Flux

The past is flowing
5 years of history are rushing through me and I am scared
All of the things I’ve assumed dead
Were coagulated and clogged together on my walls
Now they are leaving but not unnoticed
They are screaming their presence as a vengeance
I’m both afraid and relieved
Letting go of the weight I had no clue I had
Even my shoulders are wider and stronger than they used to be.
The moon stares at me and I ask, sobbing, for Her healing touch
A string of silver light descends from Her and rises from me
So strongly I almost rose from the bed.
The mattress is a witness of the past
Of the way the memories climb down me with sharp knives
Each counting days, carved on my flesh, as prisoners.
I need to fill in this new emptiness
I need to cleanse the trail of so many years
Of all this time of holding to a dead baby
To all the skin I’ve already shed and that should not be here.
And this is terrifying. This is all so terrifying.
And so good, so pure, so refreshing.
This is the best fear of the last decade.

