Review | Major Key (Archived)

SPECIAL TALK ALERT! Back by popular demand (literally no one asked we do this again), we finally stopped procrastinating enough to review another highly anticipated album. Last Friday (July 29th), DJ Khaled dropped his NINTH studio album titled, Major Key! So with nothing better to do on a Friday morning, Dayo & I (and not Maegan or Yvonne because they’re the worst) did what we do best — act fake busy at work and talk shit on the internet. Below is a transcript of our actual conversation and simultaneous review while listening to the entire album, beginning to end. If you’ve already heard the album, this will be a treat and if you haven’t heard it yet, you’re welcome.

I Got the Keys (feat. Jay Z & Future)

Kenny: OK. PLAY! We outchea.

Dayo: Can we finally acknowledge this song is subpar?

K: I feel like the media have been trying to get me to like this song. You’re right. This isn’t prime Jay but don’t let the Jay stans hear me say that.

D: I should like it. It has things I like. Rapper con bars — Jay-Z. Rapper con mumbling — Future. But still — doesn’t hit right.

K: I was working out to this song the other day and thinking about the video and I was thinking of all the rappers in the video. Why wasn’t Ludacris there!? It just popped into my head. Where Luda been? Too busy making movies I guess.

D: Aint been the same since he got the Caesar. I can relate.

For Free (feat. Drake)

K: Honestly, i fucking love this song. At first I was apprehensive. But goddamn, Drake got the superpowers.

D: This shit is smooth.

K: Shoutout to Too Short in those opening bars. I love saying “Pussy on Agua”.

K: Why doesn’t he say “mouth”?

D: “Mouth” is too vulgar but “pussy” ain’t?

K: We know what he means. Minus well say it. I was in the car with my boss and coworker and this came on. Couldn’t help but sing along. Wild looks but IDGAF.

D: Damn. I just wanna jig at my desk to this.

K: I need to slap an ass to this.Have you ever felt like a girl should’ve paid you for sex? Only happened once in my life.

D: Twice for me. I give. I have a big heart.

K: You’re a nice guy man.

D: Kinda like a Make-a-Wish for adults.

K: Giving to the needy.

Nas Album Done (feat. Nas)

K: Love the Fugees sample. Nas is a better rapper than Jay still.

D: Shhhh. Don’t say that too loud.

K: Money can’t buy health or bars. Nas really did set the trend with the babies on album covers. Every time I listen to Nas, my IQ level rises a smidge.

D: He really floating dog.

K: Nas and Pharrell are on the hip-hop list of immortals never aging. What’s the secret?

D: People say black don’t crack. I’ve DEF seen it crack. But not in their cases. This hook is beautiful.

K: Impeccable. When was the last Nas album? 2009?

D: Nah, like 2012 i think.

K: Oh yeah, Life is Good. That was eh. Song was flames tho.

D: Also — can’t wait for the Black Twitter hot takes when his album drops.

Holy Key (feat. Kendrick Lamar, Big Sean & Betty Wright)

K: Sean Don! I already know this gon be fire. Bars on bars on bars.

D: K Dot what up! Big Sean def swimming in Jhene right?

K: HAS TO BE. I want it to be true. We need it for the culture.

D: Big Sean’s last 16 always sound like he outta breath.

K: I’ve never even heard of Betty Wright but she giving it that church feel.

D: This song is an auditory prayer hand emoji.

K: I feel like an idiot listening to KDot. I feel not woke. You need to open up a history book to listen to Kendrick. I think this is the second Kendrick joint on a Khaled album. The last one was with Cole and Krit. He doesn’t disappoint.

Jermaine’s Interlude (feat. J. Cole)

D: Right on cue.

K: Jermaine, speak to us youth.

D: Wonder if Sallie Mae still looking for him.

K: He went platinum with no features!! No one to split that money with. D: Still can’t afford an NYC Uber doe.

K: Cole is really a man of the people.

D: Correction — people 30 and under.

K: The beat selection so far has been great.

D: People hate on J. Cole too much.

D: “J Cole sucks.” Me —

Ima Be Alright (feat. Bryson Tiller & Future)

K: Tiller and Future, I like this combo.

D: Wimmenz really love Tiller.

