Choices and kids
why they suck
When kids are not cooperating or complying, often the first advice given is to offer choices. Kids need to learn to make decisions and feel autonomy, people say. You can sidestep power struggles by just offering your child a choice between two options that you control.
And that’s why I don’t like choices, or why they don’t align with gentle parenting as I see it. Choices that are controlled are not real choices. These options are still control and manipulation.
True choices come from freedom of any available option. And gentle parenting theory is accepting our kiddos no matter their choice.
But Mel, I have places to go, work, school, errands. My kid can’t do whatever they want whenever they want.
I’m not suggesting you do this. No one can, including me. I suggest talking to your kids about how to make routine tasks easier. Get curious about what your children are struggling with and come up with creative solutions to those struggles.
Get curious about what is tough
Before you can solve any problem, you need to know what the problem is. Everyone is doing the best they can, so if kids aren’t meeting expectations, we need to know why.
Mornings can be tough because kids aren’t getting enough sleep, aren’t morning people, or are struggling with the forthcoming separation, to name a few internal struggles kids go through. They may need more connection, or food first thing in the morning to stave off hangry.
Separating the different struggles is very important, according to the B Team, a group based on the work of Dr. Ross Greene’s collaborative and proactive solutions framework for helping kids meet expectations. The group calls it unclumping. So while a child may struggle with getting ready at different times of day, morning trials are considered separately from bedtime conflict.
Part of the consideration is parental expectation. Are expectations realistic for this child? You wouldn’t expect a two-year-old to go to their room and change their diaper and clothes independently. And this isn’t just age based, your child has a unique set of strengths and areas where they need support. Avoid comparing your child to other children. “Well, my friend’s three-year-old can get themselves dressed but my five-year-old still needs me to help them with each step.” Your child needs what they need. Try to take a positive view of these needs.
Talk to your kids
It surprises me how often people don’t just talk to their kids about conflicts. Including myself. Even with very young kids, you can talk to them.
I’ve written this before, but we have an assumption that our kids are waiting for us to give them input they will follow or will have the same agenda as us. Neither of these is true. Our kids have their own thoughts and plans, and often what our focus is as parents is not even remotely what they are thinking.
The most important part of this step is LISTENING. Listening for understanding, listening for information. Not listening so you can impose your solutions. So these ideas work best not in the moment, but when things are chill and calm.
Ross Greene says in a podcast about working with young kids that we can do this even with infants. Now, we can’t ask them questions, but little ones are very good at communicating when something is not right. The younger the child is, the more the burden of solution is on us, but once we try a solution, we can keep listening to find out if it’s working or not.
But you know your child best, you know if you can ask “hey I noticed this struggle. What’s up?”
If your child answers your inquiry with “I don’t know” or just changes the subject, then you can do the five finger method. You can make suggestions about what might be an issue and your child rates your ideas one through five. One — hell no, not even close and five — yep, big, big problem for me.
Once you know what their struggle is, you can bring up YOUR concerns if you need to. Sometimes, your concern doesn’t need to be spoken, it’s in the original question. Getting ready on time as a common conflict, we already know that you desire to be punctual.
Finding solutions together
Now that you have a map of the troublesome terrain, you can chart a course to the solution.
I think parenting might be one of the most creative endeavours we undertake. Parenting requires us to be flexible and improvise. But when we are running into the same conflict repeatedly, it requires retreat, regroup, and collaboration.
Ask your child, even three- and four-year-olds can give solutions. This is not the time for logic. Just write everything you can think of down, even ideas that seem improbable. Add some silly ideas along with the serious solutions. Discount nothing right now. If you can, stretch your imagination.
James Altucher writes in his article How to Become an Idea Machine that if you struggle to come up with ten ideas, try for twenty. If you are finding it difficult to think of ten ideas, you are probably trying to perfect ideas. When you generate more ideas, let go of perfectionism.
Once you have a decent to exhaustive list, you can discuss each item and decide if it will work for BOTH parties.
If your child isn’t wanting to attend school, they might suggest they don’t go at all. That may not work for your family, though homeschool or unschool might be an option you explore. But for most of us, school is the plan, but within that expectation we can figure out what the issue is. They might be missing us while we are separated and finding a way to feel connected during those hours is important. The fight may be over getting dressed, but the underlying need is connection, so all the choices over the red shirt or blue shirt will never overcome what the real problem is.
Back to the start of this article, because I feel like I’ve drifted a little from my initial message. Choices can sometimes work, but often the need behind the fight is deeper and requires more connection and emotional labor.
