Attention seeking
Wanted: Attention
People say attention seeking. We say connection seeking.
Often, people say that a child’s behavior is attention seeking. They are just seeking attention, ignore them. They need to learn that bad behavior won’t get attention.
Gentle parenting has a different view of behavior.
First off, the idea that we should or shouldn’t reward behavior is called behaviorism. It has its roots in John B. Watson’s “research.” Watson thought he could make children a blank slate if they had all stimuli and connection removed from them. This way he could mold them into whatever he desired — doctor, lawyer. His ideal care taking situation was a rotation of random caregivers who never created an attachment to the child. He never finished his work as he ended up in a scandal with students, and it left his children pretty fucked up from this experimentation. I don’t know if there were caregivers who submitted their kids to this, but somehow he became an influential person in the USA regarding child rearing “expert” advice.
And that’s how we got where we are. Reward and punishment are two sides of the same coin. Rewards are simply punishment in disguise. If the person doesn’t live up to the standard set, then they are punished as the reward is withheld.
We should view attention seeking behavior as connection seeking behavior. Everyone wants to find a connection with another person. That’s normal and typical and even good. We should want connections. We should want others to connect with us, especially our children or family or friends.
It’s okay to want connection.
With kids, they aren’t the most adept at asking for their needs to be met. Neither are adults. No one taught us to feel our feelings or express our needs. Often we were punished for expressing our needs, especially attention seeking ones.
In kids, attention seeking can look like pushing people away. It can look like aggression or other problematic behavior.
When we meet our kids’ needs and let them know asking for them to be met is okay, they learn how to ask. When their emotions are supported, they learn emotional intelligence and expression in more adept ways. Children who receive empathy are more likely to give empathy to others, but they need to feel support first before they can offer it.
It’s the difference between telling someone and showing them. Society has conditioned us to believe that theory is enough. We can learn something just by reading about it or hearing about it. But really I think that’s conditioning rather than experience. Hearing about it is great, and for some things, it entirely works. But for emotions and socialization, we need those experiences modelled first.
So see the need behind the behavior and meet the need. If your child is seeking attention through “bad” behavior, then proactively give them more attention. Seek them out more often than they seek you. It doesn’t have to be a deep involved play period, it can just be leaning over them and asking what they are doing, what’s interesting to them. Giving them a quick hug on the way to say “hey I notice you are here.”
Bedtime is often a missed time for connection. Lying in bed with my kids, while society told me they should hang out alone, has been the best time for us to create a connection. It’s quiet, there are fewer distractions, we aren’t face to face, and its dark, so the pressure is off. We’re just two people hanging out, staring at the dark and alone with our thoughts. What better time to connect with your child? What better time to find out the stresses and peaks of their day? Of their week and year.
Once the person is getting attention, then the need to seek it disappears. They no longer need to hit you so that you see their latest creation. You no longer need to punish them for lashing out. Because you’ve seen the motivation behind it.
If you aren’t sure what’s motivating them, then ask. “Hey, I noticed this happening. What’s up?”
Try it with anyone in your life. Even with adults. If someone is regularly posting attention seeking stuff, try sending them a message every few days to see what’s up with them. Let them know you’re thinking of them, and you may notice those vague posts that are clearly cries for attention disappear.
