Partnership Principle #1: Envision True Partnership

Zo Tobi
Zo Tobi
Jul 23, 2017 · 5 min read

Like this? Check out Give Yourself to Love, my online course on finding & growing the partnership you love coming home to: zotobi.com/love.


Hey! Thanks for reading. :-) The purpose of this short series is for you to:

  1. Learn some principles for finding and growing fulfilling partnership, and
  2. Get a taste of Give Yourself to Love (my upcoming 90-day online course).

I think you’ll get something from this whether you’re looking for or already in partnership. And, these principles apply universally, regardless of gender, sexuality, or relationship type.

In this article, we’ll look at:

  1. What envisioning true partnership is all about.
  2. What’s so important about it.
  3. Some of what it entails.
  4. How you can put it into practice right away.

OK, let’s dive in!

Our starting point: Love and partnership

We could philosophize about this forever, of course, but here I’m defining love as giving of yourself to nourish the life of another.

In this view, love is an action — a verb, rather than a noun.

And love is a way of being, out of which our action flows forth.

And, on some level, we could even see that love is a force within you, a force within all of us, compelling us to create, to contribute, to nurture.

By extension, partnership is a relationship in which equals are giving of themselves to nourish the life of one another.

We’ll unpack that more.

What does it mean to “envision true partnership?”

To envision true partnership is to see the partnership you’d love.

This involves shifting the focus of your attention, from what we could call your On-Paper Criteria, to your Authentic Vision.

On-Paper Criteria ➡ Authentic Vision

On-Paper Criteria are really about one thing: The partner you think you need.

This includes a person’s life circumstance (where they’re from, how they grew up, what they do with their time) and personality (how they think, their sense of humor, whether they are extroverted or introverted, even their politics).

Your Authentic Vision is a vivid image of the partnership you’d love — and not just any image, but one that’s true to who you are, at a very enduring and foundational level.

Why this matters

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, focusing your attention on either your On-Paper Criteria or your Authentic Vision has big implications.

When you focus on your On-Paper Criteria, you:

  • Confuse “similar” with “a fit.”
  • Overlook opportunities for love which could be right “under your nose.”
  • Waste time — yours and theirs.
  • Set up your partner to fail, because you aren’t even clear what you want (and no, they can’t and shouldn’t have to read your mind!!!).
  • Form relationships that waver and crumble amidst adversity.

When you focus on your Authentic Vision, you:

  • See quickly when it’s not a fit so you can end things with grace.
  • Open up to the unexpected and say “yes” to opportunities you otherwise might have missed.
  • Save time and energy.
  • Empower your partner to be successful.
  • Sustain loving partnership “in sickness and in health.”

A new set of questions

Your On-Paper Criteria, ultimately, are all about you. In this self-centered view, your mind naturally seeks answers to questions such as:

  • “Who is compatible with me?”
  • “Who will meet my needs?”
  • “Who can give me what I want?”
  • “Who came from where I came from?”
  • “Who shares my tastes, views, activities?”

When you shift your attention to your Authentic Vision, you naturally become interested in a different set of questions, such as:

  • “What do I truly value in partnership?”
  • “How do I want to love my partner?”
  • “With whom can I create a great life?”
  • “Who’d love to go where I want to go?”
  • “Who shares my vision, values, maturity?”

A new set of answers

When you focus your attention on your Authentic Vision, a picture begins to emerge that is vivid and clear — and yet, at the same time, spacious, open, flexible, and full of possibility.

Your On-Paper Criteria may include (consciously or not) some fairly rigid “checkboxes,” such as:

  • They express love the way I do
  • They share my politics
  • They think the way I do
  • They’re introverted / extroverted like me
  • They share my spiritual path
  • They share my sense of humor
  • They’re in a familiar vocation

Your Authentic Vision, on the other hand, quickly gets to the true heart of the matter — while leaving space for it to look many different ways. In a way, your Authentic Vision looks “underneath” your On-Paper Criteria, to capture what is truly important to you. It may sound like this:

  • We love wholeheartedly
  • We have shared core values
  • We communicate openly and lovingly
  • We value our friends, family, & community
  • We support each other’s spiritual growth
  • We live a life full of joy together
  • We help each other fulfill our purpose

In making this mindset shift, you begin to allow others to be fully who they are — rather than your self-imposed image of who and what you think they should be.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

- Thomas Merton

Object of desire ➡ Equal partner

Envisioning true partnership calls on you to shift our view — from seeking an “object of desire” to seeking something else — someone else — entirely.

Rabbi David Aaron, in his book Endless Light, illustrates this perfectly:

“One man who came to me for advice because he was contemplating a divorce told me mournfully why he thought the marriage went wrong. He said, “I know what my problem was. I was looking for a Ferrari and I got a Ford.” I said, “I think the problem was you were looking for a car.”

The clearest way I’ve come to understand this is through the Hebrew phrase, Ezer Kenegdo.

Ezer means, literally, “helper” or “helpmate.”

Kenegdo means “against, opposite, parallel to.”

As Rabbi David Aaron puts it:

“A quest for love is a quest for a helpmate kenegdo. It is a quest for someone who thinks differently and yet who will help you, not so much with the responsibilities of daily living as with the responsibilities of daily growing.”

To me, this distinction is HUGE, because it calls on us to stop viewing partnership the way we view buying some widget on Amazon… and to view it for the sacred bond it truly is.

Putting this into practice

SO, take a moment now and reflect:

Am I willing to set aside one or more of my On-Paper Criteria?

If I were to do so, what might emerge about my Authentic Vision?


Enjoy this? Check out Give Yourself to Love, my 90-day online course!

Give Yourself to Love

The purpose of this short series is for you to: Learn some principles for finding and growing fulfilling partnership, and get a taste of Give Yourself to Love (my 90-day online course). Learn more: https://zotobi.com/love/

Zo Tobi

Written by

Zo Tobi

Give Yourself to Love

The purpose of this short series is for you to: Learn some principles for finding and growing fulfilling partnership, and get a taste of Give Yourself to Love (my 90-day online course). Learn more: https://zotobi.com/love/

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