
I first wrote the title of this article into a draft a few weeks ago. Since then I’ve been largely ignoring it. Hoping maybe it would go away. Or perhaps it would write itself. The truth is, I don’t want to write this article.
You see, I have been in a loving and happy relationship for 10 years. We moved in together within a few months of dating and became a family; he and I, my two boys and his young daughter.
Together we have raised my two boys and together we were raising his daughter, now 15. And we have been largely happy, rarely arguing or fighting, and laughing until we cry nearly every day of our relationship. But sometimes, things aren’t what they seem. Underlying issues that were never honestly addressed reared up in ugly truth that snapped the rug right out from under me.
The point is that relationship is now over and I find myself living with my mother, at my ripe-young age of 46. And I have no idea how to be single.
I married twice in my early twenties and divorced. And then went through a series of long-term dating relationships. Even as a single mom I didn’t spend a whole lot of time as a single person. So here I am. Single. Now, what the hell do I do?
I opened Facebook, of course, to change my status and there was a nice long list of options. I could select “divorced,” which feels a bit sad to me. I don’t know why I would want to point out to the world the failure of a marriage. Much less two of them. Single is also an option but who wants to shout to the world, “Hey, look at me I’m 46 and I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband? Come at me,” right? I don’t want to advertise myself to the world in any way. I am me, simply me. And that is plenty enough.
So, I chose to hide my status on Facebook and that’s one less thing to worry about.
Present day
Moving on. The next thing I have to think about as a newly single woman is how to do things alone.
(First of all, I didn’t have a car so I had to buy a car with all of the money I had to my name. Needless to say my little $400 car looks every bit of the money I spent on it. But it works and it rolls and it cranks and that’s about the best I could have done for right now. Transportation, check.)
Going places is a bit more complicated as a single person, especially during the pandemic. All of this new freedom and I can’t do a damn thing with it. I’d like to go hiking alone but that kind of freaks people out. I’m not sure why, because I’m pretty sure men do it all the time. I am making a list in my head of all the things I’d like to do and accomplish on my own. Perhaps I’ll move to a new town and meet all new people? That sounds exciting and I see no reason why I can’t do it!
It’s a good thing I can look forward to dancing in the rain. I’m single. Single people do things like that, don’t they?
Separating out all the bills from the ex is a real pain. If it weren’t for the texts we must exchange to decide on all the little monetary things, forwarding messages from the doctor’s office, discussing what to do with the cat, we probably wouldn’t say much at all to each other right now. It’s all too sad to even discuss. But financially speaking, this entire thing is a complete nightmare for me. He is the one with a steady job in and vehicle and I am the one who stayed at home and supported running the household with my efforts and raising his daughter. Getting used to not saying “our daughter” might take me a lifetime.
Leaving a relationship is complicated when kids are involved and you weren’t married. That means there’s absolutely nothing to decide about the children. You have your kids and they have theirs. And the kids are all left to wonder what the hell just happened. But when you leave the relationship you have no rights to those children. Maintaining a relationship can be good for the kids but can also be confusing. Legally speaking, you are not their parent. Try telling that to your heart!
So, I face the world with all of these new possibilities of things I can do with and for myself, perhaps for the first time in my life, and I do that juxtaposed with the heart-wrenching sadness that I’m going through at the moment. Taking time to heal is, of course, first on my list. But with all of the financial things to hammer out, I have to apply for jobs, I have to think of where I’m going to live, I have to plan, plan, plan.
One thing I do plan to do is to spend a little more time connecting with strong single women who are out there kicking ass and not apologizing for their singleness. The mental messages I’ve received all my life is that there’s something wrong with being alone. I have to unlearn a few things, to be honest. In my heart, I am extremely introverted, and very adventurous, although I tend to prefer a lot of my adventuring to be alone. I would totally travel the world alone if given the chance. I think it gives my mind time to digest all of the sensory input and as an HSP, this is important to feeling secure and stable.
I’ll also work to build relationships that have kind of been neglected while I have poured my heart and soul into that relationship and into parenting. My boys are grown and now I’m on my own. Although this break-up happened suddenly, I intend to make the best of it.
I don’t really know how to be single, but that doesn’t mean that even at my age I can’t learn. In fact, it sounds rather empowering.
Prepare for my roar.
If you want to catch up a bit on the backstory, here’s the article that followed my break-up and what led to the demise of several other relationships — because when it rains it most certainly pours, right?
It’s a good thing I can look forward to dancing in the rain. I’m single. Single people do things like that, don’t they?
Thanks for reading this very self-absorbed article. Maybe it will help someone out there who is going through the same thing. (To those people I say this — YOU ARE ENOUGH.)
Christina M. Ward is a newly single and NOT mingling poet from North Carolina. You can follow her work here: Fiddleheads & Floss, social media, Author Newsletter.