Healing as conscious expression.

This is the end of week 4 post surgery. I tore my ACL almost 5 months ago. Physically I have seen so much progress in my body, some days I’m in awe at just how miraculous the human body truly is.

Up until January of 2016, I had never broken a bone, never had a sprain or any major surgical operation in my life. What I thought I knew about an injury is so far from what I’m actually learning going through it. You can’t know. Until you actually go through it. You don’t gain that kind of empathy for others, that kind of body consciousness or surrender, until you are presented with an opportunity that almost forces you to do it. You still have somewhat of a choice of course, to heal from the injury/illness/situation by blaming, ignoring and sinking into depression. But. What if you decide you want to learn from the experience instead. Be a student to it, understand why it happened, how it is here to actually help you, not harm you.

Each day is completely knew from the day before. And not in the pretty sentiment saying of, “make everyday new!” No, no. It is, yesterday I walked from my bed to the bathroom without using the wall and today I can barely bend my knee. I have to reprogram my mind each day to reset. To let go of what yesterday brought and my expectations of what today will bring. Do I have expectations for myself? Of coarse. I believe in my body and the rich inner depths of strength that reside within me. A teacher of yoga, a rock climber, a spontaneous dancer, surfer, mountain biker, a mover, shaker, active movement enthusiast, my body is my sanctuary. Yet, I have to release my need to control the outcome by my previous standards of living. Everything that once was, is now different.

The most interesting thing I’m learning from this injury is that it was meant to happen. A dear friend told me that each time she’s been injured, she refelcted on how something in her life needed to shift in some way. That the injury was there to teach and guide her through a new manifestation. I needed to deal with some pretty heavy shit I’d spent years moving away from, pretending it wasn’t there. Of coarse I wasn’t going to take on all of it, good lord that’s why we have a lifetime not 5 minutes to evolve! Baby steps. Things began to surface when I was immobile and couldn’t physically hide from the darker pieces of myself. I had to be still, it greeted me smack in the face and I decided then I wasn’t going to hide. I wanted to be raw, real and honest with myself. For it was only me that was going to do the work on healing myself. No one was going to come to my house and ask me if I did a comfrey poultice last night, if I got out of bed and did my physical therapy exercises, if I ate my veggies instead of a big chocolate cookie. Healing is a balance of having help around you, because you cannot do it all by yourself, and having discernment for yourself by finding a way and making it happen. And yes. Somedays, I ate the damn cookie and it was awesome.

So this is me. Sharing myself as my most vulnerable being. Having an outlet to release what needs to be let go inside of me, in healing through expression.