Halloween Creatures Ranked by Spookiness

Everyone knows that Halloween is the best holiday. Candy, costumes and camp — what’s not to love?

Here’s the definitive listing of Halloween creatures and their spookiness score.

Bigfoot

This is clearly a man in an ape costume. Not spooky.

The legend of Bigfoot is that there’s a large bipedal hairy humanoid roaming the Pacific Northwest. For those who have been to Portland, this is not even remotely surprising. All the stories about Bigfoot involve sightings, not attacks, making Bigfoot less scary than a bear.

Verdict: not spooky

Clowns

Seriously, who thought this was appropriate for children’s birthdays??

Clowns are having A Moment these days. For those of us who’ve always known how creepy clowns are, we’re just glad the rest of y’all are woke to the Clown Threat.

Verdict: 2spooky4me

Ghosts

Meh.

Disembodied spirits are, by nature, incapable of causing physical harm. A little eerie, at most.

Verdict: a little spooky

Mummies

The most malicious thing this mummy is doing is teaching Mary-Kate and Ashley really lame dance moves

More camp than creep. Also, “mummy” sounds too much like “mommy” and moms are the best.

Verdict: not spooky

Poltergeists

The only thing creepier than a malevolent ghost is one that’s teamed up with a creepy child

An invisible, disembodied creature that can throw things and possess people? No thanks. Poltergeist accounts are scary af.

Verdict: p spooky

Skeletons

Memento mori, motherfuckers!

Skeletons are half reminders of human mortality and half hilarious.

Verdict: 3spooky5me, also lol

Vampires

Vampires are about sex, this isn’t up for debate

Life is a rich tapestry, and so is human sexuality. That’s all I have to say on this matter.

Verdict: not spooky, but maybe hot if you’re into that sort of thing

Witches

I wanna be a witch when I grow up

Witches are only spooky because y’all are afraid of powerful women. Don’t deny it.

Verdict: not spooky, unless you’re the patriarchy.

Zombies

EACH OF THESE CORPSES HAD A LIFE, A HISTORY, PEOPLE WHO LOVED THEM. AND NOW THEY’RE ROTTING MINDLESS BRAIN-EATERS.

Zombies are the most terrifying creatures to ever exist or be invented. ANIMATED ROTTING CORPSES WHO WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS. MAYBE YOUR DEAD LOVED ONE IS COMING TO EAT YOU RIGHT NOW. THAT IS SCARY AS SHIT.

Verdict: 5spooky7me. Infinite spooky. Please save me from the zombies.