Cross Discipline Creativity: SFW Client Negotiation Tactics Learned From BDSM

Cross Discipline Creativity — the utilization of proven tactics and strategies in uncommon environments — is the catalyst for effective Growth Hacking and a staple of the education within the Ghost Influence community as a result.

The moment Christina first caught my eye, she was wearing pink fuzzy boots and a matching vest that—seemingly devoid of ties, clasps, or a zipper to secure it across her midline—showed the inner lines of her breasts and a gaggle of beauty marks; each with more character than the last.

This grabbed my attention; it wasn’t what formed my impression.

Far more than her dusty Burning Man garb and the artful figure which it adorned; it was the look she flashed when she caught me looking.

Fierce as her fire red hair, but curious like her catlike cheekbones; she had a knowing smile that was as warm as it was intense.

Christina’s physical description might not seem to provide context that’s particularly relevant, but it paints a picture… and that’s kind of the point.

When you’re negotiating, obtaining or bringing about by discussion, you’re developing a shared portrait of expectations and pathways through which you plan to collaboratively create that reality.

The friendship Christina and I developed survived the Playa as wine fueled philosophical conversations have since become a regular occurrence.

As an aerialist, fetish performer, and Shibari (Japanese bondage) artist; Christina and I rarely have boring conversations. Over the past weeks, a regular staple of our conversations have been the processes for consent and negotiation that preface a BDSM Scene.

A BSDM Scene is a pre-planned space where BDSM activities take place. Scenes are discussed fully and consist of an agreed upon beginning, middle, and end.

Power exchange between a dominant and submissive partner is common a feature in BDSM Scenes. A typical scene may or may not include sexual activity.

Having learned interpersonal communication through painful trial and error (not “flogs and nipple clamps” kind of painful, but painful nonetheless), the potential for knowledge within ‘methods for developing mutually safe spaces to negotiate sexual boundaries’ was intensely alluring.

The more our ongoing dialogue evolved, the more my mind began to see the parallels in negotiating other relationships; particularly… those with clients.

While attending a party at my friend David’s house, Christina demonstrated how to suggest and assess activities within the negotiation process.

Switching instantly from warm conversationalist to a laser beam of intensity, she looked across me—into the twinkling eyes of the freckled girl that had unwittingly walking into our conversation moments prior—and asked,

“How would you feel if I bent you over and pulled your hair?”

Her eyebrows jumped in unison with the upward flutter of her chest as we watched her eyes rapidly dilate when Christina added, “see… I don’t even need a verbal answer. That’s clearly something she’s into.”

She continued, “now if I said ‘I want to paddle your ass until you bleed’ …” we watched as she quickly furrowed her brow and pulled away, “…and that’s obviously something she doesn’t want to experience.”

I was reminded of the intuitive nature behind Christina’s knowing smile.

“How would you feel if…” is a brilliant lead for a question.

With our capacity for empathy diminished by the consistent utilization of communication through technological means, we often don’t know how to express what we feel as well as our bodies are able to show physically.

The purpose of these tactics wouldn’t be the negotiation of a better fee; rather, once terms have been established and the fee has been paid, this will enable the engagement to facilitate a mutually positive experience.

Asking a client “how would you feel if your campaign didn’t begin to show results until the second month of our engagement?” would seem to set the foundation for (re)establishing expectations regarding delivery timelines and communicational processes for alleviating common anxieties.

The following day, I texted Christina for help and started to research what else could be learned and leveraged from communicational practices in the BDSM community. The more she shared, the more comparisons appeared.

In the context of a BDSM Scene, negotiation is defined as…

A way to ensure consent that’s constant, iterative, and enthusiastic
A way to assess and agree upon acceptable risk within the scene
A sexy, fun, kinky way to get to know someone, and plan something exciting

Countersigned contracts and wire transfer confirmations were, reflecting on my youth, believed to be universal consent—permission to do whatever my expertise deemed a positive catalyst for their business. When my activities brought in millions in revenue, my client refused to (as per the terms of our contract) pay my sales commission because he “didn’t understand how my activities were a result of his recent jump in revenue.” No amount of data analytics could sway his opinion because consent hadn’t been constant.

I had delivered results, but I hadn’t brought the client along in the process.

The Negotiation Workshop handout Christina sent me continued:

Negotiation is a skill, you will improve with practice. Everyone screws it up or forgets something sometimes; don’t harp on your mistakes, learn from them.

