I Don’t Know Where They Learned It
Alternatively: They learned it at school/daycare/another kid
A lot of parents say this. They have a kid who is expressing anger, hitting, yelling, screaming. And they say “I don’t know where they learned this from. We don’t yell or hit in our house.” Alternately, school and other kids get blamed for teaching their child this behaviour. Or TV.
Possible, but even kids who are not exposed to TV or attend daycare or see other kids who hit express frustration in a variety of ways that distress adults.
Hitting and screaming and negative emotions are fairly typical, maybe even NORMAL behaviours of young children. Many kids do them, not all though. So if you have a kid who doesn’t, don’t stress.
My oldest was an easy kid. Never hit and was rarely upset. Discipline was a sideways glance. They are also an introvert . The Golden child.
My second is the exact opposite. Pushes every boundary, screaming flailing expressions of upset. Hit me from anger, seeking my attention, and because I was within reach. And a total extrovert.
Both had similar lives at home. No daycare, but did do preschool a few days a week. My extroverted child struggled with separation.
Parents also give a full medical history when it comes to behavioural struggles. “We limit TV, we only eat sugar free gluten free dairy free.” The flavours of information vary.
None of it matters. What really makes a difference is brain development.
Young kids have immature brains. They are impulsive and emotional. They yell and cry and hit. And those two things crash into each other often for a storm of emotions and lashing out.
And older kids, teens, and adults sometimes are overwhelmed by emotion. Humans cry, throw things, and yell.
Those behaviours are always a symptom of overwhelm rather than a learned behaviour. No matter the age, stage, neurotype, or anything else going on.
And what the overwhelmed person needs to have their stimulus reduced and have someone to co-regulate with.
Emotions are contagious. When someone near us is upset, we may get upset too. Have you ever laughed because someone was laughing? You caught their amusement.
Calm can work this way too. If we can keep ourselves calm, while still offering our understanding and validation we can help co-regulate an upset person. We can invite them into our gentle energy.
That’s a lot of skills happening at once.
Keeping calm when your child is screaming is a skill. Empathy is another. They can be learned and do take practice.
Everyone is always doing the best they can. If someone is hitting, yelling, or otherwise expressing frustration, the behaviour is born of overwhelm and trying to get their needs met.
Slow down. Take a few breaths and respond not with similar energy, but remain calm. Listen, I cannot undersell the effects of listening. Reduce stimulation.
Respond with empathy and compassion.
