It’s not who you think
I care about my parenting being judged
…just not by you
“You’re still lying with them until they fall asleep?” The judgment is dripping from every word. Hands on her hips as she glares at me. My stomach swirls and my heartbeat ticks upward. My child is three, and we are on vacation, and my mom is judging my parenting in a dark hallway. Yes, I’m helping go to sleep in a strange place. And yes, I will continue to do so when I get home.
“They have to learn to deal with their anger.” My dad has just threatened to throw my three-year-old out for throwing a car. He had a look on his face that haunts me, the one he had on his face so frequently during my childhood. They threw this statement at me as I left my childhood house crying. My dad never learned to deal with his anger. He didn’t think he was an angry person.
My child is in the shopping cart, screaming at the top of his lungs. As I try to soothe them, people are walking by glaring at me. My body is getting more tense by the minute, I just want my kid to stop screaming long enough to grab milk and bread. God, why is this so hard? I see you staring at me.
If you are a parent, you have faced the judgment of someone in your life for your choices. Your in-laws, your parents, friends, strangers on the street.
I call it parenting in public. Anytime you are parenting and someone else is watching, you feel scrutinized. Judged. And they probably are. It’s human to judge others, and it’s human to feel uncomfortable being judged. Both are tough.
There is some judgment that is worth paying attention to. There is a judgment of a few people in the world I take into consideration: MY KIDS.
Their judgment is really the only one that matters to me nowadays. It wasn’t always this way; I had to cultivate this attitude.
My kids’ safety and well-being are my priorities. I will stand up for them when others aren’t taking their needs and feelings into account. I will parent them with empathy and connection. I will meet their needs.
It took me a lot of inner work to get to where I will stand up to people for my kids. I can’t always do it for myself, but if you try to push their boundaries, try to shame them, I will speak up. I will tell you you are not acting in an acceptable manner and you need to back off and hold space for where this vulnerable person is.
I read once that our voice as parents becomes our child’s inner voice. It’s probably true, the things you say to yourself are probably the way your parents treated you as a child.
Yes, I do care when my parenting is judged. But only the judgment that matters is the ones of those I am parenting. Not the adult who was raised to believe that emotions shouldn’t be expressed, and we should punish children for being human.