K: The beat is disgusting. I got the meanest nod at my cubicle right now. About to headbutt my screen.

D: Janitor prob thinking you saying ‘what up’.

D: This song didn’t really need Future. Bryson on his young Breezy right now.

K: It didn’t….this album doesn’t need Khaled either but I’m sleep. YO! Spot on. So Breezy. Also, who’s Neil?

D: So. Many. Questions.

Do You Mind (feat. Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, August Alsina, Jeremih, Future & Rick Ross)

K: That Lover & Friends sample. Hood classic. I don’t know why but I don’t like when Nicki makes basketball references. Like does she really watch ball like that?

D: Lol not a chance. Really thought Fab was gonna be the first to reference that block.

K: He had to have. He spends all his time on social media.

K: Did August go blind yet?

D: Lmaoooo. Next Stevie!

K: He’s cool but I could do without him. Give me Jeremih and Breezy and it’s a hit. I have a friend that was on tour with Breezy in Croatia and Budapest. Had no clue he was popping out there like that.

D: Jeremih is verrrry underrated.

K: Verryyy. Why isn’t he more commercial?

D: It’s cause he gives off the “I fuck white girls” vibe. The streets don’t like that. K: Khaled is always good for one simp anthem.

K: This is basically “Hold You Down” with Nicki and Ross. But not as good IMO.

D: The sample saves it, but now i just wanna listen to the original.

K: Usher + Lil Jon was truly undefeated. Ersher baby. Why couldn’t Khaled get Usher on this!? Replace August with Usher and this becomes 100x better.

Pick These Hoes Apart (feat. Kodak Black, Young Jeezy & French Montana)

K: Okay, we got Young Kodak the finesse kid, French, and Jeezy.

D: Pick These Hoes Apart is my favorite title. Not eem close. No way Jeezy knows who Kodak is btw.

K: What are your thoughts on Kodak Black? He’s outchea. I’m a fan.

D: He’s not for me, but I get the appeal.

K: Young Jeezy is like 2016 Jay Z to me. Love their old stuff but just stick to selling liquor and running your label.

D: It’s what the people want.

K: They’re legendary but like..I’m just not interested.

D: I hate French Montana because he’s ugly but bags wayyyy badder women than me. Still sick of that Sanna Lathan rumor.

K: French is the definition of someone with no talent but strictly floating off swagginess. I fux with French though. This song could’ve been left off the album doe.

D: Agreed. My least fav so far.

K: Like just unnecessary all around. The title gave us too much hope. It was all downhill from there.

Fuck Up the Club (feat. Future, Rick Ross, YG & Yo Gotti)

K: I have high hopes for this next song.

D: BRB. Bathroom break.

K: I’m pissing in a water bottle right now. Can’t take no breaks.

K: This was the saving grace the album needed after the Pick These Hoes Apart debacle. Ross and YG floated. This is def a good pregame song.

D: I’m bizzack. This is the perfect song for when you’re in the backseat of an Uber. Late at night — looking at the street lights and shit.

Work for It (feat. Big Sean, Gucci Mane & 2 Chainz)

K: OMFG .This already my fave song. Gucci, Sean, Chainz. Sean with the Ursher reference. This album really just needs the real Usher.

D: It’s the only thing missing. Sean got that TWENTY88 flow going. Just talking that breakup then makeup shit.

K: I just assume Sean is always talking to Jhene when he’s rapping about fucking.

K: GUCCI HOME! I’m so happy.

D: I’m really gonna miss saying Free Gucci. Can i still say it anyway? It’s a staple at this point.

K: Speaking of Sean, I remember the time we listened to Mercy in your whip the first time it dropped and you told me it was wack. LOL you literally said Big Sean says “ass” too much.

D: Nah. Different Dayo. I has no recollections.

If you don’t know this reference, check out this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JSkO3sXQcY

K:

Don’t Ever Play Yourself (feat. Jadakiss, Fabolous, Fat Joe, Busta Rhymes & Kent Jones)

K: Khaled got all the 90’s legends for this.This is definitely that NY grimey rap.

D: They don’t make shit like this no mo.

