A new solution to an old conflict
Meltdowns, tantrums.
Oh my!
Tantrums, meltdowns, upset, overwhelm.
We have a lot of terms to describe children expressing big emotions. The common thread is the often aggressive behavior: crying, screaming, hitting, kicking, sometimes destruction, or laying on the ground. Behavior we don’t want to see.
And definitely don’t want to “reward” them with attention.
Many people label this behavior as manipulation, and ignore or punish it, hoping to make the child stop.
I prefer to refer to the behavior as upset or overwhelmed, because that reflects. A brain that can’t handle the flood of emotions.
For a young child, even a minor situation can bring overwhelming emotions. Their brains have not yet fully developed the ability to process and regulate their emotions. Emotions overwhelm all of us sometimes.
If you’ve cried, yelled, threatened, — you’ve had a tantrum.
Sometimes we get upset alongside our upset kids.
Part of the beautiful connection we have is feeling what people we care about are feeling. One theory is that this occurs because of mirror neurons. Meltdowns may be nature’s way of connection, via parents catching their kids’ feelings. How our parents treated us can play a role in our reactions. If we grew up being punished for having emotions, we’ll be more likely to struggle with expressions of upset.
Helping kids with their upset starts with helping ourselves.
Be calm
There are a few ways we help kids find their calm.
First, calm yourself. There are two mantras that helped me stay calm. “This is not an emergency” and “my child is having a hard time” are two sayings that reminded me my child was doing their best.
If it’s too much, redirect your energy — pushups, dancing, shaking, screaming underwater.
Being upset is okay.
If you’re in public, including in front of family or friends, we can feel anxious about wanting to end the behavior. People may stare or make remarks. Remind yourself you are helping your child. Move somewhere private or request space, — gently but firmly.
We are all doing our best.
Respond with empathy and validation.
Use fewer words. Let your child know you understand they’re upset. Avoid logic and explanations.
Emotions and logic don’t coexist.
Co-regulation
Just be there — calm and empathetic.
Some kids will calm quickly, some will need longer to express their upset. Some kids will request space and it’s okay to step away, while remaining within earshot and/or sight. And others want hugs and cuddles immediately.
Whatever kids need is okay, but saying less is more here while they are upset.
How do we handle aggressive expressions?
There is no guaranteed method to stop aggression. Sometimes kids will accept redirection as an alternative for hitting or destruction. A safe item to hit, pound Playdough, stomping feet, drawing angry pictures. If they want to come at you, allowing them to push on your hands.
Don’t get stuck on one way of expressing upset. Try several until you find what works for you and your child.
Aggressive expressions won’t always be common, — most kids mature out of meltdowns.
The aftermath
Emotional coaching, a term coined by John Gottman, is an important component of handling meltdowns.
After the upset, retelling the story helps integrate the emotional and logical parts of the brain. It teaches children how to label their emotions and express themselves in the future.
Start by retelling the events that led to the upset. Label the emotions — giving words to the experience. Offer empathy and validation — their reaction was understandable. Identify the need behind the behavior. Collaborate to handle the situation, meet their needs, or avoid the upset altogether.
These steps allow for co-regulation. They also teach the skills for future self-regulation.
As kids get older, you can use the emotional coaching in the moment rather than after.
Upset doesn’t go away after preschool years — older kids and adults need emotional coaching sometimes.
An ounce of prevention
An important part of managing an upset is avoiding it altogether.
If you know certain situations trigger upset, try not to expose your child. Hungry and tired are common reasons children escalate, so avoiding excess demands on a child who is stressed already is advisable. It’s not spoiling your child to let them win at games or not go shopping if they create upset. As their brain matures, they will handle those circumstances. And if they don’t gain those skills, you can collaborate to discover why it’s difficult and how to work around those problems.
We gain nothing from forcing a child into discomfort.
