All behavior is communication
Behavior is a symptom
Start listening to what your kids are saying
Screaming, crying, whining, arguing, back talking. Unacceptable behaviour that we need to curb, punish so our kids learn they can’t get their way all the time. If we don’t get them under control, we’ll wind up with spoiled brats.
Wrong!
“Bad” behaviour is not bad. It’s a symptom of emotion and need.
Aren’t they trying to control us?
Yes, but that’s not a bad thing. Kids communicate the best they can. In fact, most of the time they use subtler messages that we miss or ignore.
What do you think you do when you aren’t getting your needs met? Ask more aggressively, more directly.
Children, and often adults, don’t know how to say “I’m feeling hurt,” or “I need connection,” or “I don’t like this”, or “I’m hungry.”
All behavior is communication.
Instead of the above statements, they scream, cry, argue, hit, talk back, to convey their feelings and have you listen.
Those behaviours frustrate me. I want to scream back at them and I’ll do anything to make it stop. Except give into my child. I am not raising a spoiled brat!
Good! Gentle parenting is not about raising spoiled kids. But their meltdowns are designed to frustrate you, they are about getting you to feel what they feel.
It works too. Since so many parents go into emergency mode when kids are upset. I know I did for a long time.
Until I learned the secret
I don’t need to stop their upset. I need to listen and respond to their emotions. And figure out what they need.
For babies, needs are very basic food, diapers, closeness.
Toddlers are quite similar in their needs. But as young kids start developing autonomy, sometimes emotions can flare when their reality doesn’t match their expectations. Being upset about the color of a cup or changing their mind after they said no to a favorite food. Their emotions are not about those things. Emotions are a symptom of a rapidly developing brain and skill set.
Your job as a parent is to stay calm, keep empathizing, keep being flexible.
Preschoolers are when needs really increase. But start with those basic needs — food, drink, toilet, and connection. Empathy and flexibility are your greatest assets at this age.
School-age kids and teens.
Shouldn’t they have outgrown these behaviors by now?
No, we all try to get our needs met as best we can. And kids are still developing their brains, teens doubly so. Teens go through an entire brain rewire of their mid-prefrontal cortex.
Instead of pushing harder on boundaries to keep older kids inline, focus on your relationship. Through empathy and listening.
Once those emotions are soothed you can move onto collaborative solutions. Seeking skills is a superb skill for everyone to learn.
Next time your child is having bad behaviour, change your view of that behaviour and your child.
The child before you is not a spoiled brat who wants their own way.
Standing (or laying on the floor) before you is a human asking for their needs to be met. They haven’t learned or don’t trust you will listen to their emotions or meet their needs. So they have resorted to a tactic they know will work to get you to listen. Crying, screaming, gets your attention. Works every time. Now it’s up to you to listen.
