— I told him that we need to sit down and talk about where is this all going. I want to know where are we now, where things are headed and how will we deal with this situation. I need to have clarity.
— Oh, darling. You know I love you but that’s not how it’ supposed to work. What you’re doing now is controlling the relationship. I know what you want because I want the same thing:
A man who will take you by the hand, claim you as his woman and lead the relationship. You want him to bring you home, throw you against the door, bend you over and make love to you. You want him to decide where to take you, how to surprise you and ultimately, to ask you to be his wife. You want him to take charge.
— Oh my god... Yes. That’s what I want.
— Then you gotta let him lead.
Three years ago I was a girl who didn’t know anything about relationships. I was just going with the flow.
Three years ago I was a girl who didn’t know anything about men. I was just going with the flow.
Three years ago I didn’t know anything about myself. I was just going with the flow.
I thought I did know a lot. But I knew nothing.
Three years ago I broke up with a man I deeply loved. But I wasn’t making him or myself happy. I didn’t know why back then. I know it now.
The quest into discovering and learning about relationship dynamics is the quest into your own self. Into your own fears, limiting beliefs and patterns.
My quest into self-awareness, relationships and men started innocently as a hobby. I decided to start my own podcast.
I was on a very serious mission: to get to know men.
What is really inside them? What do they feel and dream about? Is it really all about sex, money and Rock’ Roll? Are they really emotionless robots that are very simple, straightforward and drama free?
I saw so many differences between us and them. Especially between how we, women, think about men and how men really are.
My quest turned out to be the biggest transformation of what I knew about relationships, men and myself.
In two years I’ve interviewed 43 men from all walks of life. From pornstars to bartenders, Brazilians, chefs, writers, dating coaches, entrepreneurs, matchmakers, and tantra sex teachers. My biggest pride and accomplishment was the interview with John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and 17 other books on relationships.
During these two years, I have not only interviewed men and asked them about what they find attractive in a woman, their biggest fears and their stories. I have also dived deep into the subject of relationship dynamics and polarity, femininity, masculinity, and love.
As a result of all this “work”, I have met the man I started to yearn for a long time ago. I even wrote him a letter a year before we have met. Nine months later we were engaged and are getting ready to get married in September.
One of the biggest lessons I learned during this “man quest” was that men will rise and step up if we, women, let them. Oftentimes we don’t trust our men to deal with important issues of life and we need to change that.
Unfortunately, a lot of modern men were raised in the absence of proper male role models and fatherly figures. Their fathers might have been physically there but their masculine essence was not. The “rights of passage” from boyhood into manhood were missed. Boys were not taught how to become and be men. They simply didn’t have an example and didn’t have anyone to learn from.
Besides their mothers, of course.
My personal opinion is that it is very hard for a woman to raise a man without the help of proper male mentors or role models. Of course, there are brilliant exceptions. But I feel like all men who managed to become mature men have arrived there with great help from external resources in the form of other male teachers or mentors.
And so oftentimes in romantic relationships, women are left to deal with adult men who are still boys. Who didn’t see a proper male/female dynamic and polarity in their homes or their societies.
So, of course, we start taking charge.
Because… who else will?
Of course, we start earning the money, managing the household income and taking care of all the children (including our men.) We become everything for everyone. We stop doing anything for ourselves and we do everything for others. In fact, we are not letting anyone do anything for us. We take all problems, incomes, and housework on our own backs, we pile it up and we keep going. The older we get, the bigger our pile of responsibilities becomes and we become more and more rigid, exhausted, angry and unfulfilled.
Female resilience is much stronger than male resilience. Females have this undeniable quality and strength to push through, to hold on and persevere in spite of everything.
I once was a control freak. I was the micromanager. I wanted everything to go as planned and for me to be in charge of everything. Including my relationship and my man. Only later I found out that this is a recipe for failure not only to a healthy relationship with a masculine man but also to life.
Life was just so hard. I was exhausted. I was doing too much for everyone else and expecting too much from others. I wanted everyone to love me and give me the attention I deserve only to be disappointed in people yet again. I was proving everything to everyone. I didn’t feel supported, I didn’t feel appreciated and I didn’t feel fulfilled.
So after doing the inner work and discovering some fundamental truths about my core feminine energy, I decided to let it go. I was done. I decided to let the world and the men take care of me.
And boy, everything changed.
