older sister
there was a time where you were everything I wanted to be
coolest,funniest,awesome
the best style in town, a beautiful voice, love of all, especially my parents
you were family, an older sister I never had
dried my tears of my first failure, praised me when I thought no one else would. if I could have given you the world I would have.
what a fool, what a fool, what a fool
you always left me for your others and gave in to their words
that’s the girl that’s 7 but is just a big baby! she can’t even ride a bicycle yet!
I always forgave you, you always said it was cause they were your best friends and that they didn’t like me. I hung to the fact that you still played with me and my dollies when they others weren’t there.
i loved you so much.
i showed you my heart when it was shattered and you made picking up the glass pieces so much easier making me ignore how bloody my hands were getting.
i showed you my heart when it felt the joy of a first crush and you squealed alongside me at every heart fluttering message sent,
i showed you my heart when I was so scared of eating broccoli and you refused to even though it was your favourite just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed
i showed you my heart when I wanted to strut a new outfit I worked so hard on and you twirled me around saying I looked just like a runway model.
you’ve seen it all.
yet
why when I finally saw who you were
every piece of my heart that you ever touch felt like
nails piercing through
needles stabbing
spiked chains tightening
how could those words be yours
hands losing strength, breath getting shallow, vision blurring
my head had never felt more pain but I guess constant tears outweighed chronic migraines
“shes not worth anything to me, she’s just a [REDACTED] I’m just stuck with her. shes so lonely, I’m just doing some charity work ”
“shes just keeps telling me everything! and I have to play along for so long cause our parents are friends. everything she does is so annoying. how could anyone want to be her friend honestly ”
was it all an act? was the past 7 years? all an act?
no longer do believe in friends
i cant accept kindness anymore because what if it’s all an act
friends made only out of pity
no longer do I see a friendly smile as genuine
I was never meant to see those words
and I still smile and laugh with you
but those very mere lines
changed me
sceptical of any kindness
walls arose, afraid of opening-up
cowardly shying from starting conversation
cause what if they’re being kind because the pity a lonely girl
or they pretend to console me only to be seen as a burden
this wasn’t the change I wished for
I’m no longer the same because of you
Yet I still wonder would I have been as happy
in the cherished past, I once shared with you
if only I knew you