K: Why TF is Kent Jones on this? D: Khaled about that $$$. Pushing his artist. Should’ve gotten Joe or Tony Sunshine or Avant or someone. Case or Jaheim.

D: That’d be too much. Wouldn’t be a dry 40 year old pair of panties in America.

K: Lmao. Damn, what did the White Mamba do to you Joe? He calling out Brian Scalabrine.

D: 😞

K: Haven’t heard Busta since he fell off the stage with OT Genasis that one time.

D: His big ass forget how to balance. He’s so top heavy.

K: Kent Jones is a rapper? Shows how much I know of him.

D: He got that one decent joint.

K: This dude’s song is always on the radio. Good for him. If wypippo knew he was rapping like this, they would boycott. He better be careful. Get your commercial paper bro. Go that Flo-Rida route.

D: Ain’t nothing wrong with that. The skreets ain’t for everybody.

Tourist (feat. Travis Scott & Lil Wayne)

K: LaFlame and Wayne. I’m intrigued. I’m worried Lil Wayne will ruin it.

D: This gotta be dope. Hopefully Weezy had his lean before stepping in the booth.

K: Can’t be having sober skateboard Wayne out here. So far, this honestly sounds like a throwaway Scott put together and just gave to Khaled. Beat is dope tho but sounds like all of his beats.

D: It’s not bad, just familiar. If that makes sense. I don’t know what to do with my body to this song. Can you freak a girl to this? No. Dance? No. Headbob? No.

K: That’s the dilemma every white girl has.

D: That’s the problem.

K: Wayne skating. He did not disappoint.

D: Save it Weezy. Save us.

K: No notable lines on this first listen, but still smooth.

Forgive Me Father (feat. Meghan Trainor, Wiz Khalifa & Wale)

K: This will def get on Top 40 radio. Smart move by Khaled.

D: She got the hook game on smash.

K: Meghan Trainor really came up outta nowhere looking like Adele’s annoying little sister. She manages a decent single every couple of months.

D: She could maybe possibly get the strokes.

K:

K: ……

D: “Maybe possibly”.

K: The jury is still out.

K: This is too pop for me. Shit, this is the second to last song on the album.

D: Well get used to hearing it. Cause its finna be everywhere.

K: I’m so conflicted on Wale. I used to love that guy. I want to still love him. He loves sneakers. He loves wrestling. He loves rap. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

K: I can’t slander the man who made “My Sweetie”.

D: Fucking classic! Now I want a Guinness.

Progress (performed by Mavado)

K: Khaled saved the reggae for the end. Shoutout to the Gully God tho.

D: It’s the year of fake reggae right? Controlla?Work? Now this possibly.

K: This song was definitely just a formality. Khaled gotta show love to his Yardie bruddas.

D: BUMBACLOT!!

K: This song came out as a single already.Just looked it up but it came out as a Mavado single so seems like Khaled threw him a bone.

FINAL COMMENTS

And just like that, it’s over. Such a tame ending to the album. Felt like I was transported to another world and left to find my own way back home.

K: Okay, overall what grade do you give the album?

D: B+. There were a few throwaways songs. Beats were overall amazing.

K: A lot of subpar raps. I think B+ strictly for features and beat selection.

D: Dope beats + average bars = rap in 2016. What a time to be alive.

K: Kendrick was the highlight of this album for me. Kendrick and Gucci.

D: That Nas joint was #1 for me. K: Best song hands down. Behind For Free of course.

D: Shoutout to Meghan Trainor. White vocalists matter and shit.

K: Where was Kanye? That’s the only thing I’m left thinking of.

D: Correction — where was Usher?

K: He got Jay, KDot, Drake, Cole, Gucci, Sean, Ross. DJ Khaled, if you’re reading, you missed out by not having Kanye and Usher on this album.

D: He’ll def read this. You’re welcome.

K: So we said B+, how many keys out of five?

D: I give 3.78 keys of cocaine.

K: I gave it 🔑🔑🔑.

D: And there you have it. Major Key. Not to be confused with Regular Key or Minor key.

D: Thanks for your input Maegan & Yvonne!

You can listen to ‘Major Key’ on iTunes, but not Spotify because….greed.

*UPDATE*: Major Key is now streaming on Spotify here.