Lacking Consideration for Others
Who’s really selfish when we talk about not wanting kids
I am a 29-year-old single woman. I want to own businesses, build an eco-friendly house, travel the world, and develop a mind-blowing relationship with a life partner. I want to influence the next generation by being a role model in feminism, unconventional lifestyles, and weight lifting spaces. My family will consist of a life partner, a couple big dogs, and lifestyle friends.
When you’re a young woman, people don’t care about how much you want to change the world if it doesn’t involve raising children.
People miraculously become experts on my life when they hear that I don’t want to be a mother. People love to tell me that I haven’t met the right man. This is rapey, but that’s a conversation for a different post. They love to say that I’ll change my mind, which is gaslighting. They also love to tell me that I’m selfish.
Selfish adj. lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
By choosing not to have children I am lacking consideration for others, apparently. I am not considering my partner’s desire for offspring. I’m not considering my family’s wishes for grandchildren/nieces/nephews. I’m not o considering my girlfriends with children who want their kids to be friends with my kids.
You’re right. I’m not considering those people. I’m considering myself. I’m the one who has to carry and deliver the fetus. I’m the one who has to watch my diet and be poked and prodded by doctors. I’m the one who has to experience morning sickness. I’m the one who has to breast feed. I’m the one who can’t drink or smoke. I’m the one who has to modify my workouts to deal with a pregnant belly after I worked so hard to have great abs. I’m the one who has to make the sacrifices mentally and physically. Not my partner, not my family, not my friends. Sure, they can cheer from the audience, but this is a solo act.
It’s selfish for partners, family, and friends to expect, pressure, or otherwise manipulate me into having children for their benefit. They are lacking consideration for me, among other things.
It’s selfish for the sperm-donating (male) half of the partnership to demand that the fetus-carrying, baby-delivering, breast-feeding (female) half sacrifice her body and health. “We” are not pregnant. I am pregnant. “We” did not have a baby. I went through labor. Pregnancy is not an equal burden. Raising a child might be an equal endeavor if both parents are home dedicating equal time to the child. It isn’t equal if one partner works long hours and the other partner provides more childcare.
It’s selfish for family to pressure women into having children because they want additional family members. The family isn’t raising the kid or paying childcare expenses. For the family, new children mean entertainment. Some mothers want their daughters to have children so that they will understand what the mother went through or to validate their own choice to have children. Neither one of these reasons is valid.
It’s selfish for friends to want their friends to have kids so that they can “be in it together.” This is also a projection of someone else’s insecurities. If all women must be mothers, they feel better about being mothers. It is not my job to validate your lifestyle with my body.
It’s selfish for anyone to tell women that they need to have kids to fully experience womanhood. This is cissexist (offensive to transwomen and genderqueer individuals who are unable to be pregnant) and ableist (offensive to women who are infertile). You do not define what womanhood is for me. There is nothing that I am required to do to validate my experinece as a woman.
Also, it’s selfish to need your own biological children when the world is becoming overpopulated, partially because of poor reproductive healthcare access and unwanted pregnancies. 20,000 children “age out” of the foster care system every year without parents. There are children who already exist who deserve nuturing, loving homes. These are people who deserve supportive relationships and mentors.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting your own biological child, but don’t you DARE tell me I’m selfish for choosing not to have biological children when there are so many children who deserve better.
Putting my needs and wants in front of everyone else’s doesn’t make me selfish. It makes me self-aware and self-caring. Your wants and desires are completely irrelevant here. Bullying me because I don’t want children makes you selfish, because lack consideration for me. This isn’t about you. It’s about me.
P.S. People also say, why talk about it if you know people are going to judge you? I have to talk about it because people will judge me. There are women who don’t want to be mothers who are pressured to do so. There are women who are unable to have children who feel shamed for their inability to do so. There are men who don’t want to be fathers. People need to know that they have a choice. Every time I talk about it, I reinforce the choice. Until everyone knows that being a parent is a decision that you get to make for yourself, I will happily explain why the people crying “selfish” are wrong.
