My Shortened Life
I am not going to live forever. Nobody is. Some people might live 90 years. Some might only like 50 or 60. I fall into the 70 category. Maybe less. It is sad to hear. It’s sad for you. It’s sad for me. 70 years seems like a lot, but it really isn’t. That’s why I live life to the max.
I hear all the time to keep positive. Well, I do. But, I also stay realistic. You never know when you are going to leave this world. It’s hard to say positive when every doctor tells you a new diagnosis at each appointment. At one appointment, my kidneys are being damaged. At another appointment, there is something wrong with my heart. You get numb to this bad news.
I have had a lot of diagnoses and a few to come. Each one of these takes years off my life. Each one of these takes away my quality of life. Diabetes- 13 years. Gastroparesis- No years taken off but quality of life decreased significantly. Left leg paralysis- Movement diminshed. Possible heart condition- No years but a flight of stairs makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Possible kidney damage- No years as of yet but may require a transplant later.
What stumps the doctor is the why. Why is my body failing? Why did my leg become paralyzed seemingly overnight? Why are all these problems coming now and at once? I have been tested for every disease they could think of. I have nothing completely serious. At times, it feels like I am dying. My heartrate is over 100 at rest. I am out of breath. My stomach is bloated and causing extreme pain. My leg feels like it is being squeezed in a vice. But we don’t know why.
My life may not be diminished a huge amount of time but, my quality of life will shorten my life. There will be a point in my life when my legs can no longer walk to the bathroom. My stomach will no longer be able to digest food and I will have to go on IV nutrition that will damage my liver. My heart will start pumping at weird paces and I will have to get a pacemaker. My bladder will no longer be able to release on command. My eyes will stop seeing what the world has to offer. My fingers will no longer be able to button a shirt. My arms will no longer be able to lift spoons and forks to my mouth. I am not saying it’s guaranteed to happen but it is very likely. I have seen teenagers my age start having the symptoms I have and they are in a wheelchair within a year.
This is why I will live life to the fullest. If I see something and there is a chance I want to do it, I will do it. I have a bucket list. It’s not things I want to do before I die. It’s things I want to do before my body fails me and keeps me bed ridden. It’s my shortened life and it won’t shorten my happiness.
