to be the “bro” type without all the “blah” that comes with it. Yes, some of the stereotypical characteristics were definitely present, but not the toxic masculinity and such. Well…. not anymore.
Immediately after graduating, Finn went to live in a three-story, six-bedroom, five-bathroom house with five of the other guys he lived in a frat house with during college. How they found this specific of a place, I’m unsure. This was also a family money type situation, as the house was very clean and was really well furnished. I would have been shocked if that was their own doing. Frat boys aren’t known for their tidiness.
Finn, though externally very “bro”, is internally a very deep, intelligent, and witty person. When I showed up at his place, beach blonde Finn met me outside. He was wearing a backward baseball cap, a blue and white jersey, and tight jean shorts that really showed his athletic booty. Nothing better than rimming a jock top’s ass. Finn met me outside before I even texted him I was here. He was quite eager; it turned me on. Like Tom, Finn already knew my pronouns and that I’m genderqueer. Finn is a cisgender man and identities Queer as well in sexual orientation. His fellow frat bros are straight and bisexual.
We hugged and I could tell Finn was a little nervous, but also trying to play it cool. Because we both shared direct communication in common, I said, “You don’t have to be nervous.” He laughed a little and blushed. We made small talk as we walked in. All of his roommates were in the living room that was right there after the front door. They looked at us, said hello to me, and then looked at each other knowing exactly what was going down.
Just to skip ahead, we were doggy-style on Finn’s bed, both sweating incredibly, Finn railing me from behind. Finn then pulled me up so he could hold me against his body while he fucked me, which I love. He began to pull my hair and lightly choke me, which I also love. But then, he decided to “spice it up” some more.
Finn, who had been interchanging my They/He pronouns (in a normal manner) both over Tinder and in-person got close to my ear and said, “I’m going to call you ‘she’ now cause you’re my little bitch that needs to be dominated.” I didn’t reply immediately. A few seconds went by because I was processing what he just said, and then I told him to stop for a moment cause we had to talk. I turned around to face him and kinda laid on my side.
As I said, what Finn and I share in common is our bluntness. So, I essentially condensed a sociology class for him. “Alright. The dominant/submissive thing we’re doing is totally fine and consensual, but how I identify shouldn’t be fetishized nor treated with disrespect. Like, it’s fine if aspects of who I am turn you on, but no part of my identity is synonymous with the power structures that still oppress people…. ya know? Basically what you just said, intentional or not, because a part of me is a nonbinary woman, implies that my existence alone is inherently a reason for it to be ‘taken over.’ Does that make sense?”
I could tell he really listened to what I had said by his reply. “Yes, that totally makes sense. I’m sorry I said that. I actually realized what I said right after I said it, but didn’t know if I should say anything or not about it. I totally understand what you’re saying, that’s my bad. I don’t know where that came from.” He then laid down next to me. “I don’t normally think or believe things like that. That was my mistake. That’s never happened before. I guess I gotta work on that.”
Everything was cleared up, nothing was awkward after the conversation, and we finished fucking. It was great and we both came pretty hard. We cleaned up and took a shower together, watched some Netflix, and then I went home.
Though that yucky situation couldn’t have gone better, this is a “don’t” because even if sexist and patriarchal thinking isn’t in Finn’s frontal consciousness, it was still apparent it was in his thinking somewhere. Maybe subconsciously and it slipped forward. These are historically entrenched belief systems ingrained into many of us that take time to unpack. But the time to unpack them is now; individually and collectively.
Transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, and otherwise, women still face sexism and misogyny in 2021. Just like racism and heteronormativity, these ideologies are complex and aren’t a quick fix. Just because a genderqueer person may look one way doesn’t make their identity or a part of their identity less valid. Would Finn have said this to a feminine-presenting cisgender woman? I’m not sure.
Regardless, I got the feeling he acknowledged his minor wrongdoing and learned from it. He texted me later that night and the next day apologizing also stating that he was glad he didn’t just forget about it because it made him really examine, even as a Queer person, other behavior of his and whether or not it was connected to harmful ideas or concepts.
Such an awesome guy. That definitely wasn’t the last time we fucked either.
Trenton, the Questioning — Complicated, but Definitely a “Yes”
Like Finn, this scenario went wrong, yet couldn’t have been resolved better.
Trenton was someone I matched with on Tinder who lived 15–20 minutes away, so this was great. For the cishets reading, a 45-minute drive to fuck is a Queer normal when not living in a major city. You have to set your dating app to a 75–100 mile radius just to get enough options.
The conversation was great, but I could tell Trenton was a little uneasy. Not in a red flag type of way, but that he was a little nervous when being flirty. I thought it was cute. I asked him multiple times if everything was alright. He said yes each time, so I let it be after a bit. At the beginning of the conversation, Trenton asked me about my pronouns in my Tinder bio. to which I told him I was genderqueer. He seemed mostly reserved or quiet in response, but nothing weird or rude if that makes sense. At least I thought.
Eventually, we both decided we wanted to have sex. When I got to his place I saw he was already waiting on his front step which was odd. As I pulled into his driveway, he shot up and start to speed-walk over to my car before I even parked. My windows were down, so I heard him say something like, “Wait, you don’t have to get out” which I didn’t know what he meant by that. He walked over to the driver’s side and I noticed he was flushed and a little sweaty around the hairline.
He then began to give me his quickly put together speech he decided to make while I was on my way over to his place. “Hey, so, um, this has nothing to do with you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out today. I think I need to figure out some, um, some more stuff about myself before getting intimate with anyone. This is, um, my first time with…. um…. you’re not a guy…. I mean…. I’ve only slept with women before, I mean cis-women. It’s not you, I just need to process things.”
I told him it’s totally fine and that he doesn’t need to be all worked up about it. After reassuring him that being more comfortable with himself is always the best thing to do before engaging in things like sex, I left and drove back home. The whole experience lasted less than five minutes and I never even took the keys out of my ignition.
Trenton clearly didn’t have a concrete understanding of gender identity. Did he have bad intentions? Not at all. With the self-discovery he last minute realized he needed to put action into, I hope he also did some research on LGBTQ+ issues and terminology. As compared to the “do” and “don’t” examples above, this is a solid “yes” because ultimately, Trenton did the right thing.
Yes, he did realize he needed to be more grounded with his sense of identity in bad timing, but consent isn’t a one time deal or answer, so that’s ok. Yes, he did word his explanation a little on the ignorant side, but I know it wasn’t said with malice by any means, and that he probably did educate himself on gender identity and such some more in the process of learning more about himself.
This is a solid “yes” because it’s a “do” within a “don’t”. It wasn’t the smoothest of conclusions, but it was a conclusion that needed to be made that Trenton initiated himself. So good for him. I haven’t heard from Trenton since, but I hope he’s doing well.
These events were meant to be expressed in both an educational and comedic way. Each and every one of us never stops learning and growing. I have to say, the above “don’ts” could be much worse scenarios. I’ve heard horror stories of people freaking out on hook-ups and berating genderqueer people with really hateful language, if not receiving physical violence. This is unacceptable. However, the micro-aggressions or “minor” incidents need to have attention brought to them as well because those build-up and are what form the larger, more overtly oppressive actions towards Queer people.
What should also be taken away from this is that not all genderqueer people are the same. This is a very individual matter, and the above is just the relaying of my genderqueer experience and perspective. Respect and kindness take many forms, but as a whole is a must.
Also, validation is quite sexy.
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