AlexGottaEat #321: a garlic & cheddar/pepper jack loaf

A fortnight or so ago, while I was procrastinating on Janet Jackson’s Internet, a recipe for “RED LOBSTER’S [CHESSE] BISCUIT IN A LOAF PAN” floated down my Facebook timeline, cured my spiritual ashiness, and set me free.

I had already dabbled in the cheddar bay arts and built chicken sammich kingdoms with cheese grits-filled moats with Red Lobster’s boxed biscuit bonanza. The idea of my own private king-sized cheddar bay biscuit parted the clouds and gave me hope for a better, brighter future, one free of ashiness, coleslaw, and dumpster-hearted presidential swampdonkeys. A happier time.

A few of my favorite fellow calorie-positive foodporn purveyors and I sang of food pairings and envisioned accompanying begravied masterpieces and bread-based marriage proposals. Someone suggested this as a French toast base. And: “I’m gonna put some peach and ginger jam on this!” My titties began to sweat from all the excitement.

Now that ricemaking no longer inspires ancestral shame-inspired diarrhea or stress, I’m striving for excellence in other areas of my culinary life.

Enter: bread. (And sauces.)

the dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, salt, cayenne & black pepper, and dry thyme

I love to eat her, but moving beyond just-add-water pancakes, hand-dancing through the dough-based anxiety impeding my empanada mastery, and swan-diving into the world of breadbaking has always terrified me. While coaching me on achieving the correct dough texture during an empanada lesson years ago, Grandma told me as she finally allowed me to put my washed and rewashed fingers into the dough she’d loved on, “You just have to know.” Uh, okay. I’ve been working up the courage to work some dough since then.

Since two of my personal mandates for the year are to

1. choose joy more often, and
2. cook like a motherfucker because #TheresFoodatHome2020,

I knew this was Saint Damita Jo speaking to me, pushing me to be my greatest, most joyous and butter-coated self. This recipe — and my recent kitchen successes — gave me the nerve to make it rain baking powder. And so here we are.

More than a nourishing nibbler during post-bustdown Red Lobster fêtes, the so-called cheddar bay biscuit is a bite-sized beacon of hope, a mighty manifestation of abundance. It unites three of my favorite of Janet Jackson’s inventions — garlic, bread, and cheese — in one majestic mouth-pleasing matrimony. Damn the skrimp boats and Spongebob’s deep-fried friends at the Seafood House that Beyoncé built. It’s about those biscuits, plair. A whole pan of those shits to devour at my own speed without shame sounded dangerous. Sign me the fuck up.

But somehow, the recipe I referenced is garlic-free? *GASP* And so are versions on ten other sites all published by Joyless Motherfuckers-R-Us employees. The lengths to which soul-infiltrating deathbots will go to destroy humanity is astounding. Clearly, someone has never moseyed into and contemplated biscuit hoarding in an actual, factual Red Lobster. Oh, the deception.

the wet girls, in formation

I made some updates for the greater good of society. To bless your soul and let love in with this Garlic Cheddar & Pepper Jack Bread, you will need:

• 3 c flour
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/4 tsp black pepper
• 1/2 tbsp garlic powder
• 1/8 tsp dry thyme
• 4 oz cheddar cheese, cut into 1/4 in cubes
• 4 oz pepper jack cheese, cut into 1/4 in cubes
• 1 3/4 c milk
• 3/4 c sour cream
• 3 tbsp butter, melted
• 1 large egg, lightly beaten

Optional (for steeping milk & turning the mouthparty out with even mo’ flavor):

• 1/2 small onion, cut in 4 large chunks
• 1 bay leaf
• 2 garlic cloves, smashed
• 2 sprigs of fresh thyme

For the garlic butter topping, because you love yourself:

• 3 tbsp butter, melted
• 1/2 tsp garlic powder
• 1/4 tsp dried thyme (or 1/4 tsp chopped fresh parsley leaves)

Equipment needed:

• loaf pan (or wedding cake molds? — I don’t know your life!)
• large bowl
• smaller yet equally important bowl
• small saucepan or pot
• small strainer
• shisk
• knife
• hunger

The first time I made the recipe, I didn’t stray far from the basic recipe that had been circulating, like a scary-ass bitch. I added garlic powder to my flour mixture because I love myself, but, in my zeal to cut her open and dip her into some gravy, forgot the garlic butter moment on top. We all fall down. The original bot-born recipe uses zero garlic or thyme, half the cayenne, and just cheddar. Again, get it how you live.

onions, garlic, bay leaves, thyme, and milk for the steeping

Inspired by The Kitchenista’s legendary macaroni and cheese recipe, wherein she steeps milk with onion and bay leaf before adding it to her roux, I now steep my milk with onion, a bay leaf, smashed garlic cloves, and fresh thyme sprigs for recipes whenever possible. I even steeped my coconut milk for my coconut rice and YES. Shoutout to The Kitchenista for helping me let my soul glow. Cooking and baking like a motherfucker have been therapeutic and calming ways to ease into 2020 and reconnect with my foremothers during Blackety Black Folks Month. I made loaves numbers seven (“Rudy”) and eight (“Judy”) on today.

A few notes:

1. I prefer chopping and cubing blocks of cheese over sprinkling pre-shredded cheeses into the flour mixture. The cheese cubettes and the resulting pockets of melty cheesejoy dancing all up and through the loaf are sexier (to me) and better for unclumped dispersal throughout the flour mixture than the cheese globs that the shredded cheese gave me. (I used shredded cheese on loaf #4 and I find it to be more cheese bread-like in texture. It works in a crunch, but…)
2. Yes, you can skip the milk steeping and use regular degular milk. It’s still good.
3. Get freaky-deaky and swap out pepper jack for smoked gouda or whichever cheese puts a little rooter in your tooter. Or: both slash and, because abundance! (Use a wee less of each if inviting a third to play, perhaps?)

mr. cheddar & house mother pepper jack laBeija chillaxing before showtime

Before preheating the oven:

1. Chop and cube the cheese(s).
2. Add milk, your onion, bay leaf, smashed garlic cloves, and thyme sprigs to a small pot or saucepan. Heat the milk just until that pre-percolating point — warm but not boiling — then bring the party down to a nice, calming simmer for about 10 minutes, stirring regularly. Remove from heat and let cool. (After evaporation & straining, you’ll only use 1 1/4 cups of milk.)

Now, with thine prep work done:

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9×5 loaf pan with oil. Or cooking spray. It’s your world.
2. In a bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt, cayenne pepper, black pepper, dried thyme, and garlic powder.
3. Fold in cheese cubes until they’re covered in flour mixture. This ensures the cheesey splendor is evenly dispersed throughout the dancerie.
4. In a different bowl, combine the remaining ingredients (sour cream, egg, butter). Strain steeped milk into the bowl. Whisk it up.
5. Fold the wet mixture into the flour and cheese mixture. Mix just until combined and there’s no flour left behind. Don’t overdo the forced integration.
6. Spread the mixture into the greased up loaf pan. Bake for 45–50 minutes, or most of a Janet Jackson album. Remove from oven.
7. In a bowl, melt three tablespoons of butter and stir in garlic powder and three pinches of thyme. Brush onto top and sides bread. Place under broiler for 5–7 minutes.
8. Let cool for one Janet Jackson song before removing from pan to slice and serve.

This will bless your soul. And it makes a great gift or potluck contribution. Try it out and report back.