And it turned out that I really didn’t need to work that hard. If I just let others, and especially men, help me — they will.
Take the lead, show me the way — I’ll follow.
Sexual polarity between the feminine and masculine core is important to understand to live a fully balanced, passionate life and to achieve a healthy dynamic in a partnership.
“One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax.”
* * *
“The energy that moves life is the force of the Feminine. She is unstoppable. She is the source of all life, the mover of blood, the breather of breath, the flow of the river’s water. The Feminine is life. We can feel Her moving and living in any moment we are open to Her, or as Her.”
― David Deida
I was getting more and more connected to my feminine core. I started feeling it deeply. And I started feeling the masculine too.
My first lesson in letting men lead was in dance. Yes, dance. And yes, literally, I had to learn how to close my eyes and just let him salsa the hell out of me.
It was hard in the beginning. I knew the moves better than my partners did. I knew what he was going to do next. I could feel how nervous he was to lead me to dance. I could feel his palms breaking into a sweat.
But I learned to be patient and let him lead. I gave him the opportunity to step up. Even when he was clumsy, doubtful or shaky. I danced.
I was going to salsa and bachata classes twice a week and I absolutely loved it. There was something about those four hours a week that made me feel free, easy and satisfied. Feminine, open and connected.
I was thrilled to go to a social dance and be invited to dance by any man not knowing what will happen next. I learned to trust men. I surrendered to his masculine to take me where we need to go. And I danced.
Freedom. Passion. Magic.
Slowly I started implementing my “salsa” lessons in life. I stopped being the “know it all Anna” constantly giving directions, planning our dates and telling him what to do. I just kind of pretended not to know or not to care.
— What would you like to do tonight? Where would you like to eat? Where shall we go? Should I turn left or right? How shall I go about it?
— … Mmmm… I‘m not sure… Surprise me!
And he did. He got creative, he took charge and he paid the bills.
In time he didn’t ask anymore. He was just planning it all and just letting me know what time we’re meeting and where and whether I should bring my toothbrush.
I started attracting men who had their shit together and who were mature men. I felt safe and protected with them. Because I let them be this way. I had faith in them. I saw the good in men. I started asking for help. I stopped pretending I can do it all.
Men love to be around women who are free and easy. When she’s there in her full feminine presence and joy. Mature men will love our wild crazy full nature too. Because they will know how to deal with it and stand strong through it. The feminine is alluring to men. They want to conquer it.
He wants to lead you to where you both will be happy and free. You just need to let him. You just need to trust him. Even if you’re not sure. Trust that he will get you there.
Being in that energy is liberating and empowering. I don’t feel like I need to build a million dollar company to prove my success as a woman. I would be much happier if I create my own craft and yoga studio and feed my creative potential doing what I love. Or if I have a job that I love showing up to every day. Or if I choose to home school my children and learn sewing in the meantime. Whatever will make me feel free, creative and fulfilled.
“Happy wife, happy life,” they say.
When women are happy in their feminine, when they are truly enjoying themselves and life, the whole world spins in a particular direction of love, joy, and freedom.
But It all started with me.
Suddenly men started to feel needed by me. My romantic partners, waiters, bosses, friends, and relatives. Not because they changed. Because I changed.
Cause honestly, that’s pretty much their whole purpose in life: to be needed. By us women. By their families. And by the world. A man is here on a mission. He is here to find his purpose and pursue it fearlessly. The world needs men and their determination, strength, laser-focused ambitions and action in order to make shit happen. For us. For all of us.
I’m not saying women can’t do the same. Of course, we can. And we know we can. We have proved it to ourselves, men and the world. But we can choose an easier way. We can be girls and stay girls. We can lead in a feminine way — not telling him what to do and taking everything into our hands. We can lead with our deep intuition, wisdom and emotional intelligence. We can lead teams, companies, and countries. By being women.
The dance of feminine and masculine together in a partnership is what I believe the world needs more of.
It’s all blurry now. I can’t see. It’s dark. My vision is distorted. I see women being men and men being women. It’s all a mix now. I don’t feel comfortable in it. Maybe I am a conservative or an old-school odd millennial feminist. But maybe I just want my man to be a man. And maybe a lot of women want it too but are afraid to say it.
I want us to play our roles. For him to hold me and support me. For me to encourage and trust him. For us to create space for each other to grow, be more, accomplish more. Together.
The “Feminine” Anna Rova
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