Why a Compassionate ‘No’ is a Gentle Strength
My response to #PracticingGentleness month
Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with my compassionate nature — trying to balance the needs of other people with my own.
At a young age, I could easily tune in to the emotions of those around me — their sadness, fears, and hopes. In today’s lingo, this means I’m an empath: someone who senses energy in people and the environment around me. It hasn’t been easy for me to navigate this pathway, as I was often rewarded as a child for being supportive when my family or friends needed me.
My identity was shaped by being ‘kind and a good listener — while giving thoughtful advice if asked.’ This way of being became an integral part of my skill set as a teacher, and then later as a coach in business. One of my core values has been kindness and compassion, and I still align my internal compass with these daily.
Yet, my early childhood experiences as an empath also had a dark side — my compassionate nature became a weakness — allowing others to cross the line into dependency and even abuse.
It has taken me many years of deeper unravelling of this two-sided experience of compassion — how it can help or hurt myself and others — to see where the boundary of self-love exists. When I say ‘hurt others’, I mean that co-dependency is not supportive of either person as it allows compassion to maintain poor boundaries that lack self-respect and self-empowerment.
Although I’ve become stronger at maintaining my boundaries and observing others not respecting my values, it was only recently that I’ve come to appreciate that we can say ‘no’ for any reason that keeps us fully aligned with our cherished values. And we don’t have to explain ourselves to those impacted unless we choose to.
Self-compassion is a strength because our values need protecting — our deepest level of self-love requires it. And foremost, this self-compassion requires being gentle with ourselves, even when we fear rejection from those we love.
When we can say a clear ‘no’ to actions and requests made by others, then we are saying a clear ‘yes’ to ourselves. And in doing so, we demonstrate how self-love actualizes.
I can choose to explain my reasons for saying ‘no’ using kind and clear words and actions, unless it is not required by time or circumstances. I believe the universe desires us to feel the power of ‘no’ so we more fully feel the power of ‘yes’! And this also empowers those around us to see how reinforcing their boundaries in clear and thoughtful ways can create more intimate and deep relationships.
Being capable of giving a compassionate ‘no’ is a gentle strength — a loving attitude that allows for holding the diversity of experiences and people without judgement — but with a wise knowing that our inner peace is paramount to living as a sensitive soul.