You need only be better than you were yesterday.

Negotiation does not mean obligation — if you have negotiated something, you don’t have to do it. You do not have to scene with anyone, even if you’ve spent hours negotiating with them.

Relationships that start bad usually get worse in a hurry. You don’t need to move forward if you don’t feel comfortable. Gut feelings exist for a reason.

The lessons within BDSM negotiations enable further development of gut feelings and help to develop pathways for communication that create mutually rewarding engagements. Here’s how the process works:

Create The Sandbox

The purpose of negotiating BDSM Scenes is to map a safe space to explore.

There is an imbalance of power (expertise) and it must be addressed.

Negotiation should take place between equals, between two or more adults, consider eliminating or severely reducing power dynamics to make sure everyone feels safe owning what they do and don’t want.

Failing to address the power dynamic has resulted in suggestions being rejected offhand because the recipient is “not familiar with their market or business.” Once a someone has entrenched themselves in the “you don’t get me” headspace it’s nearly impossible to salvage the relationship.

Intimate communication (sharing feelings) atop professional relationships enable the parties involved to connect freely and work more effectively as a result. Establishing social relationships with clients has made them far more receptive to suggestions of experimentation; the initiatives that tend to cost the least, perform the best, and yet be terrifying in their unfamiliarity.

Gather Negotiation Elements

Try not to make assumptions — ask and check-in instead.

Business decisions are typically assumed to be confined within the logical analysis of our neocortex and yet they’re often developed with the intuitive nature of our limbic brain—the origin of our gut feeling. The direction and tone of a client’s gut feelings are often determined by their understanding of the initiative, how it’s to be executed, and what can be expected. Whether working with a Founder or CMO, establishing emotional comfort is crucial.

What is your level of experience?

As someone with no firsthand experience with a BDSM Scene, the notion of the unknown was threatening. Yet, the intellectual curiosity that sparked my conversations with Christina had an unexpected impact;

Knowledge of the process changed the way I felt about the activity.

“I trust you… I just don’t know about ___.” ~ Former Clients

Looking back on that all too common statement, the problem was in itself defining the solution; they needed more insight about the process.

What is your risk tolerance?

Risk is defined as a “situation involving exposure to danger.”
Danger is defined as “the possibility of suffering harm or injury.”

Risk does not always precede injury.

Whether BDSM or business, everyone has a different tolerance for risk. By assessing a client’s risk tolerance, you can clarify potential outcomes and make their concept of risk (often attributed the unknown) seem less risky.

In BDSM there are “calibration spanks” that facilitate this; online you can target advertising at smaller audiences to get a feel for the response.

What are signs of distress?

Predefining ‘risk’ doesn’t guarantee distress won’t be experienced.

This notion was one of the more impactful takeaways from my research into BDSM. Having this discussion in advance of engagements clears a pathway for communicating distress before it becomes fear. Once a client has become fearful, they’re typically unwilling to venture into the unknown.

How do you like to communicate during the scene?

Communicational styles change within the context of an engagement.

Just as loquacious individuals can be entirely silent during sex, so too can clients shift their communicational styles once contracts are signed. What’s surprising to me is how—until now—I’d explored this in the moment and never considered the possibility of making a direct inquiry before we began.

Establish The Aftercare

Aftercare refers specifically to the attention given to a partner (usually the bottom) at the end of a Scene in an effort to provide comfort after an intense experience that can leave an individual in a vulnerable state (source: bdsmwiki)

The notion of negotiating “aftercare” was by an large the most fascinating discovery within my research. As Christina suggested, “sometimes all it takes is a text message asking how I’m doing, sent a few days after, to reestablish my power outside of a scene.” I’ve often offered debriefs to clients in advance of an engagement, but I’ve never considered it as a service in itself.

Is there anything we need to do before our scene to make it the overall best experience for both of us? Do you want cuddles and sugary things?

What do think you will need immediately afterwards?

Achieving results, sure… but what else? Do you need specific numbers or trends that will appease potential investors? Would you like to stack large scale organic conversion events (aka viral) to facilitate … Christmas in July?

Do you have someone who can help you through it or do we need to keep in contact and work through it together?

How will you handle any problems that may come up?

If, for example, advertising campaigns were setup within an engagement it’s necessary to understand who will take them over upon its conclusion. If, once established and performing, they’re to be passed to an intern for management, I’ll involve them in the process to facilitate the transition.

For you, the reader, I have one question…

How did this article make you feel?

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