re-tackling an old piece of homework i failed to actually answer

i swear this does not actually live in my head rent free
the adhd squirrels in my brain just like to make my life a lot worse by reminding me of stupid shit i did/did not do in the past

i don’t even know what counts as writing anymore so apart from the occasional not-really-poetic type rants i also write fanfiction! let me promote my ao3 account-//plane flies past

Write a post on your class Medium based on the following prompt: What are some of the values and beliefs you hold strongly to?

head in my hands. an empty page, a blank screen. the cursor blinks.
wow, i really want to bite something.
i lean back, resting my head on my chair to stare up at the equally blank ceiling.

damn. values. what exactly are values? google says its something like your morals or some other bullshit that every single shounen protag would possess and heavily emphasise on. vaguely gesturing. i don’t see how this can apply to me. i’m not a shounen protag. or at least i hope i’m not, i don’t think im capable of singlehandedly saving the fucking world, not that i would care enough to do so.

i think that the recent years have deeply changed the depth of which i care.
our generation lives in the aftermath of many terrible incidents, like the 9/11 terrorist attack and world war 2. one might think that i have no right to comment on these events since they didn’t affect me personally nor did i live through them, but how can i not when the effects left by these events are still felt today?

living in a world where we regard people as threats or lesser than us based on their skin colour or their ethnicity. how are we able to pretend that everything is right? how are we able to stomach this injustice, just because it’s not directed to us specifically? weren’t we promised a world of equity? why are we willing to be swept along this wave of hatred, making no moves to stop the cycle of abuse?
i don’t want to be one of the crowd. i don’t want to turn a blind eye to this. i guess this marks one of my values.

i wish this was a world where being nice to others and treating them equally and accepting them as how they want to present themselves was… a given. i wish some people did not have to fight for their right to exist. i wish some people would not claim that it’s their right to disregard other’s existence as it goes against the ‘natural order’ that they made up in their own heads.
this is another one of my values.

these few years, i find it hard to bring myself to care. most of the people i see on the streets have no problem going about their day with their eyes covered by screens and ears blocked by their chosen noises. most people would not stop to help someone cross the road, donate a few coins or admire the flowers we see along the road. when i was a child, i could never tear my eyes away from these sights, my cat-like curiousity had me asking “but why?” to multiple exasperated adults who liked to do nothing but shoot down my unecessary questions and tell me to just focus on the task at hand. others always told me to keep my hands behind my back, my eyes downcast and to pay attention only to me. and to them, when they asked for it. otherwise, i was just a doll on a shelf whose only job was to sit still and look pretty. just for a couple of pictures, then i was out of their minds.

i had wished for them to pay more attention then. i had wished for everyone to at least look at me once. but now… i would like nothing more than to simply fade into the background, forgotten by everyone including close family and friends. don’t perceive me, i would joke. i’m not real.
i suppose this is another one of my values, or perhaps it could be considered a fear, with escapism as a way to cope.

i find myself unable to sit myself down and to explain why i find it hard to care. but how can i care, when others don’t? how can i care when i’ve been berated to not countless times before? how can i care when i know it won’t make a difference?

i don’t think i would cry if a stranger died on the streets right in front of me. countless tragedies happen daily, why would i have to waste my tears on a regular occurance? the most i can bother to say is wow that kinda sucks man rip to u lol and let the conversation die out, screen fizzling into black and leaving me staring at my dead-fisheyed blank stare. seriously, what am i supposed to say in these situations? rip to u but i cant help u tho youre on your own xoxo??? what the hell is comforting people.

anyone remember my not-poem by the title of greyscale? that was supposed to talk about my whole *vaguely gestures* feelings on how apathetic society is today. if someone were to get hit by a truck or fall on the ground having a seizure, the general public’s first reaction would be to whip out their phones and snap away, or start a livestream to talk about the “crazy shit!!” they just witnessed. none of them would even think of calling an ambulance or going forward to offer help, everyone assumes someone else would do it.
for those who claim that even though society is apathetic, i should not follow in its footsteps. you claim i should be the one to take initiative to be the one who helps. but do i fucking owe that to you, or society, to be the one who helps? trust me when i say i tried, trust me when i say i’m tired, trust me when i say i don’t want to be the one who helps anymore.

i would be lying if i said i do not want to care again. i do want to be one who helps make the world better, even if my efforts are insignificant. but with the way the world is now, i seem to lean towards just letting it go to shit. why should we slave away working towards a paradise, that most of the world wouldn’t appreciate or be grateful for? people are greedy, you could give them everything you had, everything you could steal, everything you could kill f or and they would still want more. the moment you’re no longer useful you’re being cast aside like trash and they crush you beneath the soles of their feet because now you’re only a cretin stealing their resources, which in their words, could be redirected to someone who has much more potential of slaving away at their mercy. someone who would not see the flaws in their system. someone who would have no means of fighting back, and would unknowingly lend their hands to this fight for continuing systematic oppression.

the thrones you all sit on are built on millennia of genocide.

i wish to see you all burn.

not literally, of course! i’m still a law abiding citizen, just really angry at criminals, you know? :D

but i suppose this is one of my values, wanting to watch the world know what to cherish, and what to discard.

i lost track of what i actually wanted to say in this rant, courtesy of the squrriels in my adhd monkey brain, so just take this while i log off and go cry about the lastest fanfic im reading (because i cannot seem to cry otherwise)(the only other time im crying is when im rewatching violet evergarden episode 10)

bye also please subscribe to my ao3 where i will write the most angsty fanfiction because i like making my favourite characters suffer-//another plane flies past